FINALLY GAVE IN TO GETTING HELP.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ON FOR A WHILE AND I JUST WENT THROUGH SOME OF THE JOURNALS AND RESPONSES. OH, HOW MY HEART BREAKS WHEN I READ SOME OF THEM. AND THEN THE RESPONSES ARE SO UPLIFTING. THE SUPPORT AND LOVE ON THIS SITE IS MORE THAN COMFORTING. IT DOES GIVE US HOPE THAT EVENTUALLY WE WILL HEAL. ITS 10 MONTHS TODAY SINCE MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER LEFT ME. I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW FAST THE TIME WENT AND I THOUGHT I WAS COPING BETTER.
AFTER VALENINTES DAY, I HAD A MELT DOWN. I JUST COULDN'T GET IT TOGETHER, ALL THE FEELINGS OF PAIN, LOSS, EMPTINESS JUST WOULDN'T GO AWAY. I STAYED IN BED FOR TWO DAYS AND CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED. I WENT TO MY DOCTOR TO SEE IF HE WOULD INCREASE MY XANAX AND HE INCREASED MY PROZAC INSTEAD BECAUSE HE WANTS TO TRY AND GET ME OFF THE XANAX EVENTUALLY. NOW I'M TAKING IT 3 TIMES A DAY.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THIS ROLLER COASTER RIDE OF EMOTIONS THAT WE ARE ON IS NEVER ENDING. I DO BELIEVE IN GOD BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT PRAYING TO HIM WILL DO ANYTHING FOR ME. WHEN I READ SOME OF THE JOURNALS, I SO WISH THAT I HAD THAT FAITH.
I TRULY DON'T CARE IF I LIVE ANYMORE AND THAT SCARES ME. I WAS SO FULL OF LIFE. I DONT WANT TO DO ANYTHING ANYMORE. I THOUGHT I WAS COPING BETTER THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I JUST STARTED FEELING NOTHING. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE, I FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY, LIKE THAT EMOTION JUST LEFT ME. I FORCE MYSELF TO GO OUT. I WISH I COULD STAY IN ALL THE TIME. SO, MY BEST FRIEND AND MY SISTER BEGGED ME TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. I AM GOING TO SEE A SHRINK. MY INTAKE WAS WITH A THERAPIST AND FROM EVERYTHING I TOLD HER SHE SAID SHE THINKS THAT THAT SHOCK OF JACKIE'S DEATH IS FINALLY WEARING OFF. MY JACKIE DECIDED SHE DID NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HER PAIN ANYMORE AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO STOP HER. LIVING WITH THAT IS JUST TOO OVERWHELMING. I NEED TO LEARN TO COPE. I WANT TO TRY AND LIVE AGAIN BUT RIGHT NOW THIS FEELING OF "I DON'T CARE" IS VERY VERY SCAREY TO ME. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE MY MIND IS BATTLING WITH ITSELF. SO MANY EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS GO THROUGH IT. I STARTED TO SMOKE AGAIN AFTER JACKIE DIED. I QUIT OVER 15 YEARS AGO. WHEN JACKIE FIRST TOOK HER LIFE I TALKED ABOUT WANTING TO DIE. EVERYONE SAID "YOU HAVE A SON AND GRANDCHILDREN, FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO LOVE YOU, DO YOU WANT TO DO TO YOUR SON WHAT JACKIE DID TO YOU. NO, OF COURSE NOT, BUT A CHILD IS SUPPOSED TO BURY A PARENT. HE IS GOING TO BE 41 AND HAS A FAMILY. THIS SOUNDS SICK, BUT I FIGURED IF I SHOULD GET SICK FROM SMOKING I WOULD DIE FROM NATURAL CAUSES AND HE WOULDN'T THINK I DIDN'T LOVE HIM ENOUGH TO STAY ALIVE. HOW SICK IS THAT. SO, I HOPE THE PSYCHIATRIST COULD HELP ME.
MY DAUGHTER KILLED ME WHEN SHE COMPLETED SUICIDE. I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN NOW TO TRY AND COPE AND GET A HANDLE ON THIS, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO HEAL.
