Unfortunately while all of us wives wish and pray for this on a constant basis the reality of living with a alcoholic is just the opposite of stable and quiet. I would also guess that all of our AH have some sort of difficulty coping with stress &/or change of any kind which is the reason they turn to the easiest fix and drink till they are numb. Then the kicker is that when they are numb they are totally blind to anything they do or say , the havoc they cause or even the reasons they got there (intoxicated) in the first place.
When and if you can ever get them to recognize their pattern of destruction most will say they really don't want to drink...they want to stop...and most will mean it from the bottom of their heart but because they never tackle the real issues (as you pointed out in your AH) it becomes a vicious cycle.
This leaves us to determine, each in our own individual ways, how to best deal with having a AH in our life. Some leave, some can't, some argue, some shut up etc.
If this is your vacation and he is dumping his stress on to you don't own it. Leave the house for a while and do something for yourself that brings you joy and happiness ...puts you in a good space and makes you better able to deal. My sister alwyas tells me "Don't let him steal your sunshine" Misery loves company but you don't have to be that company. Don't answer the phone everytime. Run an errand just before he gets home to allow him time to himself to wind down (or what ever) then buy yourself some flowers put them in a vase and everytime it starts go to your happy place. You can be supportive, lord knows they all lack self esteem but don't own his misery.

Soulmate - Thank you! Don't let him steal your sunshine is a perfect motto for this week - esp because it's record high heat and the sun is out! Thank you...I knew it but needed to hear it again...from someone who knows.

Believe me, 25 years of marriage, 12-13 years of living with a AH sometimes those are the only words that get me through the day! That and prayer.....I talk with God alot! Feel free to type it up and put it on your fridge, carry it in your purse whereever, whenever you need a pick me up.....we all have those days. :)

Notmyself: You are so wrong about one thing: my husband has the most stressful job on earth. If you have a minute (or 20, or a day, or a weekend) he'll explain it to you over and over. It's not because he loves drama--it's because no one appreciates his hard work. :-(

Do they learn this stuff in a class or something? Like, today, you are going to learn to change your oil and turn yourself into a victim. Tomorrow--how to always be the party pooper and make sure wifey doesn't actually decompress.

Because no one has laser insight like a woman with a clear head. I swear they do things to keep us off-balance on purpose.

Yesterday, my husband decided to up and take the kids to gramdma's (fine, except he hates her and didn't tell me he was taking them, so he totally hijacked my day. Grr.) So rather than getting angry, and doing angry housework, I left home and went to the beach. When he got home he called me over and over. But since my cell phone was in the trunk of my car, I couldn't answer him because I was basking. Poor guy. Had to give the kids lunch and put them down for naps all by his lonesome (they turn into pointy-headed little demons without sleep, so there's no way he could avoid it). His wife is such a shrew.

We can tiptoe around that silliness all day, they make up new issues just to keep it going. So tiresome.

I hope you can find some peace and quiet. Or that you misplace your phone. Or that you suddenly realize you're out of milk, and the only place that is open is like an hour away with the radio on. Or that were was this terrible traffic jam leaving the mall so you had to go back inside and have some of those chocolate-dipped strawberries at Godiva... you know they make those fresh, right?

Good luck, and enjoy your break from work.

No, no, noooooo! My husband has the most stressful job of all! His job is so stressful that there is no way he can possibly commit to any other activities outside of work, or make any weekend plans. He needs to keep his options open so he can relax. The other day when he was rolling through this act, I said, you know compared to most people you have a pretty stress free life. We don't have kids, there are no financial problems and I make most of the money. Oh, but his job is stressful for him and he needs to unwind. What a load of BS!

LOL!!! Ladies - thank you so much!! I am cracking up! It's so true! They must teach boys this act during sports practice or something.

Used2Sing - we don't have kids either so are in the same boat - pretty damn stressfree!!

slicita - Great advice! I do have to lose the phone and those strawberries are now calling my name! Sorry your husband's wife is such a shrew :) LOL - I kinda like her!

My husband is back on the wagon from his "slip" do to all of his stress and is seeing a kickass addiction therapist. I wish I could clone this therapist and send him to everyone. He flat out told my husband to stop being a p**sy and man-up. That he doesn't have anymore stress then anyone else so stop using alcohol as an excuse. The amazing thing is that so far my husband is listening to him! Tough love works for my AH!

