FINALLY GAVE IN TO GETTING HELP.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ON FOR A WHILE AND I JUST WENT THROUGH SOME OF THE JOURNALS AND RESPONSES. OH, HOW MY HEART BREAKS WHEN I READ SOME OF THEM. AND THEN THE RESPONSES ARE SO UPLIFTING. THE SUPPORT AND LOVE ON THIS SITE IS MORE THAN COMFORTING. IT DOES GIVE US HOPE THAT EVENTUALLY WE WILL HEAL. ITS 10 MONTHS TODAY SINCE MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER LEFT ME. I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW FAST THE TIME WENT AND I THOUGHT I WAS COPING BETTER.
AFTER VALENINTES DAY, I HAD A MELT DOWN. I JUST COULDN'T GET IT TOGETHER, ALL THE FEELINGS OF PAIN, LOSS, EMPTINESS JUST WOULDN'T GO AWAY. I STAYED IN BED FOR TWO DAYS AND CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED. I WENT TO MY DOCTOR TO SEE IF HE WOULD INCREASE MY XANAX AND HE INCREASED MY PROZAC INSTEAD BECAUSE HE WANTS TO TRY AND GET ME OFF THE XANAX EVENTUALLY. NOW I'M TAKING IT 3 TIMES A DAY.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THIS ROLLER COASTER RIDE OF EMOTIONS THAT WE ARE ON IS NEVER ENDING. I DO BELIEVE IN GOD BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT PRAYING TO HIM WILL DO ANYTHING FOR ME. WHEN I READ SOME OF THE JOURNALS, I SO WISH THAT I HAD THAT FAITH.
I TRULY DON'T CARE IF I LIVE ANYMORE AND THAT SCARES ME. I WAS SO FULL OF LIFE. I DONT WANT TO DO ANYTHING ANYMORE. I THOUGHT I WAS COPING BETTER THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I JUST STARTED FEELING NOTHING. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE, I FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY, LIKE THAT EMOTION JUST LEFT ME. I FORCE MYSELF TO GO OUT. I WISH I COULD STAY IN ALL THE TIME. SO, MY BEST FRIEND AND MY SISTER BEGGED ME TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. I AM GOING TO SEE A SHRINK. MY INTAKE WAS WITH A THERAPIST AND FROM EVERYTHING I TOLD HER SHE SAID SHE THINKS THAT THAT SHOCK OF JACKIE'S DEATH IS FINALLY WEARING OFF. MY JACKIE DECIDED SHE DID NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HER PAIN ANYMORE AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO STOP HER. LIVING WITH THAT IS JUST TOO OVERWHELMING. I NEED TO LEARN TO COPE. I WANT TO TRY AND LIVE AGAIN BUT RIGHT NOW THIS FEELING OF "I DON'T CARE" IS VERY VERY SCAREY TO ME. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE MY MIND IS BATTLING WITH ITSELF. SO MANY EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS GO THROUGH IT. I STARTED TO SMOKE AGAIN AFTER JACKIE DIED. I QUIT OVER 15 YEARS AGO. WHEN JACKIE FIRST TOOK HER LIFE I TALKED ABOUT WANTING TO DIE. EVERYONE SAID "YOU HAVE A SON AND GRANDCHILDREN, FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO LOVE YOU, DO YOU WANT TO DO TO YOUR SON WHAT JACKIE DID TO YOU. NO, OF COURSE NOT, BUT A CHILD IS SUPPOSED TO BURY A PARENT. HE IS GOING TO BE 41 AND HAS A FAMILY. THIS SOUNDS SICK, BUT I FIGURED IF I SHOULD GET SICK FROM SMOKING I WOULD DIE FROM NATURAL CAUSES AND HE WOULDN'T THINK I DIDN'T LOVE HIM ENOUGH TO STAY ALIVE. HOW SICK IS THAT. SO, I HOPE THE PSYCHIATRIST COULD HELP ME.
MY DAUGHTER KILLED ME WHEN SHE COMPLETED SUICIDE. I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN NOW TO TRY AND COPE AND GET A HANDLE ON THIS, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO HEAL.
