I know what you mean. My husband can be very negative sometimes and it can sometimes bother me.

Usually it is when he'll read something in the news or the conversation turns to something he feels strongly about.

We went to a few counseling sessions early on in our marriage which helped us a lot. If your husband is open to it, I would highly recommend it.

Also, what I have learned with my husband is that sometimes he just wants to roar. lol Maybe he's tire or had a long day or crap happened at work or people suck or jerk driver's ticked him off or whatever... I dunno... but sometimes he just needs to blow off steam and so something in the news or something will sort of be the thing that sets him off unloading all this negativity. it's not really about what he's talking about. It's about all the crap he's had to deal with that day or for however long it's been building up inside of him. So when that's the case I just listen and go "Uh-huh" and I'm just there for him commiserating until he has said all he needs to say and gets it all out. In those moments, even if I don't agree with what he is saying or I feel very differently, I just know that "now is not the time" and I keep my thoughts to myself and let him work out whatever he needs to work out. :)

During times when we are having a discussion and come to a place where we see things differently, I also make it a point to never say something without having facts to back up my beliefs first.

For example, my husband and I disagree on certain environmental issues. So I never say anything unless I can refer to a specific peer-reviewed scientific study or something along those lines. I never just form an opinion by pulling stuff out of thin air. I do my research and this helps because when he comes at the issue we are discussing, he has to argue his point not with me but with scientists or whoever it is that put those crazy earth-mama tree-hugging hippie thoughts into my head. :)

If I do not have any research or facts or resources to back up an opinion I have, I mainly keep my mouth shut and let him roar his opinion and I'll respond with something like, "Hmm... I should read more into that... that's very interesting... I'm really glad you brought that to my attention..." OR sometimes I will ask him where he got that information, or why he feels or thinks that way.

The great thing about opinions is that they change. As we review new data which is presented before us or that we seek out, our opinions can and often do change.

My last boyfriend (big mistake) was highly insecure and did a lot of what we call 'chuntering' over here. He could rant like a professional on all manner of topics, from reserve banks to vaccines.

I remember asking him to state his sources and I remember him being incredibly aggrieved. He had said it. That should be enough proof for me.

I had just moved 1000 miles to be with this man who couldn't live without me (internet romance and he's still alive) but the reality of me very quickly palled. I was not the obedient yes-woman he wanted.

I think a certain amount of chuntering is fine, but it should ONLY be done down at the pub with their MALE friends. It should not be inflicted on females. Because it's rubbish. Men sort of bond with other men by doing this ranty thing. Like roaring. It's out of place with women I think.

I was like you, I couldn't absorb it. I had had a nervous breakdown, and a marital breakdown, lost my home, lost my car, my job, everything, moved to be with this guy and he was heaping nightmares on my head. And I had to buy into them or he would go really spare.

I put up with it and I learned to obey and be silent, and be good, and do whatever he wanted.

And he left me because I was not good enough. Whatever pride I had had left at the end of the marriage was completely destroyed by the end of that relationship.

You only know how long you have been together, if this is a recent issue, if it is soluble, but nobody should inflict their overload onto another person.

He needs either a counsellor to work through this stuff, or he needs to go try and write a measured treatise on the subject and send it to the local newspaper. This suggestion turned the ex boyfriend spare. Oh, he wasn't ranting to DO something about it. Oh no.

Thanks Jen and Bridgie. There is wisdom to be had in both your posts. I appreciate you taking the time to answer me.
I've never been one to issue ultimatums, as I have never seem them have the desired result. Mr. Stubborn made an appointment to see a doctor next Friday. I told him that he WILL keep this appointment, or else! Or else what, I'm not sure. But I was emphatic about it. He pretty much walked out on two appointments this week. With the same doctor. Great, kiss that office goodbye. The office where I work sometimes has communication with the place he walked out. At least I kept my maiden name when we married (over 20 yrs ago), so they won't connect us. lol. Anyway, day by day. I once again called the wonderful peer to peer line that my state offers. They are kind and compassionate, like the folks here! Hope everyone has a wonderful day!

My husband doesn't get negative too often but when he does I just put myself in his shoes. I try really hard to throw an optimistic spin on everything and for the most part I have trained myself to do that. But those times when I literally can't stop the negative from coming out, it's usually due to something that I feel is unjust.
If I think something is unfair or not right or somebody is trying to take advantage of somebody or something, it brings out my anger and I will go on a rant for an hour. And I have found that is the case for a lot of people. And at the root of that is frustration. So what i do when I get in that situation is say "what can I do about this? what's my plan?" And I ask my husband the same thing when he gets mad. I say "what are you going to do about it. Is there anything you CAN do about it?" And I have found there is almost always some plan that can be put into motion, even if it's just something as simple as firing off a letter to somebody.
Putting a plan into action helps the mind use that energy for something positive and productive and makes you feel like you are actually doing something to control the situation even if it's just in a small way.
I think it's great you are trying to limit negativity from your life. That is the attitude that will help you get your anxiety under control.

Maybe you should have a talk with him about it. Tell him how you feel. If he really care about you he would listen to you and try to change his way to make you feel better. A relationship is base on 2 people that talk about how that feel and love each other other. Try to fix problem they mught have. I think all relationships have proublem. Some are little one and easy to fix and then other are hard to fix. Talk about them are yhe best way to fix them. If you do not talk then the other person do not know how you and so mot knowvwhst you are think. The other perdon can not read your mind. I hope things get better for you. Hugs

I think one idea is to balance it with a lot of fun. If he will go with you and have fun, that'd be great. If not, find another friend to go out and laugh and have fun with. Funny movies, bowling, comedy clubs, being silly.

You might suggest he find other people to commisurate with. That you enjoy having dinner with him and doing fun things together, as well as providing support back and forth, but you really don't like the passionately negative discussions.

I am divorced from an uber-negative guy and I would listen for a bit and then tell him, "This conversation is starting to circle. Meeting adjourned" and walk away.

There's a different between venting and dumping. Venting is 15 or 20 minutes every few weeks. And you can debate with these folks and share your opinion or get passionate with them.

Dumping is frequent and draining to the listener. And that's not okay. You're allowed to say so.

As a person who is married long term, I will say, whether he/she is dumping/venting, it is NOT your problem. Just because you are listening and supporting their sounding off does NOT make it your problem.

Once I learned that, I was able to be positive, and then release my control valve safely in private, it helped me to regain my natural balance.

I am in cognitive behavior therapy treatment plan to improve my well-being diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder with social phobia. I have learned techniques to help me be able to deflect the negative energy from exploding and just releasing, which has improved our daily activity levels to where we are able to enjoy more naturally.

And, what I do, is NOT tell him I need space. I move myself away and do an activity in another room. It works effectively, without adding any words. Once I stopped trying to change his perspective, and focus on my perspective, it changed the response because the usual response no longer fit.

Best wishes, you are not alone in this.