Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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notmyselfwhenhere 07/06/2010

Why is it that just when things seem to be calm...and you let your guard down for a second, the fear comes back. My AH is in recovery but not a good, solid recovery. His version - where you stay sober for long periods of time, say 10 months, binge drink for 3 days and then "go back to sobriety". It's living with the shoe preparing to drop all the time. His slip was a month ago so we're probably safe from any drinks any time soon. But that doesn't stop the drama. I think alcoholics love drama. He can't just go to work and come home and live a normal life. There's always some drama. Did you know that his work is more stressful than anyone else in the history of mankind? (Not to toot my own horn but um, I work hard too and actually make more money so guess whose job is equally if not more stressful?!?!)

I'm sensitive today because I took this week off. I needed to decompress from our "slip" last month and to clean the house for a family bbq this weekend. It's only Tuesday but he's threatened to quit his job at least 6 times. I try to be supportive, "Ok, quit. We'll be ok." But I couldn't hold back today, I had to say something more..so I did. I finally said, "Are you sure that it's just them and maybe that even at a new job, you'd get stressed out and unable to cope? Maybe in addition to quitting, we think about how to manage stress better."

Needless to say...that didn't go over well and now I have a pit in my stomach. Why does my vacation have to be ruined because he is stressed out?!

I know...Al-anon....Give me the strength realize what I can control and what I cannot..." Its just hard today to control my reaction to his constant threats of quitting. I just want a stable, quiet life....why can't he just go to work and come home and forget about it until tomorrow?

Dharma915 07/13/2010

Simply amazing - I have never gone to a forum like this before I should have done it years ago.
My ex-husband, AH - just passed away two weeks ago today. He is the same man described above.
For years since the beginning of our marriage in 1984 I heard of how much stress he was under at work.
He too could never relax. We too had no children. . .amazing. . .

deleted_user 07/13/2010

Thank you used! I will take your advice. Hopefully I won't need to, but after yesterday's appointment, I can see that it might be in my future. Our marriage counselor has asked him to write me letters, telling me the opposite of everything he ever called me or said to me. I won't hold my breath on getting the letters. *LOL*

Dharma, I am so sorry for your loss. What you experienced has been one of my worse fears for my AH. I hope you stick around. I think you'll find that we listen and support quite well here. :)

Dharma915 07/16/2010

NC337 - Thank you. I am reading so much here - I am finding you are such a great supportive group. Simply amazing. Thank you for you kind words - my gawd - it has been horrible - I am just so heartbroken - the night before he died I said to him "you could die" - he drunkeny brushed it off "eeeh" - I said "do you want me to call 911" - he said "tomorrow" - those were our last words. We hung up - I phoned him as soon as I woke up the next day and all of my messages are on his machine. The first one said, "hi sweetie - I just woke up, I got a good night sleep - I will be over to take you to the hospital". . .I needed a good nights sleep because he had phoned me the night before after 10:00 and he KNEW I had a very important job interview the next day - and he was so drunk. I had to practically hang-up on him because I HAD to keep the job interview - well I barely slept the night before the interview worrying so much about him. I went to the interview - it went well - did not go to his house that day but got a good nights sleep and went there the next day. Gawd - too sad - I was too late - He was dead on the bed with the dog not leaving his side. He phoned into work that morning at about 7:00 saying he would not be in. That was his 10th day in a row not at work but I did not learn that until the cops arrived and they looked at the e-mails with a different excuse every day for why he would not be into work that day. I had NO IDEA - he called me a lot that week (and that worried me too because I could hear him not sounding right) but he always called "afer work hours" - as if he were at work . . .and he even lied about driving home Friday and how it wasn't until that drive home at the end of the week that he realized how much he "hated his job".

Just so sad looking back at the days from June 15th (the beginning of the end) up until the date of his death June 29th. Just so sad. . .I will never understand - it all seems so unnecessary - the non-alcoholic man was just awesome. His own self (demons) turned on him. . .huge heartbreaker.

He did achieve sobriety for 2 1/2 years - He literally just celebrated his one year anniversary on the new job. The day after the anniversary date he never went back to work again - just stayed home and I guess drank and drank. . .ugh - gawd - :-( Bless his soul - we all loved him very very much - none of that mattered though. . ..

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