AFTER VALENINTES DAY, I HAD A MELT DOWN. I JUST COULDN'T GET IT TOGETHER, ALL THE FEELINGS OF PAIN, LOSS, EMPTINESS JUST WOULDN'T GO AWAY. I STAYED IN BED FOR TWO DAYS AND CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED. I WENT TO MY DOCTOR TO SEE IF HE WOULD INCREASE MY XANAX AND HE INCREASED MY PROZAC INSTEAD BECAUSE HE WANTS TO TRY AND GET ME OFF THE XANAX EVENTUALLY. NOW I'M TAKING IT 3 TIMES A DAY.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THIS ROLLER COASTER RIDE OF EMOTIONS THAT WE ARE ON IS NEVER ENDING. I DO BELIEVE IN GOD BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT PRAYING TO HIM WILL DO ANYTHING FOR ME. WHEN I READ SOME OF THE JOURNALS, I SO WISH THAT I HAD THAT FAITH.
I TRULY DON'T CARE IF I LIVE ANYMORE AND THAT SCARES ME. I WAS SO FULL OF LIFE. I DONT WANT TO DO ANYTHING ANYMORE. I THOUGHT I WAS COPING BETTER THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I JUST STARTED FEELING NOTHING. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE, I FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY, LIKE THAT EMOTION JUST LEFT ME. I FORCE MYSELF TO GO OUT. I WISH I COULD STAY IN ALL THE TIME. SO, MY BEST FRIEND AND MY SISTER BEGGED ME TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. I AM GOING TO SEE A SHRINK. MY INTAKE WAS WITH A THERAPIST AND FROM EVERYTHING I TOLD HER SHE SAID SHE THINKS THAT THAT SHOCK OF JACKIE'S DEATH IS FINALLY WEARING OFF. MY JACKIE DECIDED SHE DID NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HER PAIN ANYMORE AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO STOP HER. LIVING WITH THAT IS JUST TOO OVERWHELMING. I NEED TO LEARN TO COPE. I WANT TO TRY AND LIVE AGAIN BUT RIGHT NOW THIS FEELING OF "I DON'T CARE" IS VERY VERY SCAREY TO ME. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE MY MIND IS BATTLING WITH ITSELF. SO MANY EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS GO THROUGH IT. I STARTED TO SMOKE AGAIN AFTER JACKIE DIED. I QUIT OVER 15 YEARS AGO. WHEN JACKIE FIRST TOOK HER LIFE I TALKED ABOUT WANTING TO DIE. EVERYONE SAID "YOU HAVE A SON AND GRANDCHILDREN, FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO LOVE YOU, DO YOU WANT TO DO TO YOUR SON WHAT JACKIE DID TO YOU. NO, OF COURSE NOT, BUT A CHILD IS SUPPOSED TO BURY A PARENT. HE IS GOING TO BE 41 AND HAS A FAMILY. THIS SOUNDS SICK, BUT I FIGURED IF I SHOULD GET SICK FROM SMOKING I WOULD DIE FROM NATURAL CAUSES AND HE WOULDN'T THINK I DIDN'T LOVE HIM ENOUGH TO STAY ALIVE. HOW SICK IS THAT. SO, I HOPE THE PSYCHIATRIST COULD HELP ME.
MY DAUGHTER KILLED ME WHEN SHE COMPLETED SUICIDE. I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN NOW TO TRY AND COPE AND GET A HANDLE ON THIS, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO HEAL.
Replies
Dear Heart, It is 10 months today also for me. I have the roller coaster syndrome too. I had a bad time after Valentines day. I just went to the cemetery and cried and screamed. Hang in there. I know sometimes if it were not for my other daughter, I would not want to go on.
My heart aches reading this. I wish there were words I could share that would truly help....I don\'t know if I have them. I do know I understand the pain, the not caring if I lived or died, the total destruction of my very soul. I also know that I am 5 years into life again after Kala\'s accident. That amazes me. At 10 months I wasn\'t sure I\'d make it. I am proud of you for seeking professional help and for sharing your heart with us here. It takes courage to say I\'m overwhelmed and need help. It takes courage to rise from the bed after you\'ve lost a child. I don\'t know if this will help you, but it did help me. I strongly believed I had to live to make Kala proud of me. Now, I know realistically I didn\'t have to, she was already proud of me, but it was something that got into my brain and more importantly into my heart. It fueled me every single day. Every thought, every action, every word...began with \"I do this to make Kala proud\". Eventually I didn\'t need that little \"trick\" and I began to be able to live for TERI. But man oh man, it\'s hard work and exhausting. We are truly fighting for our lives while struggling with the idea that we just don\'t care that much if we live or not. What a battle! My heart is with you and I encourage you to keep seeking life, peace, and even joy. I am living proof that it can be yours again. Never, never, never give up my friend. Tightest of hugs~~Teri.
