Are you following a recovery plan (rehab or AA) or attempting this on your own? If you are in a recovery program, please speak to sober alcoholic with your concerns. That is the most direct line to support and help.

I think your post contains several different points to be addressed.

#1 is your husband's actions. Once of the first thing I learned in AA (sober since 07/04/2004) is that I have no control over another's actions. Although your spouse's threats and actions appear to be despicable, the only thing you can control it your response to him. You can acknowledge your "backslide" and be accountable. At this point, I wouldn't make any promises regarding your recovery - that will only provide more ammunition should you face another setback.

You mention trust in your spouse. I have to ask how many times you have damaged your spouse's trust in you by your drinking. This is not a game of "tit for tat", but to help you realize that trust has been broken on both sides. And trust has to be earned and sometimes that may take a long time.

In recovery, I can not demand that others act in a way to assuage my feelings of shame, remorse or guilt. Whether or not your husband's actions are "wrong" are not currently your concern. Your primary concern should be maintaining sobriety. Was it wrong that my husband divorce me and request (and be granted) legal custody of my children? I don't know, but I didn't dwell on that. I focused completely on my recovery, on my getting well.

And speaking of children, I am sure your drinking comes as no surprise to your adult children.

Again I want to stress to you that you have absolutely no control over others' thoughts or actions. Trying to make people comply with our selfish wishes merely causes resentments and creates a "reason" to drink. We wish to alter and/or cover those negative feelings of resentment, hurt, etc by erasing things with alcohol. In order to live sober, we must find a new way to deal with life, without alcohol.

I found that by adhering to the 12 Steps of AA, I have been able to navigate through life without having to turn to alcohol. I wish to same for you.

TY great points.

Focus on you, the rest is just noise !

Yes that’s all what came to my mind.
My experience was quite different. I was brought to a place (long story) where I KNEW that the only way to be free of the deep life rut I had dug myself into was to never let another drop of alcohol pass my lips for the rest of my life.
I didn’t tell anyone this was my plan. I decided that those words were meaningless to anyone but me.
I had been married 30 years when I quit 4 years ago. We had drifted apart and were basically roommates with love more like siblings than spouses.
I quit for me. My continued sobriety positivity affects everyone now but ultimately it’s for my well-being. It isn’t possible for me to love myself AND drink.
Change only happens when we have had enough of one behavior and truly WANT something different. I see it like the commitment to run a marathon. Train every day because there’s no faking endurance. You either strengthen your resolve that this is what you’re doing or just keep doing the same thing.
There hasn’t been a single day that I considered cheating on my sobriety, on myself. The reason is that I like myself now and I remember how it felt when I didn’t even know myself. NOTHING is worth losing the friendship I have with me.
Wouldn’t you do anything for that too?
Figure out what YOU want, this is your life and your husband and kids are in their lives.
When someone talks about changing and doesn’t follow through it can be frustrating. For your husband to take you seriously you have to take your sobriety seriously.
Nothing I’ve ever done in my whole life has been more real than continuing my sobriety. It’s my treasure.
I promise you that every day sober slowly shifts your entire perception of life. Best to you.

you know what, everytime I read these posts, it reaffirms my sobriety and why I no longer drink - thankyou everyone !

With patience, compassion and tolerance!

This was something I felt I deserved for everything I put my family through so I used it as motivation to stay sober. From doing the steps, I knew that holding on to guilt would be a huge trigger and I needed to let that go. I said the serenity prayer about a hundred times a day during those early days when my sobriety was still in a fragil state, and that little short prayer got me through those days when I wanted so badly to feel sorry for myself and project my dis-ease onto everyone around me so I could say, "YOU are the reason I drink! YOU are the reason I feel so bad!"

Nobody force fed me alcohol! I took full responsiblity for my drinking! The only thing that changed the attitudes of those around me was "Time". It took months before people began to see that I had changed exponentially for the better. I was sober, generous, helpful to others, and I learned to have love and compassion toward those around me. I didn't ask them for forgiveness but I forgave myself because I knew my Higher Power already did.

In summary, I ignored all the gossip about me and when spoken to I would calmly answer in a polite way without arguing.

Addiction has been called a family disease because every member is affected by it in a negative way. It took time for me to heal and it took my family even longer to heal but without the 12 steps of AA and my AA sponsor, I probably wouldn't be writing this to you right now. I have since moved on to other forms of spirituality, but In the beginning, AA helped me out alot. I highly recommend.

