Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
Saw the pdoc yesterday and he wants me inpatient. I told him I didn't want to miss the holidays because of my grandchildren. He increased two of my medications and told me if I am not better in 4-5 days he will admit me. He also put me in light therapy. I have to buy a therapy light box to sit in front of for 2 hours each day. I had never heard of this but it is for seasonal affective disorder. I found one for 58 dollars. New ones are around 200. That is just crazy. I feel so empty and alone. I can't really talk about the depression with anyone. My husband knows I am not well but when he asks I just tell him I am fine and change the subject. No idea why I don't open up to him. I guess it makes me feel vulnerable and dependent and I don't want to be that way. I am supposed to be strong, a leader, responsible, all those things. To need help makes me feel useless. Part of my mind knows that getting help is the right thing to do but a larger part of my mind says it shows weakness. Everyone depends on me and I feel that if I go inpatient for two weeks everything will fall apart and be a total mess when I get home. I have no faith in anyone. No idea where that comes from. My pdoc has been on this journey with me since 2003 and he knows if I don't catch it pretty early and get treatment such as medications changes or ECT then I will end up hurting myself or become suicidal. So, if I am going to be adult here I know I need to go inpatient and fix this mess in my head regardless of everyone else and their problems while I am going. That doesn't make it any easier. I just feel like my life is worthless, my attempts to better myself are for nothing because I will always be nothing. No amount of education can fill the void in my heart and mind. If I do graduate what good will it do me if I can't stay stable enough to go back to work. Makes me want to give up. Well, thanks for reading I just needed to vent. I need help but want it and don't want it at the same time. Hoping the next 4-5 days I improve or Ill be in the hospital for a while. If you were in my position would you go or ride it out in hopes of improvement?
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I find myself going places in the car and not wanting to get out of the car. I come back home and I don't want to get out of the car. I think it's the only time I spend reflecting. Chronic tiredness from Long Covid plus the immunosupressing meds for my Crohn's is slowing me down but everything just seems a massive effort. I am dealing with the paperwork following my father's death but it's not...
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Wow, it's the middle of the week already!Today is our 11 year anniversary, so we're going out to a nice dinner. I'm losing a lot of sleep these days, hence a wonky schedule and uncomfortable feelings. But I know it will pass, eventually.I hope all of you have a peaceful day, and may good things come your way!
I turn the situation around and it has helped me a lot, the darkness and cool air makes me so calm now. The quietness brings about a sense of peace and harmony for me, especially if there is snow :-)
hope you feel better soon