I know all too well what you are saying. I, too, began smoking as soon as Brandon died for the very reason that I did not care anymore and I want to die....when my heart palpitates and I have a pain....I pray that THIS IS IT....I have no interest in living and it does not matter that I have a family...I know how that sounds but it hasn\'t stopped me from wanting to be with my son....as you want to be with your daughter. I believe we are feeling the very same depth of anguish that must have taken them ...that this is the feeling they felt for whatever reasons....but we have hung on...there is a reason....but it speaks to me that we do not have the make-up of the brain that they had that allowed them to complete suicide. I have read till my eyes have \"bled\" about the brain chemistry and mental illness that brings about suicide....NO..we could NOT have helped them even had we known....because of the way their neurotransmitters and lack of seratonin acted in the brain, they really had no choice either. Somehow that is comforting to me...that there was no real choice and that they were ill......but it does not bring them back...so here we are...so very sad and wanting them back.....I just know that the grace of God allows them to be well where they are...that they are alive and perfect....I must believe that ...it makes me glad in between tears to know I will see Brandon again....that his life had purpose right until the end...as all of our lives do....I hope you can get therapy and learn how to cope and that you are able to be weaned off the meds....I have my reasons for not liking meds but for some they work but it is always a risk.....God be with you and bless you...TLC...dale, brandon\'s mom
There is nothing greater than the love for our children. No matter what the circumstance we wonder why we could not protect them, even if they are adults. Seeking help medically and asking for help here are both big steps. I am at the 2-1/2 year mark so I will tell you, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, things start to get better. The people here are the most understanding, greatest, most giving people around. They understand as no one else can! Love and tight hugs, Leda
You daughter DID NOT KILL YOU, she was an adult and she made an adult decision based upon an irrational thought process, a mental illness, if you will. Suicide is NOT RATIONAL and God forgives it immediately. Those souls who suffer so much from torment wear a crown of thorns, they are sanctified, they go to heaven. DO NOT STOP PRAYING. Talking to God is ESSENTIAL, it\'s the enemy that\'s telling you your faith isn\'t \"strong enough\" and yes, there IS an enemy. I saw my April in October, standing at the edge of my bed, arms outstretched for a hug just as she did in life, her blue eyes GLEAMING and the most radiant smile on her face I\'ve seen since she was 12 years old. It lasted ten seconds, the moment I thought I\'d grab her and drag her down into bed with me to hold onto her, it stopped. THERE IS \"LIFE\" AFTER DEATH, GOD IS REAL. Turn to Him. Of course you will always feel the loss, there will always be moments of grief, minutes or perhaps even an hour, but God will HEAL YOU so you can go forward and do whatever it is you are supposed to do. READ about near death experiences:
http://www.nderf.org/NDERF_NDEs.htm
Mine is # 6207.
God does not cause illness, mental or physical. He experienced it Himself, all human emotion, in Jesus. YES YOU CAN have a connection to Him, He\'s standing in the wings waiting. I\'ve been praying for you and wondering how you\'re doing. I\'m so very, very glad to see you\'ve found a therapist. I hope this is a Godly person. Fear nothing, God IS IN CONTROL even though it seems He is not.