God Bless

Thank You.

Great question, loved ones guilting us or attempting to "guilt us" into a change for the better.

The problem as I see it is those who feel guilting another into doing the right things, as far as their moral compass is concerned, still believe to be an alcoholic is a choice and not an illness.

Until that person educates themselves on what you really have, their response to your illness is always going to be them expecting you to be better than God actually is allowing you to be.

Unfortunately you might have to just devalue that person's own ability to strengthen relationships and just pray for them. I realize that is probably going to be extremely hard to do if that person is your spouse. God bless.

Great response Fredric!

TY

What have you replaced the drinking with ? I tried to quit many , many times but would fall down every time. Until I found a replacement for the booze. For me this was a 430 P meeting with some other alcoholics. I was able to dry out and then after awhile I went just to not go to a bar , then I learned a few tricks and met some good people.

Until that point I would just sit around and think “ I can’t drink “ now I think “ I don’t want a drink”

Remember Alcohol IS a DRUG. It is highly addictive and only about 1 in 100 will recover and not return to the nipple. The odds are stacked against the person with a unhealthy relationship with booze. I needed ALOT of help and found it readily available in aa

@bobinmaine can you say more about other forms of spirituality? Im here because my husband is in very early stage recovery without AA or a trusted sober confidant. He is pretty clear that the root cause is spirotual but I don't think he knows what tools he can use to connect with his spiritual self (without alcohol) I know I can't control him, but I think he is sometimes receptive to ideas if I can share them in a sober open moment. I'd appreciate ideas of what works for others. Thanks

@ Reeling........All addictions are triggered by underlying issues, such as depression, anxiety, ptsd, etc. You can treat it with medication and/or therapy and/or a spiritual path that would heal or control the root causes of all the anxiety, depression etc.

The 12 steps of AA is the spiritual path that that did that for me. I got a sponsor through AA who guided me through the steps and he became my lifelong friend. I spoke to him every day on the phone and if I had a craving, he would say the right words and talk me out of it. This was especially helpful when I was in the early stages of recovery! Having someone I could talk to who had been in my shoes was exactly what I needed.

I remember my first AA meeting. I was so nervous, I sat in the back and talked to the old guy sitting next to me. I preceeded to tell him all of my drinking related problems and he listened to me attentively without saying a word. When I got done talking, I expected my new friend to give me advice but all he said was this, "All you have to do is not drink.....that you can handle, one day at a time. Don't even think about all your other problems, just don't drink!"

I continued going to weekly meetings and over time, my life gradually got better....it was like someone was manipulating the pieces of the puzzle of my life and placing them exactly where they needed to go and at the right time! I had money coming from placesI never expected, I got a new job I really liked and my relationships improved and I heard similar stories at all the meetings I attended!

In AA we have the 12 steps but we also have the 12 promises, and all of the promises of AA have come true for me, in my life! One of the promises is, "You will quickly learn that God is doing for you, what you can't do for yourself! That was why the old guy smiled at me because he already knew my Higher Power would take care of me as long as I didn't drink!

I have witnessed many miracles in the halls of AA, myself included When I finished the steps and had my proof that I was being looked after by a higher power, then I wanted to meet that spirit .....which.....eventually I did but that's another long story.

You can call AA and they will send someone over to talk to your husband. AA is the only spiritual path I know of that is dedicated to helping sufferers free themselves from the chains of addiction.

AA was not the first thing I chose. I went through detox back in 2008 and I was in there for 4 days. This was followed by a 3 month IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) This was where I learned alot about my addiction and about the detrimental affects it has on the family. Every wednesday was family night which is where each person got honest with the alcoholic under the watchful eye of two counselors. This was very difficult all the way around but important because it forced me to take responsibility for what my drinking did to those I loved. After the 3 week IOP, I was referred to 3 months of once a week group counseling where I learned what my triggers were and how to handle them.

Throughout all the treatment I had, regular attendance at AA meetings were a requirement. I continued attending meetings once a week and when I reached one year sobriety, my AA home group had a big party for me, which we do for everyone who reaches a year.

Here is a video on a talk given by author Paul Hedderman which describes how AA works:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIq87qCZppM&ab_channel=JurekWyszynski

Thanks, bobinmaine.

@bobinmaine you mentioned other forms of spirituality besides AA, would you mind sharing. What are spiritual paths did you take besides AA because I feel like I am also on a spiritual path.?