AFTER VALENINTES DAY, I HAD A MELT DOWN. I JUST COULDN'T GET IT TOGETHER, ALL THE FEELINGS OF PAIN, LOSS, EMPTINESS JUST WOULDN'T GO AWAY. I STAYED IN BED FOR TWO DAYS AND CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED. I WENT TO MY DOCTOR TO SEE IF HE WOULD INCREASE MY XANAX AND HE INCREASED MY PROZAC INSTEAD BECAUSE HE WANTS TO TRY AND GET ME OFF THE XANAX EVENTUALLY. NOW I'M TAKING IT 3 TIMES A DAY.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THIS ROLLER COASTER RIDE OF EMOTIONS THAT WE ARE ON IS NEVER ENDING. I DO BELIEVE IN GOD BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT PRAYING TO HIM WILL DO ANYTHING FOR ME. WHEN I READ SOME OF THE JOURNALS, I SO WISH THAT I HAD THAT FAITH.
I TRULY DON'T CARE IF I LIVE ANYMORE AND THAT SCARES ME. I WAS SO FULL OF LIFE. I DONT WANT TO DO ANYTHING ANYMORE. I THOUGHT I WAS COPING BETTER THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I JUST STARTED FEELING NOTHING. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE, I FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY, LIKE THAT EMOTION JUST LEFT ME. I FORCE MYSELF TO GO OUT. I WISH I COULD STAY IN ALL THE TIME. SO, MY BEST FRIEND AND MY SISTER BEGGED ME TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. I AM GOING TO SEE A SHRINK. MY INTAKE WAS WITH A THERAPIST AND FROM EVERYTHING I TOLD HER SHE SAID SHE THINKS THAT THAT SHOCK OF JACKIE'S DEATH IS FINALLY WEARING OFF. MY JACKIE DECIDED SHE DID NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HER PAIN ANYMORE AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO STOP HER. LIVING WITH THAT IS JUST TOO OVERWHELMING. I NEED TO LEARN TO COPE. I WANT TO TRY AND LIVE AGAIN BUT RIGHT NOW THIS FEELING OF "I DON'T CARE" IS VERY VERY SCAREY TO ME. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE MY MIND IS BATTLING WITH ITSELF. SO MANY EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS GO THROUGH IT. I STARTED TO SMOKE AGAIN AFTER JACKIE DIED. I QUIT OVER 15 YEARS AGO. WHEN JACKIE FIRST TOOK HER LIFE I TALKED ABOUT WANTING TO DIE. EVERYONE SAID "YOU HAVE A SON AND GRANDCHILDREN, FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO LOVE YOU, DO YOU WANT TO DO TO YOUR SON WHAT JACKIE DID TO YOU. NO, OF COURSE NOT, BUT A CHILD IS SUPPOSED TO BURY A PARENT. HE IS GOING TO BE 41 AND HAS A FAMILY. THIS SOUNDS SICK, BUT I FIGURED IF I SHOULD GET SICK FROM SMOKING I WOULD DIE FROM NATURAL CAUSES AND HE WOULDN'T THINK I DIDN'T LOVE HIM ENOUGH TO STAY ALIVE. HOW SICK IS THAT. SO, I HOPE THE PSYCHIATRIST COULD HELP ME.
MY DAUGHTER KILLED ME WHEN SHE COMPLETED SUICIDE. I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN NOW TO TRY AND COPE AND GET A HANDLE ON THIS, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO HEAL.
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If not for all you moms I would truly go crazy, I have my meds and counslor but if I want to talk it out at any time, I have all of you, Too many are coming up for me, my birthday is this month, the 18th, easter, and then May 10th, her 1st anniersay
my computer goes crazy sometmes. But the worst is Mothers Day on the 14th, I will allow myself to break down and grieve after all this for days if I need too. I know my sister will be with me to help me through it. I hate that I am living and Jackie not. I know you all feel my pain and I a m sorry that this horrible event brough us all together but so grateful that I have all of you. Wishing everyone an peaceful Passover & Easter. All my Love and Graditude Gail