Finally sat down and sent my mom a message explaining my plan. About getting better at baking and selling my desserts. I explained to her why I wanted to get help with money and that I have a plan to get off of it once I don't need help anymore. It was a long message and I hoped she would finally understand that I want to do something with my life. What did I get back?  "I understand. I know you dont want free money. I get it"

That is it. Feels like she still doesn't get it. I even explained that I don't want to live in this freaking dump anymore I want to help save up and fix it. I never tell her how much I am disgusted by this place and I barely even said anything in the message because she always gets upset when she thinks about it.

Am I supposed to just sit on my ass the rest of my life and live in my grandma's moldy basement?? Die alone here never doing anything with myself?? Those are exaggerations I'm sure but this is how I feel. Everyone and their mother can tell me their idea of how I should live but I have my ideas. This is my life I am trying to plan it out and do things. But I'm going to need at least a little help. The other day I asked my mom if she would sell stuff at the farmers market for me and she said "I don't know" really quietly and walked away. Does no one want me to make any fucking money??? What am I supposed to Do??

Me leaving the house without help without crying or panicking and being able to function normally will take at least a year probably more. You can try to tell me it won't but I know myself I know where I was before I stopped leaving I know how I am doing now this will be hard work. That is not something that will happen quickly. I'm trying to do something RIGHT NOW. Not a year from now not 3. In the moment. The only thing I can do is keep getting better at baking and prove that my plan would work if I had some support.

Everyone always says wow this is so good this looks awesome you could really make some money off this!! But then when I ask if they'll help me sell it, everyone seemingly goes quiet. The only person who thinks I could actually do it is my step dad. He said 4 different times that I should take some stuff to the farmers market and sell it. He even payed me for the cake I made and asked if I needed more money for it. I didn't even know he was gonna pay but the fact that he did was very nice. I would ask him to help sell stuff but he works a lot and they have 3 crazy little kids so that would not work well for them.

I am just tired of this. I know there is something better. I'm not gonna settle for this I always knew I could do better. My whole life I've wondered why we have to be so poor. Cried to my mom asking why we couldn't get nice clothes from the mall like everyone else. Why we had to get the free school supplies that all the poor people got and it was all ugly and everyone knew you were poor if you had it. I am thankful we have gotten help even if the things we have aren't the nicest looking. But I know I can do better than this I do not have to be stuck like this the rest if my life. I have high standards for how things will be and I'm trying to get there. I'm not gonna be poor living in a freaking dump health hazard for the rest of my life.

I just wish people would see that I'm trying to get out of this. I can't expect them to understand. I try my best to explain myself. That's all I can do. Besides showing people what I mean by actually doing it. Which I have been. I feel like everyone is lying when they say my stuff is good bc if they weren't they'd be all on board for me selling it. The only truly honest person I can trust is my sister. She will tell me if something is bad and she'll tell me if it's good. She's blunt. She gets straight to the point no sugar coating. I can't say she is always the nicest like the other day she said my hair looks awful and ugly but this isnt about my hair. When it comes to stuff I make she's honest and I am glad about that.  

I'm just full of negativity today. I just want to do something. Both my cousins my age are doing things. One started college the other is still in school and just got a tattoo with her sister. She has friends and a boyfriend. I have nothing. I sit here. Do the same things every day. I hate talking to people anymore because whenever they ask what I'm up to its always the same. I feel like everyone looks down on me in like a stupid 10 year old who can't take care of themself.

Just have to calm down and forget about it. Not much I can do except keep trying. Not a good idea to do that right now though because I'll probably explode at myself and get even more mad if I mess up. It is not good when I get mad at myself.