Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Thanks for allowing me to vent my Soon to be ex husband is a narcissist which in part has caused most of the anxiety and panic that I have been experiencing. It’s so crystal clear. And whenever he sees me on social media being happy and doing my thing he will shoot me a random text and I always respond. We keep things very polite but he does it just to see if I will respond. I’m thinking he’s texting because he wants to say he’s sorry for the mental abuse he caused. Or that he’s sorry we are getting divorced or something like that. And pride and narcissism won’t let him say those words. And so my expectations are always let down during these communications. I don’t want him back. I just want him to say sorry. It’s closure for me in a way I guess. Sunday I posted that I went to the movies on Saturday and the movie was excellent and I was in a really cute outfit and got a lot of likes and I just looked soooo happy which I look very happy in all of my photos. So he texts me Sunday night and says how are you. And I say I’m doing fine and I asked him how was church because he is a pastor. And he says great and then he tells me that the church has a four day conference and that it was jammed pack every night and how the church is doing so well and then he says hes in Florida on vacay by himself. So I told him that all of that was awesome and to keep on doing what he’s doing and the church will continue to be blessed. All of this convo was by text. I then texted and asked him how long was he going to be in Florida. And he didn’t respond. But he called me the next morning. I didn’t answer. So I’m asking myself why is this dude texting me while he’s on vacay. And the answer is because he’s a narcissist. He just can’t seem to understand that I’ve moved on. So the after effect of this communication is I had some panic out of nowhere last night. And I know the trigger was communicating with him. The mind games. He watches my social media like a hawk. I know the best thing for me to do is to block him but I want him to see that I’m living my best life without him. It’s sort of a jab. I ended the relationship so it’s oribsbky eating him up that I left. But I had to leave because the emotional abuse was too much to bear. But I digress. So I know now that I must never respond to anymore of his texts or phone calls. I must remain vigilant and treat him like a recovering alcoholic would treat alcohol. I’m not going to block him because he will think he’s getting to me. But I don’t have to respond to him because he’s just trying to abuse me from afar. Thanks for allowing me to vent.
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I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
Hope the venting helped. It often does. Vent freely. Vent often. It's allowed.
I love your closing statement to the rant. "But I don’t have to respond to him. . ." Whatever it says on his official psychology spreadsheet, on an ex-wife's strictly personal spreadsheet, he's an ex for a reason and best kept in the past tense. So I opine. . . For what it's worth, I've never been divorced, but I delete ex'es of any stripe from my phone book, both digital and analog. Once they have been exinated, there is no point to preserving their particulars. You have been deleted.
Continued support while you find what works for you, Kennedi.
But this is what I finally realized, with the help of my therapist.
My need for him to see that I was happy and doing better...was actually in fact me trying to be a "people pleaser" still and that person was still HIM.
When I was discarded I was a shell of a person. So I took that as a reason that I was no longer shiny and attractive, so he found someone better.
Then we go to therapy, get our head back on straight, and get away for awhile...but deep down inside...we want to show them that hey...we are shiny and new again! Just like we were when we met them.
So by reengaging with our ex narcissist and trying to get him envious of who we have become now...we actually have ensnared ourselves back in the same song and dance with them. We are back seeking their approval.
So you text innocently back and forth...and then the silence....why did he just stop/drop off the conversation?
Then all the same anxieties/insecurities that you felt in the relationship when it was bad returns...hence panic attack.
Just the waiting (and we do alot of that in narc relationships) triggers our anxiety that we think is long gone.
You have to get to a point of not caring if he watches your social media like a hawk. Even though the saying goes something like - the best revenge is showing someone you're doing better without them.
This is not what you want to do with a narcissist. Especially one that has been emotionally, physically, or verbally abusive to you.
We are essentially stitching up our wounds....and dangling the cheese right in front of the narcissist again. We are engaging with them...in an approval seeking manner again.
Every post you put up, you are thinking...I want him to see me happy or doing this or that....and you are still giving him control over you that way.
It makes you happy if you are perceiving that he is jealous...but it makes you miserable still if you perceive he's not caring or noticing.
You have to get to a point where you don't care what he thinks about you at all. Even better, a place where he doesn't get to know what you're doing at all. That's why no contact is highly suggested in narc break ups.
I spent years dangling the carrot as well...hoping to save you some grief.
Sending you light and love!
Yes...I've been there...and I had all the same thoughts as you, and wanted revenge. I did all those things they tell you NOT to do...and everything they said would happen to my disadvantage...happened.
So when I give narc advice...it's not from a position of STRENGTH....it's really from a perspective of "OMG...I'VE DONE ALL THE SHITTY THINGS you're tempted of doing, have done, or will done...so let me spare you the misery and strongly encourage you to do better than I did. LOL."
Kennedi...they have conditioned us to ACT CRAZY. I remember thinking...I wasn't a jealous, vengeful, moody person before I met my ex. But years and years of abuse...makes you a jealous, moody, vengeful, unstable person.
They have conditioned us to accept and endure so much crap, abuse, and swallow our pride so many times...that our EGO...is literally crying for attention and a glimpse of sunlight.
We have been so undermined, undervalued, self doubt is running rampant...that our self esteem ends up in a toilet.
So I totally understand your DESIRE...to just show him that hey "you didn't get me...and I'm back to my old self."
But we need to reserve that old awesome version of ourselves (or the newer version)...for OURSELVES and those that love us in a healthy way.
Your ego has taken a great hit...and of course it wants acknowledgement and an apology...but even when you get one (I DID)...that emptiness is still there...and then you realize what you really want is your years/time spent back...and all that abuse you suffered to have never crossed your mind and body.
Revenge...I've been there too. But executing your plan is only going to again put you under his control and set you back. Remember if he's a narc, you're trying to get him to "feel" remorse by hurting him back...a person who already lacks empathy. It's not going to work. He will cunningly flip it on you...and you will be back where you were.
You don't have to forgive him. But I realized the person I needed to forgive the most...WAS MYSELF.
I had ultimately abandoned my self - my safety, my needs for emotional support, my dreams in a healthy relationship, my hopes for real true love, my physical safety, and my mental health....
I NEEDED TO FORGIVE MYSELF. That my friend, has take some time.
Because in addition to this, I had to learn how to take care of myself again...and not transfer my sick need to take care of the narc to taking care of others around me.
I had to refocus that energy on myself and give me the self care I never learned as a child.
Thanks for your post...and everyone else that post on this website...often I read the words and make my comments...but the self reflection that I go thru as I try to give support to someone else...reminds all that I have learned and need to remember myself.
Sending you light and love!
Remember this...you and the narc ex speak two different languages.
You speak/call/text with care, concern, love...and a function as a person who wants to understand and give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
The NARC speaks/call/texts with only thoughts of WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME (attn, control, gathering information to further manipulate her, and they actually get a bit of joy knowing that your mood/happiness revolves around how they treat you).
Don't ever forget that. So every time you engage in communication remember...you DON'T SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE...HONESTY VS WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME.
You will get thru this and it will take some time, and you will soon be from from his emotional and mental grasps. Don't beat yourself up when you make mistakes either. It's literally a process. But spare yourself some misery! Kudos for being the one to kick him out.
Sending you light and love!
Peace and love!