(((((((((((((JudyFZ))))))))))))))))
Communication seems to be difficult for many whether in a marriage or otherwise for most ppl.
I'm sure you have exhausted every avenue in trying to communicate and it feels defeating. However, you can't change your husband, but perhaps talking to your therapist may help you see other alternatives (I think you said you have a therapist....if not.....seeing one for yourself may help).

I'm not married (anymore), but I have a man whom I give free room and board in exchange for helping me with rental properties and he is terrible about communicating with me. We have had many disputes in something that should be simple such as keeping me updated on little things such as who has paid their rent on time and who has not.
I can surely understand your frustrations and hopefully you can come to a resolve about his son. I know you would love to have his son come camping with you and your folks (can I come instead? LOL). It's a shame becuz he will miss out a really good time, but it can still be fun for you and your folks.

I find the more you fight about this subject instead of just letting it go....the more the anxiety acts up. Is it worth it? I have found that stepping away from the situation, it will work itself out.
I have 3 kids and my ex turned them all against me during the nasty divorce from hell. My oldest (daughter) is mentally ill and has given us problems since she was 3....she is now 29. My son was swayed by my ex and also is estranged....he is 27. My youngest (daughter) is 25 and was estranged for 4 long years. I said nothing and suffered in silence. However, 5 years ago she came back to me and we have mended fences. That was a toughie......but I came through it by just backing down and letting her come to her own conclusion. As she matured a bit, my ex had pulled some terrible things on her (some of the same things he did to me)......and she came running back to me. I did not bad mouth her dad and it paid off in the end.
So as hard as it is.....try to let it go and wait it out.
Don't let the anxiety get the best of you....you have come too far to turn back.
Make a cup of tea and do something relaxing like a bubble bath or listen to some calming music (or both).
Hang in there. I'm thinking of you and sending good vibes your way :)

The thing that has always worked for me is to feel that my partner and I are on the same side overcoming problems together. We don't argue because we talk about feelings and feelings can't be wrong. We explore our feelings and empathize with each other and then work on a solution together.

In terms of step children and ex's what's worked for us is to contact the ex with our plans & get their okay as soon as possible. Once that happens, it's on the calendar and the only events that would change it are if something comes up with the child's school or they're sick.

Wishing you the best of luck with this. I know it's tough and what a pain in the neck to have to deal with an ex.

Thank you both for your comments. You are absolutely right, MsBlank. All the advice I've ever heard is that as a stepparent you have to get comfortable with letting go and knowing it isn't your fight, even as you are trying to be supportive of your spouse. It is a really fine line to walk. How do I show him I'm in his corner supporting him all the way, but also stay out of it? The control freak in me makes it hard.

I hate to see my husband's ex doing everything she can to alienate the kids from him. We've heard from multiple family members and friends back home that she badmouths their father to them all the time. She also creates scheduling conflicts and crises whenever he's supposed to see the kids. I'm pretty sure it's intentional. But what can I do about it? This is honestly something my husband has to handle, even if he doesn't do it well all the time. He gets so upset it almost paralyzes him and that makes me crazy.

His son has so far ignored all the conflict and he has a really good time when he sees both of us. He loves his dad. I hope it continues that way. My husband's daughter, on the other hand, is seventeen and already pretty estranged, sad to say. I hope you are right and eventually, when she's on her own and can get some perspective, she'll give her dad another chance. It's awful when one parent tries to turn the kids against the other. It hurts the kids worst of all.

