It might help you Bobby to understand what boundaries really are. You are trying to set external boundaries on the wife. In other words, rules for how she must live and be like. External boundaries that we set on someone else is our way of attempting to control them or change them. (Doesn't work as you are learning.)

I am recommending you set internal boundaries, & that means you set rules for yourself on what you will do and what you will accept from other people's behaviors.

The hard thing is you will have to change yourself.

To answer your questions now:

1a. If you want to go out, go out. Resentment builds when we allow others to control us or we have no personal freedom. I would encourage you to go out for your own emotional, physical, and mental wellness. Figure out some way you can leave without running her over. Expect her to not like being left alone.

1b. I think you have to decide whether or not your wife can be left alone at this point. And you set the rule that there will be a caregiver if she can't be left alone, because things have gone down hill so much that it is in wife's best interest (and safety) to have one.

1c. It concerns me greatly that she runs out of the house without clothing on or in just her nightgown as you have written in the past. This makes me really concerned about her decline in executive functioning.

2. Forget about the courses. Ain't going to happen. Let it go. Stop nagging her.

3. Go purchase furniture on your own. She will fret and moan about it anyway. She can't participate and she can't make choices at this time unfortunately and you can't force her to change. So what do you want, no furniture or go ahead and do it for yourself?

4. Ignore her self criticism. Stop providing positive feedback (isn't working). Your internal boundary is you decide you will not listen, or you'll listen for five minutes, and then you go back to your office and work or watch TV or go to the library.

Thanks for all the posts, I do believe that the exchange of ideas and perspectives helps everyone.

I do have some concern about the overall message; candidly I was depressed, and that may have been connected with the message. People who are depressed say there's nothing I can do, cannot get the job because my qualifications aren't good, can't get a man or woman because I'm ugly or unsuccessful, can't have friends because I am unlikeable. Successful people break down tasks, look to what can be done and pursue it. One son was told at 26 he was too young for an executive position, but was ultimatley chosen over 125 other candidates through hard work and diligence.

So the message she will be this way, it cannot be changed, any attempts at improving her will be unsuccessful, frustrating, and counterproductive can be a depressing one. If a kid is failing math and you tell him he can't do it, nothing will change. Alcoholics do change, those with other challenges do too, and family members can help with the change. My friends here have seen the challenges, and criticism directed towards me is appropriate, if yelling on occasion is counterproductive fine stick me with making the situation worse. I'm here to get better, accept criticism, solve things.

But right now, I don't accept the "nothing will change" view for several reasons. Obviously one, she periodically does change and become close to her old self. These situations may be limited, I could be part of the problem, surroundings may exacerbate the issue, and that's why I'm here to learn and get better.

Many people with MS cannot walk, those with strokes cannot run but my wife can if motivated smile, conduct a conversation, enjoy herself, plan, etc.

I have a friend who I met through business. She is paralyzed. Nonetheless she can be upbeat, friendly, and helpful. She is religious, and I told her she could spread a message of inspiration. Sadly she has an entrenched political view and used social media to endlessly reiterate that political message, and she is not doing as well as she could. Another friend with a child with cerebal palsy just won a world championship for the disabled in his area.

Coaches change losing teams, new CEO's reverse failing companies, people with histories of depression get better. It may be that 75-80% has to do with her, but I can only address what's within my control. Again, comment on mistakes I've made are fair. But no I'm not going to accept that things cannot change or improve and will work on it for my wife's sake, our children's, and my own. And if nothing else, I can come in and legitimately say I've done the best I can.

No one is saying nothing is ever going to change or she can’t change. I think what’s being conveyed is she really has to want to participate in her well-being and commit to addressing her mental health issues in order to change. You can’t make her. You can’t compel someone to be better if they don’t want to admit they need help or aren’t participating in their own well being. I mean you are trying like crazy to manage her and direct her. It’s natural to want to do that. But how is that working for her or you, honestly? I think people are suggesting that instead of being so focused on managing her and putting yourself through so much frustration in the process, step back, try a different approach.

Using your alcoholic analogy, an alcoholic changes when the alcoholic decides he’s ready to change and then chooses to change, does all the work needed to change. I was raised by an alcoholic father. Nothing my mom or me and my brothers tried, the begging, the pleading, the threats, the managing him, the bargaining, EVER compelled my father to change or get help. Not ever. Enabling him was NOT support.

Your wife can definitely get better but she can’t even admit she has a mental health issue, from what I understand. If you don’t admit you have a problem then what’s to change?

I think being positive in the face of adversity is a wonderful quality. I just think it sometimes needs to be tempered with realistic expectations too. Balance in all things.