LMAO --- you ladies are freakin awesome! When we can find any kind of humor AND get a laugh out of the manure that is being fed to us everyday is a damn fine thing! (Sometimes I think I am the bug and he is the windshield.)

Oh, the days of arguments about who works harder, has more stress, actually I would be quite happy to be having that argument --- if he ever friggin goes back to work. That is a whole other drama in itself, trying to figure out what he will do when his insurance money runs out, he can't go back to his old job, can't do his old job anymore and what the heck I am going to do with him here 24/7 for the rest of my life. I work from home on the computer. Even when not working I still can't get him to do anything if it doesn't involve some want/need/activity that HE wants to do.

I have to laugh, hoping4, I basically told my AH the same thing the therapist told yours --- quit being a p**sy and be a freakin man. We all live with stress, pain, worry, disappointment, self-sacrifice, so what the hell is your problem? That's life baby, get used to it. Just one day in their life I wish they could be a woman and have to "deal" with the things that we do everyday and the roles we play: Employee, employer, mother, teacher, daughter, friend, guidance counselor, therapist, doctor, sex kitten, maid, prom queen, cheerleader, CEO and CFO.

Don't steal my sunshine and definitely don't steal my thunder! LOL.

Damn, and here I thought that my AH had the most stressful job. ever. Ya'll are cracking me up on this one ladies. hoping, my AH first therapist also told him to stop being such a p*ssy. I wonder if that's a common thing with AH's?

Sooo, we met with our marriage counselor for the first time yesterday. I really liked her. A lot. It's going to be interesting to see where all of this leads. I found out that she has extensive training in working with families with addiction issues AND that she takes no prisoners! No wonder my psychologist recommended her.

I like these therapists that are telling the men to "man up"!

NC, I'd like to make a suggestion. At some point, your AH will likely decide you've done enough marriage counseling and you two don't need it anymore. It will be when you've talked about the surface stuff and the tension level has subsided a bit. The next step will be the hard stuff... the real stuff. It's going to scare the shi* out of him that he might have to be responsible for his issues. His reaction will be fear and fight or flight will come into play. You will hear every excuse in the book and everything he can think of he will use to convince you it is no longer needed. My suggestion is this: when you reach the point that he's trying to dodge making another appointment, make the appointment! Do no let him talk you into "taking a break" or calling to make an appointment later. Make the appointment while you're in the office. Tell him you will show up, you will be there. Make him be the one to not show up. Make him be accountable and make someone else other than you a witness to it.

My husband pulled this with me. I did not push at the time. Now he refuses to go back to counseling with me. I wish I had been a hard a** about it then and dared him not to show up.

You know, my suggestion at counseling has been shot down every time I even mentioned it. I wonder what they are so afraid of? Looking like a butthead? Being forced to admit they are wrong about something? That there is a problem? Opening up in front of a stranger? I don't understand why they can't see that someone on the outside looking in might have a better view of the bigger picture. Maybe its the fact that they might have to be honest, I just don't know.

Notmyself, sorry your vacation has been screwed with. That just sucks. Mine is coming up in a few days and I'm really looking forward to just decompressing myself. Not fair when others try to suck you into the misery with them.

Funny, isn't it...I like Slicita's husband's shrewish wife, too.

Hey, thanks Mezz. Glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor... we are resilient creatures, aren't we?

On the couseling--my husband started it now won't go back. I think he realizes he's using AA to screw with me and it would be pretty obvious to a third party. My AH's sister is a psychologist (and evil to the core. I'm often tempted to ask her if she's ever tasted human liver with fava beans and a nice chianti) and she would be furious at patients who lie to her. I bet that was some fun counseling session.

I digress. It's important that we go though, since I want the counselor to help set up a parenting plan. He'll come out of it looking like a nutcase and it scares him. Too bad.

ROFLMAO

Oh my god, ya'll! That is what mine says! Apparantly he is the only man in the world who has to work to support a family! And because he does that (not so well sometimes) he is entilted to do whatever the hell he wants when he's not working.