ps- the note, written in green marker back in Dec. is on my fridge. I see it daily, those words written in her handwriting. Very profound.

This all sounds soooooo familiar. Every post. Every word... and painfully so. I finished that second exit letter -- the one to my ex-bf: the Yoda of masterful mind-f*cks. I don't know why I haven't burned it. Maybe I needed to read these posts to really drive it home? It's six single-spaced pages, so obviously I had a ton of stuff to get off my chest. But what's my hang up? Why WOULDN'T I want to burn it? Why HAVEN'T I burned it?

These guys makes me sick to my stomach. Such wretched men. I'm going to go light that fire.

GO Litlle engine! When you are ready Burn them all. I had a little BBQ a few months back. Gathered up all of his letters to me and even the pictures...fired up the gril and burned them all...then cooked a juicy steak and opened a bottle of wine...It was a turning a point that helped me to move forward. You can Do IT!

I actually did it. I burned it. I almost made a larger fire to do the job, then thought better of it; little troll = little fire. And just like I had with the exit letter to my former spouse, I said a little message of thanks with each page as I set it ablaze.

Speaking of thanks... thank you for the cheering section, cndy, and many thanks to the rest of you for providing the final catalyst.

Wow...I could have written this post...I don't know why he would think of me now, because he didn't think about me when he had me! These men are poison and they use us until we can't take it anymore. Then we're left wondering if it was something we did?
I know his history before we met; he's worse than pond scum, and yet I somehow thought he would be different with me. Imagine that.

congratulations Little Engine!! YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE AND STRONG WOMAN....Nothing can stand in the way of your full Happinesss :) I am dancing for you right now

In answer to the Post DOES HE MISS ME? NO he doesn't! The Man I was involved with was a complete Narcissist and I know in my heart and soul that he does not miss me one tiny bit. He has dismissed me and discarded me because I no longer served as his SUPPLY. I am certain he has found others to supply him by now...and I feel sorry for those who are currently under his manipulative grip. Thank God he has dismissed ME...otherwise I would still be wrapped up in the cycle of madness that was sooooo destructive to My Life and which made me so deeply unhappy.

Sometimes (when I forget to hold onto myself) I wonder if my Ns even remember what I look like.

Did I ever once have a face to them? Probably not.
Did I ever possess any special characteristics in their eyes? Doubtful.
Do either of them miss me? NO WAY.

Would I like both to eat horse manure pie? Absolutely.

Ouch! lol.
I guess a part of me thinks he does miss me when I see that he's driving by my house, sending me 'mistake' texts, etc etc.
Logically, I'm sure it's all part of his control issues.
Both times I left him he has initiated contact. He would use an excuse like forgetting something at my place, or something trivially random.
Of course I translated those things into hsi way of 'missing me'

who teh hell knows...

I had experiences like that as well (i.e. the not-so-covert operations they would try to finesse). But there came a point when I figured it wasn't about missing me so much as it was about trying to drag me back into their audiences as just another soul to suck dry. This is NOT to say your ex doesn't miss YOU, Missmom!

Frankly speaking, I would LOVE to believe I am remembered and missed, that I mattered to them in some small measure. It's just that for me -- personally -- I can't afford to believe it. Otherwise, my twisted little pea-brain of a mind would get lost in scenarios that cannot be: their wellness and return with an armload of flowers, a scroll-worthy list of apologies, and crow feathers stuck between their teeth. **sigh**

I tried NC...about 18 hours...I am a mess.....I dont understand how someone who at one point says that they love you so much can say that they just dont see forever with you anymore.....I try to stay busy....but looming in the back of my mind at all times is "does he miss me?" I dont even give him a chance to miss me..... he wants to keep friendly contact still on his terms...I wish I was strong and could just cut him off...I am sick of curling up in fetal position asking....why again does this have to happen to me....when will i fall for an emotionally available man?? I am grateful to be able to vent here....because everyone else is sick of hearing it...waves of sadness and anger consume me....:(

"Friendly contact" is how I justified allowing my exes to mess with me. In fact, my children made me PROMISE to stop allowing their father to play that game with me, which made cutting him off much easier. The ex-bf was another issue altogether, and one I was ill-prepared to navigate even though I had experienced the self-serving narcissism of my ex-spouse. Ohmygoodness, was cutting him off the most difficult thing EVER!

I hear you girl, it is SO tough. Those kind words they occasionally tossed our way are the one to which we hold, but does it serve us well? Does it serve YOU well? And the "on his terms" is a major red flag, gin. Think about how that makes you feel and how controlling that is! Not a good thing! May I suggest you make a list of YOUR terms -- what is ideal for you to do for you -- and then try to follow them as you trudge through these initial steps of NC?

There are lots of folks on this forum whom are in various stages of NC at this moment. Perhaps it would behoove you to start a new post and ask for support. Strength in numbers, my good lady. Call in the troops!

Ya friendly terms is total BS. Before long, that turns into fwb. And then you'll really wanna blow your brains out. Thsi never happened with me and M, nor will it ever.
God! we were hardly friends when we WERE together! lol

Gin, I totally feel you, it is hard, but it gets easier. Gain your power back! What you're doing by staying i contact is for one, easing his guilty conscience (provided that he has one).
Don't show him that you can't function without him. That is so sad.
M and I went through texting every hour on the hour, to NADA. It was gradual throughout or relationship and I guess I'm kinda grateful that he started to withdraw early on...because I got to get re-acquainted with myself before it all came to a halt.
Set yourself some goals...one day then 2 then a week. It'll get easier..

OMG!!! I finally feel at home!!! Thank you guys so much I am gonna start a post now.... this is so hard it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest...BLechhhhhhh!!!

I'm so happy you feel at home. I do too. I LOVE the women here.