I hope you like the title---thought it would be a funny way to strike my current position. Though it is a joke, the comment runs through my mind at least once a day since I've started college. Now that it's December the thought crosses my mind at least three times a day.
I'm a freshman in college and it's been pretty stressful but I've (luckily) been handling---handeling?---it pretty well. I've got A's in three out of four classes. However, I have a D in my Political Science class which is stressing me out because I'm trying to do my best in that class. The issue with Political Science is that there are only three exams and one paper. The exams are stressful because they're three open-ended questions that can range from anything we've talked about in class. So I'm sitting there, studying as much as I can, but it feels like it's useless (obviously I'm going to keep studying). I'm filling my brain with so much information that it's hard to remember and grasp details on command. I've talked to my professor, gone to study groups, ask for help, etc. but the result is always the same: low test scores, leading to a low overall grade. I'm stressing over the final exam due to the results of the previous two and the future paper. I have to write a 8-10 page "literature review" for the class... I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN A LITERATURE REVIEW BEFORE---it's completely separate from reading a book and analyzing it. Though I've been reaching out to people and doing my research, I still have no idea what I'm doing for this paper. I'm trying to stay positive about the class but it's becoming extremely difficult.
Aside from that, I also have other important things due in other classes. Psychology: two exams, a paper, and presentation. Ethics: two short essays and a seven page paper. Black Lives Matter Seminar: seven page paper and presentation. And I have to write a three page reflection essay for Political Science and Ethics for the pilot program that I'm in. Another thing that I should mention is that all of the papers are due on the same day! December 13th is the new Dooms Day, everybody! And my final exams are also on the same day---Dooms Day Part II is on December 19th!
I know a lot of people have it worse than I do---that I'm not the only person struggling---I'm just stressed out. All of this is giving me anxiety which is making me have a hard time sleeping at night. For those of you who are going to say "take a break, go have some fun": I have and I do. I make sure not to overwork myself and have some fun. I still hang out with my friend's, take naps, workout, do my crafts, etc.. It just doesn't help as much as I need it to, you know?
I'm not a perfectionist by needing to get all A's in my classes. I'm not anal retentive about that. It's just that I can't afford to lose my scholarship. It's just my mom and I. Even though we actually do pretty well for a single family income it's not enough for college. Especially since my mom was out of work for a year because she was fired and blacklisted. The sad thing is that she was fired because her boses didn't like how she would speak up if something wasn't right (she was an ethics researcher for the government). So the "offical" reason that they came up with to fire her for was making too much money. I know, how stupid is that?
My point in bringing this up is that all of the college money she had saved for me over the years had to be used to pay for the house, bills, and everything else that we needed. I told her that I would be okay working more and going to community college but she insisted that I should still go away for school. Even though I couldn't go to my dream school, I was and still am perfectly okay with making that sacrifice. I'm sorry for going off topic (I have ADHD) but I wanted you to understand why I'm stressed out. I can't lose the scholarship.
Yes, my mom is aware of what is going on. I tell her everything because she isn't just paying for me to go to college but also because she's my best friend and I'm so grateful to have her in my life. Though she's bummed about the grade, she understands that I'm giving it my all and that's the best thing I can do. I just don't want to fail any of my classes and lose the scholarship.
Thanks for listening to my TED Talk. Hopefully venting this stuff out helps to alleviate some of the stress. I'm also crossing my fingers that I survive my first semester of college... just gotta take it one day at a time.
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