jill
Gail, I know your pain...when Ed died, even though he had children, my grandchildren, I really couldn\'t understand how I could go on after my only child, my biggest and best reason for living was gone. But I had almost the same experience Teri had as she found ways each day to make Kala proud, I too found a similar reason to go. I decided that I must live the rest of my life finding ways to honor God and Ed and that if I curled up into a ball (what I truly wanted to do) and no longer lived a fruitful life then death had won. And it was not going to win. I will keep Ed alive and make him proud and do what I can to love others and make this world a better place and that is what motivates me. Now at two and a half years into this most heartbreaking journey I do have peaceful days and even happy ones. It will happen for you too. I agree with the therapist who said that after 10 months the shock is wearing off and now it just hurts and reality is setting in. I remember the same feelings at around that time. Then at around a year, for me, there was another shift. I felt a bit more peaceful and began to remember some good memories and feel more gratitude for the years I had with Ed. If you\'d like feel free to look at some of my journal entries from around September of 2010. I won\'t lie - some days are still hard but overall I know I am beginning to heal. And I too am proud of you for seeking help and pushing yourself to get out of the house even though you would probably prefer to stay by yourself. Keep pushing yourself when you can. There will be other days that you will need to stay home and \"cocoon\". And that is Ok too. It is all part of the process. As for prayer, I asked God to heal my broken heart and i believe He is. And I also believe that prayer may not always change circumstances but I know it changes me. I will pray for you as you go forward on this journey towards healing. Much love to you and precious Jackie, Linda
I am so sorry for your loss. It has been over 5 years for me..my only child was killed in a freak hiking accident (in my mind, murdered). I just want to assure you that things do get better but they will never be the way they were before. I understand how hard this is for you and I wish so much I could take away your pain. All I can do is sit in the dark tunnel with you and hold your hand...and whisper in your year of hope yet to come. It will take time but you are not alone. Hugging you tightly!! love, lana
10 years post suicide of my daughter, Denise, and I agree with everyone here and I don\'t know what to add. Sometimes I feel my words are all wrong cause that is the way I feel, all wrong. Maybe one day we can chat. But I do pray that we all have more good days than bad. One day at a time, hoping today is better for you than yesterday or the day before. Sending special prayers your way. Barb
Yes, I am there in the same boat as you...my daughter, suicide just 2 1/2 yrs ago. I still want to join her, I still have meltdowns. I miss her so much. Everyday is a struggle to get up and go, but I do. I take no meds and I have never seen a counselor, I am here to chat if you need. ((hugs))
I\'m certain we have all felt as you and not cared if we died with our child. In fact, I would pray to never wake up. One day my hubby said almost the same thing to me as your friend...that I had other people who needed me. I never wanted my other children to think I loved them less, so for a long time I lived for them until I was able to live for myself. Yes I still miss my son each day and probably not an hour goes by that I don\'t think of him, but I want to live and enjoy the rest of my life because I know I will see my son again. You will see your daughter again, until then, get the help you need to heal and slowly enjoy what life has yet to offer. Your daughter would want that for you. Much love. Robin
Sweet Gail I know your feelings so very well. Jason was a suicide too and the pain it has brought to me knowing that he was so unhappy with his life that he did this has ripped me to pieces inside. As the others have said I too am living for my family, not for myself anymore. We are fortunate to have family that love us here on Earth and we need to be here for them. I don\'t even think about being happy anymore, I will settle for just peaceful. The anxiety I\'ve had since Jason\'s death has been torture, but it is getting better. I\'m sure it\'s because of the meds I\'m taking. I think that Jackie and Jason did not understand for one second how we would suffer by losing them, but we understand now and that is why we need to keep going forward for our family that is left. Sending you love and praying we both have moments of peacefulness in our days. Terry
As you can see from what the other mothers have said...we understand. We have felt what you are feeling...and somehow we survive. It seems impossible I know but our lives have purpose. You may not see the purpose at this moment...but it is there. The struggle is to fight through it and have hope that one day the way that you feel right now will change. You will always ache for your daughter...you will long for her...but there will come a day when you can enjoy life again. You will laugh with your grandchildren and enjoy the sun on your face...it just takes time. We are here for you...love and hugs...Karen
Gail, I have no words to add, other than to say we understand your pain we are here with you {{{{Hugs}}}}MaryLou
I so admire you for getting professional aid; it take courage to admit we need help! Trying to cope with the death of our children...who has more of a NEED than us, right? Our brain chemicals can DEFINITELY get depleted/out of whack from the sheer stress of it all and we need the experts\' help. Sometimes our bodies make it near impossible to \"go it alone\" and it is very wise then to receive help. Your sister and your best friend are also to be commended in my book! You can do it...I also thought, early on, that life would never be worth living again after my entire family was killed in an wreck. That is not how it turned out though...there really is LIFE after death...for US Moms too! Love+Hugs, Donna
10 months is a really short time... I had so many of the feelings you talk about... So many times I would think oh I can\'t stand this pain... I don\'t want to stand this pain... but somehow I\'d breathe deep... I\'d hang on... and I\'d make it another day... It took a long time... I don\'t feel like I really smiled until about 3 years after Cara died... and I was surprised when I actually felt some joy... I\'m so glad that you\'re going to see a counselor. I hope your counselor will be kind. Its sad to know that so many people walk this road with us... but I have actually been lucky in that two of the counselors I have seen have lost a child... and so I feel like they truly know the road I travel... Its a long hard road... but we\'ll walk it with you. Hugs Elissa