confused2death

About Me

The last time I was on this site was five years ago.I have changed so much but this certain darkness seems to have followed me through the years. So here I am again, I just need to know that I\'m not alone. Usually I\'m the happy, optimistic, charismatic, most life filled person in the group. While that\'s true to an extent. There has always been this lingering sadness in my soul, I\'m good at avoiding it for long periods of time. I will have the time of my life for months running from myself putting my emotions on hold until they inevitably catch up with me and I finally breakdown, then the cycle restarts. I am broken. It has taken quite a bit of soul searching to realize that its time for me to learn to put the past in the past for good. I have been through my fair share of trials for a 20 year old, it has made me not only wiser than many of my peers but much too cynical for my own good.I am not naive enough to not see that the worste is yet to come. I must admit I love having such a crazy life, I just wish it was slightly less fucked up. In the past two years I have gone through so many changes, it feels like decades have passed. I have made and lost great friends, watched my mother fade into cancers grave, I have been homeless in spirts but lucky enough to have friends with couches, I made a relationship with my father then lost it, I\'ve had most of what little I had stolen by \"family\", I should have been far away from this state by now but my car died along with the little bit of money I had saved. So here I am, in this viceous cycle of going nowhere. Thankful for good brothers helping me out with a home and ride, guilty because there is nothing I can return. I used to have dreams and ambitions, I wouldn\'t let anyone telling my my crazy ideas would never work stop me from pursuing a damn thing. But I have let darkness back in my heart, the light for my path has dimmed. I lack all hope and ambition and dreams. But I want them back.