Sorry you are feeling bad today. Try to take deep breaths from your lower belly to calm the flight or fight instinct that causes anxiety. Also try to find something you like to do to help distract yourself., or relaxation such as meditation, gentle exercise, taking a warm shower or whatever you find calming. Hope you feel better soon.

I never know why my psycho ticks keep haunting me until I take off the "I Am Fine. How Are You?" mask and confront the truth with full-faced honesty. The full-faced honesty often reveals important new information. It is all too easy to throw proverbial babies out with the bath water. I feel better about throwing out the bath water after I have finished tending the baby.

Or am I lost in metaphor again? That happens to me allot, especially when I start mixing metaphors. Sometimes I have to take ^it^ one minute at a time. Recovery takes what ^it^ takes.

I am scared I will have ptsd from anxiety the feelings and hopelessness negative thoughts about self and that I will be alone for the rest of my life if I don't get this in order. And terrified it will happen again if I get better.

I have moments where I feel terrified too. Especially while I am going through the process of a depressive episode which makes you feel so alone, you're not alone in that aspect, I hope knowing that helps you feel more at ease regarding the situation you're going through in the same way that it sometimes helps me :)
It is very difficult especially when you're surrounded by others as there's that feeling that you cannot fully open up to the loved ones around you because they just don't understand.

One thing which is really important to remember is that you are now aware of your feelings of depression and you are seeking aid which is a mega step!!
Give yourself a pat on the back for getting this far because it can be super difficult to gain the courage to even share the experience you're going through.

A most understandable fear, Wantha. I have lived with similar fear my entire life and have grown to believe it is another place for my, "Don't cure it. Train it." philosophy.

Fear does not exist to make us afraid. It exists to warn us of danger. ~Zen proverb

The dangers of my PTSD, etc., remain very real. Radically accepting those psycho ticks are the whip by which I train those dangers.

For what its worth
PTSD is an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is a creative trouble maker with many, many children.

Hi! Just had this happen to me about a month ago. During the beginning of the year. It was tough. It was my first time experiencing depression to such a degree. I immediately seemed help. I’m working with a therapist now. I have anxiety for the most part, but depression definitely terrified me, and now I’m living with fear of it. What’s helped my symptoms and thoughts is watching/listening to anxiety and depression help podcasts. It makes me feel more normal. Meditation has helped a ton as well. YouTube has some great outlets. Honestly, what’s the most help though, is doing what I’m afraid of or sad about. Feeling sad and fear let’s me know that it’s my body’s way of showing myself that I DO CARE. I care about my well-being. Going for walks and just letting the emotions pass through. My symptoms aren’t gone, some days are harder than others, but each day gets better in the overall scheme of progress. I hope you feel better and show yourself compassion. You really have to talk to yourself and push yourself the way you would a dear loved one if they were going through what you’re feeling. Find Hope and gratitude, and you’ll find it somehow some way. Best wishes!

Also for the moments where it gets really bad this checklist might be able to help make it a little easier to go through :) Remember you don't have to tick everything off of the list, this is merely a guideline to help with those bad days. A good thing to work on is to find what triggers/aggrivates your feelings of depression. That way you can then either avoid the trigger or create ways of managing with it through various techniques advised by a therapist or psychiatrist.

- Are you hydrated?( if not, have a glass of water)

-Have you eaten in the past three hours? (If not, get some food - something with protein not just simple carbs. maybe some nuts or hummus?)

-Have you showered in the past day? (if not, take a shower right now)

- If daytime: are you dressed? (if not, put on clean clothes that aren't pyjamas. Give yourself permission to wear something special to you, whether its a funny shirt or a pretty dress)

-If nighttime: Are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep? (Put on pyjamas, make yourself cozy in bed with a teddy bear and the sounds of falling rain, and close your eyes for fifteen minutes - no electronic screens allowed. If you're still awake after that, you can get up again; no pressure.)

- Have you stretched your legs in the past day? (if not, do so right now. If you don't have space for a run or gym just walk a little around the house or around the block)
-Have you said something nice to someone in the past day? (If not do so either online or in-person. Make it genuine :)

-Have you moved your body to music?

-Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days?

-Do you feel ineffective? (Pause right now and get something small completed, whether it's responding to an email, loading up the dishwasher, or packing your gym back for your next trip)

-Do you feel unattractive? (Take a few selfies or even show off your favourite outfits to friends either online or in-person. They can remind you how great you look and you'll fight society's restrictions on what beauty can look like).

-Do you feel paralyzed by indecision? (give yourself ten minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day. If a particular decision or problem is still being a roadblcok, simply set it aside for now, and pick something else that seems doable. Right now the important part is to break through that stasis, even if it means doing something trivial.

- Have you seen a therapist in the past few days? (If not, hang on until your next therapy visit and talk through things then.

- Have you been over exerting yourselg lately - physically, emotionally, socially or intellectually? (That can take a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether its physical rest, taking time along, or relazing with some fun and silly entertainment

- Have you wchanged any of your medications in the past couple of weeks including skipped doses or a change in generic prescription brand? (That may be screwing with your head. Give things a few days, then talk to your doctor if it doesn't settle down.

- Have you waited a week? Sometimes our perception of life is skewed and we can't tell that we're not thinking clearly, and there's no obvious external cause. It happens. Keep yourself going for a full week, whatever it takes, and see if you feel the same way then.

You've made it this far, and you will make it through.

You are stronger than you think!

Thank you all for your words. I will work on myself and all of tips you gave me keep them coming it gives me hope knowing I have you all to talk to.

Pug that is the hardest part not being able to speak to loves one's because they don't know how it really feels. My family my boyfriend my friends they are like you are strong u look ok you just have to think positive. I wish it was that easy I work hard ro keep going everyday and put on a face but I am dying inside

Wanthappiness, I have the same thing with my family, one thing that really helped me was finding a therapist to talk to about everything. Not only are they a professional but they are impartial meaning that, when you feel comfortable, you can share the problems that you do have with the therapist that works for you.

I have now shared how I feel with family members, they provide support where they can but they still don't fully understand how it feels because they're not really emotionally available but they try to an extent which is better than nothing :)
Note - This is my personal experience so your outcome if you open up to your family will be individual to you! The only way you will find out how they will react is by talking to them yourself :)

Also I thought I would note that what arfie said is important. Your body and mind are interconnected (my doctor even says that the gut is like a second brain due to the number of nerves in that area). The reason you're body and mind feel like this is because its sending you a message that's something doesn't feel right and thats ok.
It means that you're body needs something whether its sleep, a hug, communication or even food/water.
When you feel sad, checking HALT (Hungry (Include water), Angry, Lonely, Tired) is a good check you can do to make sure you're looking after your body.

It's also worth noting that support can also come from friends and communities (such as this one). On your journey find what works for you :)

Journalling could definitely help too! I have one based off of planning and then a book that I dump my frustrated, angry, and sometimes happy thoughts into. Its a good way of identifying what makes you feel good so you can gravitate towards those scenarios.

Oh and also finding a hobby or returning to a hobby that makes you feel good! If you don't feel like doing it, push yourself to try for 10 minutes and see how you go from there :)

Keep trying and keep chatting to others :) Maybe share your experience on other threads that you can relate to for advice as well :)