Hi Sue,
I recently came to this site looking for other wives in my situation and for support. I think (I am pretty sure) that my husband has AS. He is scheduled for an evaluation with a psychiatrist on June 30. I have not found any other wives to talk with. I have received some good responses to my questions about AS. Maby we can support each other

Sarah

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Hi Sarah--

So good your husband is willing to go to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed, my husband insists he doesn't have , which I think he does. He does al the usual things isn't good with peopl has no friends and is a walking encyclopedia.

I have frustrations with him as he isn't very emotiaonal or talkative. I am very out going and social and feel pretty alone. Both my sons have AS. Where do you livr? I live in Central Nj.I found a support group on line called the other half of Aspergers for wives. So, I am waiting to be approved for memebership there.

How ling have you been married? Do you have kids?

Hope we can keep in touch thanks for writing. I would be happy to give and get support.

Sue

Sue448, that's interesting that your husband insists he doesn't have it. It makes me wonder if it's a common thing for aspies to do. I mean here, people with AS talk about it freely and they're actively looking for support and information. But my father yet again had a classic aspie meltdown yesterday--none of the family could calm him--and he always insists, when it happens, that he was just upset and expressing anger in what he saw as a typical argument. And I think that, because my father won't talk about it openly, it puts everyone else in the position of having to agree with him, just so he won't feel like some freaky oddball.
I think the aspies here are much happier and healthier because they have a place to come to where they don't have to feel so bad or ashamed. I never thought about it, but I guess aspies might have a lot of unwarranted negative feelings about AS.

Hi,

When my husband was first diagnosed with Asperger's I came on this site looking for support and information. Oddly, he was really glad to be diagnosed with AS, because he said he felt so odd for so long, he was happy to finally have a reason for it and something he could identify with. Also, because aspies tend to be highly intelligent, it also gave him some pride being in that category, since he has self esteem issues due to lack of social ability. He's a very unusual man for someone with AS but it definitely explains a lot of things. We've been through a lot together since he was diagnosed, and he was diagnosed after we were married so it helped me understand too. He went to counseling/therapy for it for almost two years. He is out now, but I wouldn't mind him going back at some point. Anyway, if you need to talk or have questions message me I am happy to listen or try to help. I'm not on the boards often so I do need a message if you are trying to reach me....

Wish my husband would go for a diagnosis, he has it, but not as bad as some others I have heard, he doesn't have melt downs he just is very quiet so you never know what he is thinking..

I feel very alone, though some of his friends from grad school are similar to him no social skills , but very smart,. He plays games with them every 2 weeks, so he has a kinship with them, but not real "friends" as they rarely come over no social visits or calls so he has no idea what it is like to have a real friend. We are pretty much on our own as he is misunderstood by people he comes in contact with and unknowingly puts them offf by only talking about technical things. We live in a small working class town so it is not very academic. So, we are at a litttle bit of a loss about making friends here.

It's not his fault you don't have your own support system. My belief, and I'm not speaking for him, just for myself, is that marriage is there as a mechanism to rear children, and have someone there to assist and support you in whatever endeavors that you deem necessary to undertake. You are looking for something that he is unable to give you. Ya need to go out and find your own friends. It looks like he has friends. Just because he doesn't bring them home, doesn't mean they're not friends. Make yourself happy and know that when the day is over you guys are there to support each other when the world kicks you in the rear. You're two individuals with different needs, the secret is to make yourself happy, and mesh your lives like a couple of beautiful gears that make the world go round.

I'm not trying to be mean, cause I am aware that it sounds like I'm yelling at ya. I'm just saying it as I see it. I'm sure you are a wonderful person, but it's not always someone else's fault and we all need a little tweaking for ourselves every now and again :)

Hello...wow...okay... I have been married to my husband for 15 years...he has always been a bit aloof, and not responsive to my sexual needs...if/when he is interested fine, but if I would try to initiate he would reject me...I gave up on us having a social life a long time ago because he would get so angry when around a lot of people it was easier to just stay home- but when he started being "angry" at our daughter all of the time I took my daughter and moved out. He could not seem to talk to her without yelling. When I would try to talk to him about it he would deny being angry about anything and think they were just discussing something. We have all started our own therapies and I must say at this point that no official diagnosis has been made- but when I told my counselor the other day the following story she said he might have mild asbergers- a huge light came on for me and I felt relief/hope and confusion... I guess I am wondering if this scenerio sounds familiar to anyone and am looking for support when there are tough days and am willing to be supportive to others. Here is my story:
I made a romantic dinner and let him know the plans. I put on my sexiest dress, and was as flirty as I could be. Nothing.
After we ate I was cleaning up and he said " you are coming unbuttoned dear" and I said " I am glad you noticed." I then laid across him with my legs over this lap...he picked up his arms and put them on his chest so he would not touch me.. I was so hurt! But when I talked to him later he had NO CLUE that I was flirting and seemed to not even remember the event that hurt me so badly. All of these years I have been taking this stuff so personally- or being angry at him for ignoring me... and infuriated that it meant so little to him that he does not remember...but he is a great provider - very intelligent and a great partner when it comes to achieving lifegoals together, completing projects together and will do just about anything for us...he is genuinely confused when we are hurt by his behaviors and acts like a shamed little boy when confronted for a behavior....does this sound familiar?Thank you for reading and responding!

I like what Sig said, it's very true. A lot of the long term (30+ year) marriages I've observed (my parents among others) seem to be where both partners have outside friends and interests as well as some shared interests.

Sue - I think your husband would call that friendship. I know that as an Aspie sitting around talking for hours bores the crap out of me. I'm a lot happier when I'm playing board games so that I have Something To Do. I like to talk, but I prefer get togethers to have a focus if that makes sense. Getting together to play board games with people I've known for a decade or so actually sounds like a pretty fun evening to me (of course I'm an Aspie :P)

Barb, that situation just sounds heartbreaking all around. I do think your hubby has some other issues being Asperger's. I know that, for me, anything more than about 4 people starts getting stressful so oftentimes I'll just go off to my room with a couple of close friends and chill there. Does/did your hubby have a place that was HIS to retreat to when he was feeling overloaded? As far as sex and Asperger's, I'd actually be curious to see that spin off to a seperate topic. I do know that - speaking only for myself as an Aspie - I can tell when I'm being flirted with and when I'm being seduced but I also - don't laugh - have taken classes on flirting.

er that should read "I do think your hubby has some other issues BESIDES being Asperger's" (this is what I get for typing and trying to communicate before I've had my morning cuppa tea)

My husband was just recently diagnosed with AS (which explained alot). And now I'm left feeling alone, not knowing how to deal with this new reality. We have major communication problems, we have no sex life. He constantly rejects me. And yet he claims that he loves me. It's hard not to take it personally, even knowing that is due to the AS.
HELP

Hi it is such a relief to read other stories of women in my position. I hope today that there are bright happy moments for you all x

I think not taking things personally is probably one of the hardest parts about being an NT in an Aspie-NT relationship.

And Barbmom4, that sitation you describe between your husband and daughter sounds very much what I have experienced myself over the years.
On the rare times that my dad has been successfully confronted about his behavior, he reacts very much as you describe, very abashed, like a little boy.

It is very difficult to constantly re affirm him. He has such low opinion of himself.

Me too. I feel alone in this struggle