And I don’t think anyone is judging you for mistakes. You are in a tough situation. It’s hard to know what the right thing is to do. Illness, physical or mental, affects everyone in the relationship, the family, etc. Everyone affected has to recalibrate.

Bobby, you are constantly honest and vulnerable with us which is admirable, and I do recognize how very difficult your home situation is. What I think you make difficult for yourself is you keep trying to change the wife and I don't think you have the power to make her change.

I see our difference of opinion is that you think you can force the wife to change and be "normal" again. I think you can't force her to change and the problem is how we react and think. tress.

I do think you can change your own perspectives and reactions. That is the change I do think can happen if you decide to, or want to. And I know how hard it is to stop focusing on forcing the other person to change and instead forcing ourselves to change. It may feel like judgement of you but it isn't.

So we disagree on who will be the change agent and that is okay. I say it has to be you as the change agent because you only have power to change yourself. I'm frankly worried for the both of you health wise and stress wise.

No human has the power to change someone else. The issue is our power. That is where the fly in the soup lies. This is where many people refuse to let go of the notion they have the power to make someone change. Because if we don't have any power then we have to really change within ourselves to find acceptance and self focus on change our own thinking and reactions.

Yes, it can be depressing to recognize how we can't control others to force them to change. But -- it can also liberate you if you will turn your focus on yourself. When you can accept that the only person you can force to change is yourself, you will also free yourself.

I keep saying I am worried about her day to day functioning, ability to do activities of daily living (ADLs), and on and on. I understand that her periods of calmer and having more emotional regulation confuse you. She acts in ways you consider normal and then the next day when she is having emotional dis-regulation. I wonder should she even be left alone ever at this point. I don't really know but I read what you write and I feel anxious and worried for your wife. I feel compassion and empathy for you.

Both rmb and hasty have nailed it. They have spoken truth. From my own personal experience of having debilitating anxiety and depression, i can tell you that your wife’s seemingly changing behavior is normal for her condition. I could do the same thing. Put on a front around people and when I got back home, the front disappeared and out came the anxiety again. What you witness on the outside is not what is going on inside your wife when she is all smiles and “seems” happy. As I said before, we with anxiety learn how to act. Been there and done it myself. When I got home, the act was over and the anxiety took over again. My mother suffers from anxiety too. Her anxiety manifests as your wife’s does. Paranoia and delusional suspicious thinking, Anxiety manifests in many, many ways. But the problem is accepting that it is anxiety and deciding to seek help. Some people never seek help or can admit they have a problem. They are in complete denial and lack the insight to see it any other way, such as my mother’s case. Only when a person will admit that they are the one with a problem and desire to correct it will they attempt to recover and seek help. We cannot do it for them. I was fortunate to have enough insight into my own anxiety to know I needed help and sought it out. I am still in recovery but with the help of many resources and, quite frankly, the insight I possessed, thank God, I am getting better day by day. The bottom line is I wanted to get better, I knew I had a problem and I desired to correct it. I had to choose to step into recovery by myself, no one could do it for me. I had to be willing to do what it takes to start the recovery process. It is possible but a daunting task facing my fear. But it has to come from within the person. There are things you can do to inspire your wife. Stop enabling and pandering to your wife. It goes against the grain, but is necessary. It can inspire her to seek her own recovery. Love her enough to do it. Reread rmb and hasty’s last posts.

As always appreciate the input. She had a very good therapy session, and they addressed some tough issues. This focus on the past is creating a problem along with a seeming desire by my wife to punish herself. My wife is doing a little better with Abilify, and considering adding the Luvox her psychiatrist recommended. As many have have noted, we've never been in a situation of complying with mental health recommendations and then assessing where we are.

A separate issue arose. My son believes we need help and arranged to contact a private aid. She could come in, allow me to leave, help my wife organize her day, get dressed, shower, and perhaps help clean the house. My son said my wife might not be initially happy but this help could provide some structure. My son is concerned about me, but also candidly would like to relieve the constant calls made to him.

While talking she overheard and when he hung up, went ballistic, threw something, and said she does not want anyone else in the house.

We had a reasonably good talk (no yelling by me, yeah, Bobby, yeah group) and its hard, you realize that negative talk can push people into more depression, but sometimes you need to speak the truth. I said, look if you can get up, clean the house, do some reasonable things nothing is needed, but if you remain in your nightgown, can't do anything, are scared if I leave, and are dysfunctional, people will say you need help. If you think you can restore some element of normalcy fine. I will talk to the place, but would appreciate any guidance, and will be discussing this with my therapist and hers.

Sending you support & hugs Bobby <3