Barry,
It's your disease talking to you: "Just a couple and no more." Try not to fret too much about it. Hey, you're just like many of us alcoholics.

Of course, it was a big mistake. But who really knows?

Living a double life will certainly wear you out. And I believe there are many folks in AA that are living just like you.

In AA, that is not really the point. It is finding who you are, and hopefully, done with the 12-Step program of AA, or a combination of AA and other support programs that might work.

Now you're clean and sober again and back on track. Today is a new day. And guess what? You are just human.

My wife has had two bad strokes 10 yrs ago and is mentally and physically handicapped. I can not put her through the hurt it will cause by telling her. She has been through too much already. Our marriage isn't like most peoples. We have only a platonic relationship. I am more or less her caregiver and companion. I sometimes get lonely or just horny if you want to call it that. But from here on am gonna try to be good.
Barry

Ugh. I look at aa as a safe place. But I'm cautious of men. I am in and out of the rooms.
What you did is wrong on so many levels.
Glad you aren't drinking today.
Not sure what else to add other than I consider you the exception not the rule as I've met wonderful honest sober men in aa who don't take advantage of alcoholic women, with mental health issues.

I believe your higher power is big enough to work you through this just become willing start thinking how you can live a life of service, stay sober go to meetings and become willing to make amends whatever the consequences to yourself I believe sparing your wife that misery is thinking of others and not telling her is probably a good idea. You do owe the woman you had the affair with amends, we must always look at where we were wrong and not worry about what the other person did or didn't stop worrying about my needs being met and start worrying about how I can meet the needs of others and be of useful service to others hard on myself and easy on others is the motto. Like I said I do believe that your higher power can work you through this and if your offer yourself to him solely to build and mold you and you truly seek the will of your higher power and become a willing vessel I believe you can return to living in the son light of the spirit as it says in the big book.

I'm not judging, but here's my thoughts:

1. gr8- I think that #9's "except" is a loophole... I think in order to change a problem, you have to face it. I think hiding the affair is wrong. It just perpetuates a string of lies. Maybe not revealing something that as done 20 years ago may apply, but this seems to be a need to know issue to me.

2. Affairs are wrong and being an alcoholic does not give one a free pass.

3. I think you should call the parole officer/police and report this woman. She'll only do this again to another guy. For all you know, she used you from the start to avoid going to AA. Why did she get placed on probation? I bet it's for drinking. You could be enabling her to kill a family if she drives drunk. You think an affair is on your head??? It could be manslaughter. I'd contact a lawyer, first, though.

4. At the very least, tell your wife that you engaged in questionable activities with someone from AA and you need to make it right. Say you covered for someone, you want to come clean, and say you are going to take care of it, but need to hire a lawyer to do so. If she's still wanting to know the answers, she'll ask the questions.

5. If you have a platonic relationship, does SHE know about you needing to get off without her?

6. At the very least, you need to talk to her about it. She may have had two strokes, but she's still your wife and an adult. She deserves the dignity and respect to know what her husband's doing. If you can't do that, maybe it's time to get a divorce and have someone take care of her that's not violating her marriage contract. Don't you think she deserves to make that choice?

Is she mentally incompetent, or just not able to satisfy you sexually???

7. "Sober" means more than just not drinking; it means making clear and sound choices. I think coming clean will get you back to sobriety. Otherwise, you are continuing to lie and hide, which is NOT sober living. Face the music- you're still not back to Day One...

8. Maybe you should go to SA, too...

Sorry if I don't sound supportive, but to me, I will only support what I think is good behavior. I'm not criticizing you as a person, but your actions need to change.

Sticky I feel that she took advantage of me as much or more than I her. She used me . Took advantage of my mental issues. To be honest I expected more woman to attack me for this post than has.
Barry

"under every skirt is a slip" . Well not anymore, but you get the idea

Delis response was perfect

I agree with Sticky -- Deli's reply #20 was spot on.

The problem with reply #20 is that your wife probably already knows you had an affair. She doesn't want to admit it or face it. So relieving your own conscience by coming clean and telling her you had an affair will put pressure and extra stress on her to make a decision - when she knows the truth, she will have to do something about it.

I'd go with #20 too as a pretty good all round response. Secrets keep you sick I was always told and I believe it.

P

And the problem here is tell your wife if you are 100% sure you won't do it again.

Are you sure, Barry? You said you have a platonic relationship with your wife. My guess is she already knows about the affair and she doesn't want to know the truth.

Do we have the right to compromise someone else to ease our own conscience?

If you are 100% sure you won't do it again, then confess. But if you have conflict about whether or not you will do the same thing again, I would say keep it quite.

Tangled web we weave

I can't add or take any thing away from this.

I will say that I am trying to keep sober and see how slippery the slope is and continues to be.

1-2

I pray that you can move forward bb

I disagree.....there is a reason for it and step 9 DOES apply here. and #20 just scratches the surface. I am on the "don't tell the wife" list for reasons that would take me too long to explain but I have already told the poster.

God Bless!