I thank all of you for your replies both pro and con about my issues. I will think long and hard about this. I plan to do the right thing from here on out either way. No more affairs.
And a special thanks to you bobinmaine because you really seem to understand what I am going through.
GOD Bless all of you!
Barry

You have my support! I admire you for taking an honest look at the situation and for seeking other sober alcoholic's opinions. I've not been where you are and wish you all the best.

Being able to unload this s--t has been a life saver. I was wondering how to move forwards. Now I think I can begin again. I have decided not to tell her what I did. After her massive strokes she has the mental ability of about a 8 yr old and I am ashamed of what I did but cannot look into her eyes and break her heart. She depends on me for everything and I love her!
Barry

Now I feel so bad

I am worthless

shit

I will not post on this anymore want this post to go away

Hello bbarton6161,

I had avoided replying to your original post probably because the subject was bound to arouse some strong opinions. However, after reading your latest posts I feel that I should add my two cents worth.

I will not offer an opinion on whether or not you should tell your wife you have weighed up your options and hopefully you have been spiritually guided in arriving at your conclusions. Nobody else can sit in judgement and say whether you are right or wrong so it is for you to deal with it and move on.

What concerns me more is how this is making you feel about yourself. I spoke to a man tonight who took a drink after being sober for many years. He kept it a secret for about a year and it nearly drove him crazy or back to fulltime drinking. Thankfully he finally found another way of dealing with it.

It pains me to see you describing yourself in such negative terms. The truth is that you are a human being and all humans have a range of emotions and characteristics. The worst of people will sometimes do good things and the best of people will sometimes do bad things that is the use of our human will. You are not bad or worthless or shit and you should not want to hide away. You are a good person and your wife needs you and you can best take care of her by first of all taking care of yourself.

If you were in AA and I was your sponsor I would be suggesting that you approach this through Steps 4, 5, 6 and 7. Dont beat yourself up about something that you cannot change. Instead, maybe have an inward look at yourself and try to understand what it is within your own character that made you act in this way. It is not about saying that you were good or bad, right or wrong just trying to identify what is it within you that caused the trouble. Having identified some things within your own character that you would like to improve, it would be wise to talk it over with God, with yourself and with another human being. I suspect that you have been doing plenty of talking with yourself about this and in some ways you have talked to other human beings by discussing it here. However, discussing it face to face with someone else would help you. That could be done as a Step 5 if you are in AA or you could talk to a clergyman if you are a church-going person.

The guilt and low self-worth that you are feeling now cannot be wished away and will eat you up unless you take action. That is why it is suggested that we should also talk to God about it. In Steps 6 and 7 we become willing to let go of defects of character identified in Steps 4 and 5 and most importantly, we humbly ask God to remove them in Step 7. Once that course of action has been completed, you have dealt with the incident and you should consider yourself forgiven. Once forgiven, you do not have a right to hold on to guilt or remorse and you can get on with your life.

Whatever way that you do it I would urge you to talk to someone else who is not involved in the matter. Then draw a line under the incident, put it in the past and have the best possible life with your wife.

Thank you PJ54 you are right. I said I wouldn't post on this anymore but just want to say I am okay now have excepted that what I did was terribly wrong and will try from here on out to be the person that I feel I should be. I was so guilt ridden that I couldn't pray or talk to God out of shame. I cannot change what happened but I can change how I act in the future. I asked the God of my understanding to forgive me and I feel he did!
God Bless all!
Barry
ps am still clean and sober and that is priceless

As a double winner attending both AA and Alanon, I noted two strongly different emphasis on the same step 9 in these two different groups. Just wanted to share that with you. In the examples in the Big Book of AA it made it seem like the best thing to do is to confess one's affairs to one's spouse - it strongly pointed in that direction, seeking only to protect the 3rd party's name (the "other" women). The examples it gave were pretty much strongly leaning in that direction. It didn't seem to protect the feelings of the spouse at all, saying it would be better for her in the long run to know the truth. (I'm totally not directly quoting here).

But then in Alanon's version it was pretty much all about exactly what you stated. It was short and sweet and said in the example of affairs, the truth could hurt the spouse, and it might be best to amend one's behavior and not do it again, but to zip it on telling the wife. Again, totally not quoting.

I just wanted to share with you that, even in the world of 12 step literature there seems to be stark contrasts of interpretation. I suppose it is a case-by-case basis. Glad you told the group and shared it here, that should help with the pressure on the conscience.

Am very sorry to read about all of this struggle. Glad you are back on the track on sobriety.

Umm, I think step 9 definitely applies here! Sly