Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
I get afraid when my boyfriend yells at me. He is never physically abusive, but definitely is grumpy, especially if hes had a rough day, etc and he gets very easily upset with me.
Today he came home and got angry because the fridge still smelled badly from earlier when we couldn't figure out why it smelled. He opened the door with a very irritated look on his face and a raised voice said that "if you can't have food and put it in the correct spot and keep up with it, then you can't have the food". Basically saying I need to eat the food that I have and not make new things. He is always trying to do this, make rules for how things need to be and the way I need to do things. He then took all the stuff off of the top of the fridge (mostly my cats stuff) and put it on the table, forcing me to deal with it immediately because most of it is bags of cat food and treats that my cat would open and get into if I didn't put them away. It was the middle of my work day....i work from home and that is disrespectful of my time to have to figure out where to put the stuff.
I felt fear during the situation as I usually do when he gets angry with me. The anxiety stayed with me through the rest of the day and now it's 3 in the morning and I can't sleep because I'm anxious and crying. This is not a unique situation and has happened many times in the past.
I realize I need to work on anxiety and how I respond to things and have just started with a therapist. But, I just read that putting up with years of this could be causing some of my mental health issues. Has anyone dealt with anything similar?
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
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"don't be a hate hole" has been one of my recent mantras which seems to be escaping my mouth more and more often. it emerges when i am faced with the endless list of chores i would rather not deal with. insurance. head lice. bureaucracy. in-laws. the list goes on and on and on and on, ad infinitum.reality checks requested. am i making sense?"ever'thin they is but loving leaves a rust on your...
I think seeing a therapist is a good step. Your boyfriend’s behavior likely won’t change so it’s really up to you to decide if you want to be with someone like this. It’s not unusual that couples occasionally snap at each other. His behavior is beyond that. It’s not normal. So don’t try to normalize it.
I'm not sure if you had past trauma growing up, but I grew up seeing my parents fight and sometimes it got physical. I find that even as a 35 year old adult... When someone starts yelling that is goes right through me... It is absolutely an awful feeling.
I'd suggest being assertive about it. Maybe on a calm day when you and him are feeling well you can tell him how you feel. I know this is a bit corny... but maybe use "I" statements as well. This helps people not get offended as easily and would probably give him a better chance of listening.
Just in case you don't know what I mean I will give you an example.
"When (you) yell at me, I start to have a panic attack and I really can't handle how it makes me feel."
I statement
Hey babe, I have been wanting to tell you about this for awhile... When (I) get into arguments and people start yelling, it really bothers me"
Not really much more I can offer.
Relationships are tough... but I think the best thing a person can do is communicate with their loved one.
Also, I wouldn't minimize it all because it's verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse in my opinion.
You are only responsible for what you say, do, act, and respond. He is entirely responsible for what he says, does, acts, and responds. Often when you change your response to have a better well-being for yourself, his usual response will get worse.
If he's out of control with his mouth and actions, keep quiet and move through positive action to resolve the situation in the best way for your well-being.
If there's a continuing pattern to his 'lack of control' actions, keep track of them in a safe place. This will help you to figure out quiet ways to resolve the issue without playing into his feelings.
Talking about it is one option. However, talking often results in the behavior getting worse or more obvious.
For your anxiety relief naturally, practice even breathing counting and use a saying, breathe in through nose, pause, breathe out through mouth, stop, pause, breathe, option, repeat until calm and clear headed.
He is responsible for his feelings alone. You are responsible for your feelings.
By showing him calm and clear headed choices and just improving your anxiety level naturally, you will find yourself better prepared to be comfortable in facing his behavior without making it your problem.
Whatever you choose to do for yourself, please know you have a support group, encouragement, and understanding here.,
When I think of leaving, it's a sense of calm that washes over me. I made a pros and cons list and I cannot come up with any pros that are anything worthwhile. I am very emotional right now so I will not be making any decisions but I am extremely happy that I have discovered that he's emotionally abusive and the cause for my anxiety. Figuring out what the problem is is the first step..... I don't understand how I've been so blind to this and how I let it get this bad. But I need to forgive myself. I have a long road ahead.
Thank you ... I'm so sad and I appreciate all of you writing back to my post.
I had an ex (or two) that were alcoholics and would go into rages like how you describe. I am long broken up with them, and much happier when I got away from those type of guys, and started dating mature men who don't yell around and throw temper tantrums, such as your current boyfriend. You need to be concerned that physical violence is next, if it hasn't already happened...
You can get out and you should get out. I don't always come on here and tell people what to do.... but in your case, you do need to start making a plan to break this off. Start with finances. You said you work (great!), so start saving every bit of extra money that you can. You will need money to move out. Also, do you have any family near by? It would be great if you could move in with your parents until you can get your own apartment.
Please discuss this with your therapist. You are a young woman, you're smart and nice, and you don't need to be around this immature jerk.... You can and will get out.... Start making a plan...
But Someone who has an ongoing pattern of directing anger at a partner, regularly calling the partner stupid, demanding said partner immediately corrects what is perceived as a wrong, to the point it causes the partner to walk on eggshells all the time and live in a state of fear, that is abusive.
And if the genders were reversed it would still be abusive.