Monday eve
Just feel like writing a bit tonite - I am so angry today. Angry that Jennifer isn't here with me sitting on this couch. Angry that my life is what it is. Angry that I am not feeling blessed at what I do have. Just angry. Angry that I smile or listen to a friend complain about their kids wishing the whole time that I had a kid to complain about. Angry of trying to be the "better person". Angry that I'm a different person now - I don't even know who I am sometimes. Angry that I can hear my mom's voice saying "keep going", don't be depressed, God loves you....just in the moment tonite of being Angry - And yet I have so much to be thankful for but the very thing I was always so grateful for was my daughter - good, bad and the ugly of our relationship sometimes, I was thankful, grateful I was her mom....now tonite I am fighting to find my identity....Angry that I'm in that position...Always Jennifer's mom but she's not here.....back to angry again.
I could go on and on but I won't---I've said enough! Thanks sisters of the heart for being here because this sister depends on you being there!! Vicki
I could go on and on but I won't---I've said enough! Thanks sisters of the heart for being here because this sister depends on you being there!! Vicki
Replies
I completely understand, Vicki.
We love & miss our absent children so very, very much...
A year later, it\'s still unbelievable.
You gave earned the right to feel whatever you need..don\'t lose your voice.
It is okay to be angry. No need to feel guilty. You have endured the worst loss imaginable. Jennifer should be on the sofa with you. There is no bloody justice in this world!
It is okay not to be the better person. We tend to tippy toe around, trying not to offend others. It is strange, as we are the ones who have lost. I have been tempted to tell my friend who complains about her daughter to be thankful she has a daughter.
You are so right. We are no longer the people we were. Life as we knew it is no more. It takes a while to negotiate this new, horrible reality. Believe it or not, it does get better. But that hole in the heart will always be there.
So Vicki, you have every right to be angry. Come here and let it all out. It is the one place where you are safe. We understand and care.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
I understand how you feel, dearest Vicki. Sometimes our hurting becomes too much to bear, and it turns into anger. You have true reason to feel angry. What helps me sometimes, is when I take a hammer and smash some useless object, to a pulp with it! Don\'t feel bad because you are angry, it is o.k!
Loving hugs, my friend! xxx
You have every right to feel how you do - and however you feel at any given time. There is no wrong way to feel after what you have been through. This is the hardest thing you will ever do and right now it is raw, open and terrifying. Down the road, you may feel differently but today - let it all out and take care of you! Joanna x
Dear Vicky:You sound just like I do at times, Especially in the very beginning . Just hate, anger, towards everyone. Plus I have no family Thank God I had my sister. I would hear the other women talking about their daughters, getting married, grandkids, family gathers I would just feel so depressed. It is part of the griefing process. I still get that way. So go ahead and let your self real the way you are feeling it will go away. Bless your special angel hugs and love MaryAnn
I know exactly how you feel. Feel anyway you want to. I also feel guilty for not appreciating what I have and focusing on my Jeff being gone at such a young age and with so much to live for. I have been trying to go back to church - tried church one time and it was a waste. So I thought I would try it again. I agree with all the comments that the Moms have said that this is the hardest thing we will ever do. I still after 9 years have break downs and want to say who gives a S--t? Love and hugs to you....Nell
Of course you are angry. Life is so unfair at times and it is hard to have your daughter ignored every time you bring her up. I exploded, I screamed, I punched a pillow. (I scared the poor dogs...)
It was what I had to feel at that time. No one understands, except here...
Hugging you, Vicki
With you and hearing your heart. It makes everything that seemed important once before very pale in comparison to what is felt now, doesn\'t It?
It is a spin cycle of emotions and they are exhausting... Feel it all as you are and get it out as you are. There is healing in bringing it all out into the light and into the open. I think sometimes it loses some of its power too when it is not locked up deep inside and is given a voice and expression.
With you and caring and just BE however you need to be. Oh, how I wish with all of my heart that Jennifer and all our children were still earth side. Deepest of sighs...
Loving care dear friend and SO much understanding,
XO Joanie
Oh I completely understand....sending you lots of good thoughts....
Thank you\" sisters of my heart \"- once again your heart felt comments remind me that I am not alone and above all I\'M NOT CRAZY.....Only you all understand like no other. (((((hugs))))) Vicki
Vicki I will scream with you. I listen to other people bitch about their kids like you I want to tell them be happy this will not last forever. They may be gone before you know it. Look at me !!!!!!!!
tight hugs
Penny
I get it. I am really angry too whenever I let myself think about what happened. I don\'t know if you ready other blogs outside of FMO. I follow some from bereaved parents because they put into words what I am thinking. If you are interested, I recommend http://deeincollingo.com because she is really good at expressing the anger we all feel about this insane place we now live. Hugs, Laura
Hi Vicki, I totally get the feeling. Below is a link to the national The Compassionate Friend\'s webinar on \"New Year\'s Resolution:Dealing With Anger\". I sign into their webinars whenever there is one that I\'m interested in. I registered for the one below because I still have issues with this.
You may have already heard of this, but I figured I\'d share it just in case you were interested. It\'s this Sunday, the 18th, at 5 PM your time. This URL will lead you to the registration page where they would then email you the link to sign into the webinar.
https://attendee.gotowebinar.com/register/4865396491308477698
Love and Hugs,
Diane