I will weigh in as an extended family member and "legal stranger" with step children.
All too often, the same battles that take place during the children's childhood years, continue through life. Once one adult takes the high road of calm, focus, and kindness, that slips the knot of anxiety associated with the communication situation.
You can not change what is happening. You can only change how you react, and make your well-being first. Once you have your feelings in sync (body and brain), and your response fits your well-being, it brings about change since the usual response no longer fits.
Where one parent pulls last minute substitute plans, even with prior conversation, and claims communication glitches, it's important to remember that the battle is not about these details, and to reflect on the real problem.
Somewhere in the relationship changes, this is the hardest to cross the bridge on until the real problem is revealed.
There is no one size fits all solution to this dilemma, however, knowing there is a way to muddle through it without adding to the drama can often provide relief for everyone, both short-term and long-term.
We have six sets of families to manage holiday events with, and we have two really difficult situations to coordinate. We sat down with the adults (the ones who were attempting to sort out dates, times, and drop-off/pick-up venues), worked out a plan for the entire year at one sitting.
As the year went along, plans changed, and we were able to follow the situation without constantly working on number of people for certain events, as we planned for more, and divided up left-overs among those present.
The two really difficult situations involve one parent waiting til after the plans were made for a trip, to dangle a "fun" trip during same time frame. Rather than make a big deal over it (which takes away from the purpose of the trip), it was handled with adjustments by the adults quietly ( a lot of venting went on in safe areas), thus allowing the child involved to participate in both family events.
The second difficult situation involve one parent making promises to pick up/drop off child at certain time in specific venue. In this case, to eliminate further disruption, messages by telephone, in writing, allowed the disruption to be minimal.
These two situations are on-going, and the children involved are now double-digits, and the adults still have their feelings lined up nicely like you mention. However, the two parents have strong views on how they want to handle the situation (even though it is the adults involved with all the drop-off and pick-up, and the trips are family extended family trips), and everyone wants to make it easier for the children to be comfortable, at times, nothing seems to work without having more issues involved.
All I can say is that all your efforts will pay off, just remember to take care of yourself, including your feelings, even if it's just really expressing them here, and being the calm one in the midst of the actual event.
Best wishes!

@mideyebrow, thank you so much for your insights. Wow, your family situation is mind-boggling. Good for you, untangling all of that! It sounds like everyone wants what is best and is willing to work on it, so that's good.

After we calmed down, my husband opened up to me a lot more about everything and how upset he was. I convinced him to not let it go, to call his ex and explain to her how important this trip was. he did, even though his usual habit is to just avoid dealing with her. But it worked out. She agreed to reschedule the trip and I think everyone is happier now.

It helped a lot to come on here and vent, then I did some yoga and meditation and I feel much better about the situation. I know that it is my role to stay calm and supportive and drama-free, but that has made my anxiety worse over the past couple of years. It builds up in me and then turns into anxiety. I think it's because I want to take responsibility for everything, even though I have no power over the situation. It's a losing battle. I guess it's because I love my husband and I want him to be happy and I want his kids to grow up with him in their life. There are a lot of kids out there with father's who don't want anything to do with them. It's a shame when a good and loving father gets cut out of the picture for no reason other than vindictiveness.

Believe me.......using the kids as weapons is just plain disturbing and so unnecessary.....but it is done so often. I am one of those that the ex did it to our grown children. He even tried to pull both girls into the divorce and have them testify against me (our son was in the Army.....so he couldn't do that with him). Thank God the girls said no.
I was so angry that he could use them to hurt me cuz he was mad that I left him (he is very abusive and I got tired of being beat up....but left when I told him to stop.....so he moved on to our son and dog).
My ex hardly had anything to do with our kids when they were growing up.....always had to work and too tired when he got home.
Now they clammer to him like he is the light of the world!
I just shut my mouth......that's all I can do.
My two older kids don't talk to me and now use their own kids as weapons......pulled them out of my life. I still have a chance when my youngest daughter has kids (she's the one who came back in my life). I also have one grand daughter (3 years old) that my son threw away.....wasn't his cup of tea (rolling eyes) that is still in my life :)
It is what it is and all my tears and prayers did not bring them back.....and the way that my ex brainwashed them.......I hate to say it.....but I don't want them back. They are mean, abusive, have stolen from me.....and the list goes on of horrible things they have said and done to me.
My youngest daughter is getting married this September and I have to spend several days with my ex....his parents (they were in on the abuse).......and my estranged son (the oldest daughter is not invited, but I'm prepared to walk out if she shows up (she's a drama queen).
I am prepared to protect myself and my plan is in place.
I'm taking a vacation right after this wedding......God knows I need it and haven't had one in over 3 years.
It has stressed me out, but am working on letting out the feelings to my therapist and close friends.
Why does life have to be so complicated? LOL

