Hello All, 

So this is my first post on a self help board mostly because up until a few months ago I thought I had better control over things.  Yeah let that silliness sync in.  I'm a 52 year old man.  Been with my partner now for 30 years.  We'd built a pretty decent middle class life together.  I've always struggled with depression, I'm not sure I was aware of the Anxiety early on.  Buts come roaring in with full force now. 

About 4 years ago hit a rough patch.  Lost my job, got a new one but toxic. Close friend hung himself, his son who I helped raise (felt like a son to me) rolled over in bed and passed suddenly.  My partners law firm closed, he got a new job quickly (win) but the boss was nuts and fired him after three months.  This crashed him out completely to the point that he wasn't looking for new work, lying about it, etc... Still hasn't worked again.  My best friend and pup passed.  The pandemic came.  The insurrection happened.  I just kept getting tighter and tighter and trying to work hard to save it all.  During this time anxiety flared badly and all of this went on for a span of year's.  My partner and I were headed for divorce, never something I wanted.  I was on FMLA butmaxed in vacation.  My job was going in the shitter.  My suicidal idealation started spiking.  It was bad. So In a weird way I think snapped.  The housing market in Seattle was hot.  So I suggested we prep to sell and figure out next life steps later.  

I got enough from the house to live ok for a few years.  We moved to Mexico, yeah you heard that right, Mexico.  I had always dreamed of living overseas, so I researched and we jumped.  Lee (my partner says saved us).  By the way I'm very aware of how lucky I was to even have this option.  

Heres the challenge, I pulled this trigger, but now all of my unhealthy patterns and anxiety is unmoored.  I'm in Mexico, we have “enough money”, we're definitely not rich and couldn't likely both make it social security.  My partner believes we were called here to heal, he's been studying spirituality, and has actually begun to seem like his old self.  He wants to I'm still broke.  My anxiety has never been this bad, I've got limited support options.  I'm super glad my marriage is going better.  But I'm scared of not knowing my future.  I'm tripping out about never getting another good job.  I'm wondering if I was just stronger could I have somehow not broken?  If I hadn't I'm convinced we would have divorced (it was getting very bad), and I was in such a terrible place that may have well been to mucH. I broke, I carried it all as long as I could and I just couldn't.  

I'm also trying to find my relationship with God and Spirit as I don't have the answers.  But for a codependent guy with diagnosed GAD this is hellish.  I've been suicidal again, because it's just so much.