Dear JudyFZ thank you for sharing you in this thread.
i am glad i read it and want to thank those who gave you advice!

i relate to much of what you shared and my heart goes out to you...
no step children here but the extended family issues
and communication or rather lack of is of major concern.

the advice from mideyebrow ..
"You can not change what is happening. You can only change how you react, and make your well-being first. Once you have your feelings in sync (body and brain), and your response fits your well-being, it brings about change since the usual response no longer fits."
that made me think ohh wow!!
perfect!!
now ...for the ability to apply it.

hard to apply lately because i have found myself feeling a fool
for always being the peace maker who takes the abuse from others.. spent YEARS doing that and am frankly tired of it..

i always read the whole thread which takes time but had i not i
would not have found the happy part that you and hubby talked
again and found a solution to this situation ..
that made me happy!!

camping is going to be a good time for all i just know it!!

May Blessings and peace bring you smiles!!

^_^

Hi Judy,

I dont have personal experience dealing with an exs kids, but I have friends that are in that situation. You are right; it isnt your fight to fight. The best you can do is listen to your husbands concerns and frustrations while staying calm and pretty much out of it (easier said than done).

I can relate to your frustrations with your husband not being able to handle difficult situations. My husband used to be like that too. He would get really upset about situations and expect me to be on his side. Whatever that means. It just seemed silly to me like something you would do in high school.

At times he had a legitimate reason to be upset, but sometimes he created a difficult situation by totally overreacting to what somebody else did or said and then he expected me to be on his side, too. I never really understood what that be on his side meant. Does it mean to get upset together with him, yell at somebody else with him, get furious and walk around in circles with him? Finally. I told him that sometimes I just dont share his point of view and that it is not fair to expect me to get upset with him out of sympathy. I have my own perspective of things. If something makes him upset he has a right to be upset, but that doesnt mean I am upset with him by default just because I am his wife. Nobody handles my frustrations for me. I have do it myself.

It took him a long time to get that and to be able to deal with his own emotions and frustration without me getting emotional and frustrated with him. Now, when something upsets him I let him be upset. Sometimes I share his view of the situation and I let him know that a particular event upset me too and when I dont share his view I just let him be upset by himself for a while. Surprisingly he calms down pretty quick now when I let him have his moment without getting involved.

I used to take over all the time. Meaning I would try to keep anything frustration, upsetting, etc. away from him (and everybody else) so that nobody would be angry with me, because it really used to scare me when people get angry. I learned this behavior when I was younger living at home. I tried to manage my parents by keeping a low profile, never getting upset, frustrated or standing out too much. My mother was not able to handle even the slightest conflict without getting overwhelmed and very upset. So, I learned to keep a low profile and not make a bad situation worse. I never got angry, frustrated or upset myself. It was too dangerous. My mother would freack out and then not talk to me for days or weeks. My dad was almost like a visitor in our home. I didnt have a real relationship with him. He also molested me. So, again I tried to keep a low profile trying to avoid getting yelled at or molested.

So I learned to keep conflict away from my parents at my expense. Then when I got married I learned to keep conflict away from my husband at my expense. I am now learning that I am not the reason for somebody elses anger. Therefore, I can let other people deal with their own frustrations now without trying to rescue them from the situation.

I can imagine that it is a stressful situation dealing with an exs spouse that it trying to turn the children against your husband. However, children grow up and start to have their own mind. Then they can look at things from a different perspective. If your husbands ex is trying to alienate their children from your husband it will bake-fire on her later.