Divorce him... In your heart do you REALLY think he's ever going to change? Most don't. I had to divorce my ex for myself and more importantly for our 2 yr old son. And if he ever stops, the chances of him being the guy that you married are slim. I do not want to sound like Debbie Downer, but I wish I had someone tell me, before I "tried" to "fix" him for 10 years...

I have never been happier in my life.... I still need to deal with him because of our son, but the pressure that was lifted out of my life cannot be measured. Remember; you didnt sign up for this kind of life. You deserve better... I hope you get it...

I agree with Dannimom...you did not sign up for this. You are probably the most protected now to divorce him compared to when he is out. Other people will always have opinions because they don't know all that you go through living with and dealing with him. If he has been violent before, don't take a chance, do it now while he is away.

Forgive me for not agreeing, but if you really wanted to divorce him right now, you would not be asking this question, you would already be filing papers. My thoughts:

There is no pressure to make this decision today. You can make this decision tomorrow, next week, next month, in three months. You will know when the time is right. You will know because you will have complete peace about it and then you will just do it. Only you know what is right and when and why.

Your life is unlike anyone else's life, your situation, although similar to others, is unique. Pray about it and when you feel peace about either divorcing or not, you will have your answer. We are here to support you regardless of your choice. Good luck.

Or don't pray. I wouldn't.

One problem with life changing decisions is that books and articles make you think there's a right decision when sometimes there's only a decision that stinks somewhat less than the other. And since you have not made decision X yet, you don't, really, know how it will come out.

Divorce is a huge change, and any other big decision in your life (buying a house, going to school) we like to do when we are at our emotional BEST. Divorce is a decision we tend to make when we are at our worst: most exhausted, most stressed, most frightened. You may never feel at peace, either about divorcing or about staying, because both situations TOTALLY stink, and you quite rightly feel you deserve better than either.

We are also raised to think that marriage is til death do us part, and there is still a stigma on a woman that "gives up." So women in terrible positions often look for societal permission to leave. It's there in your post "...I still remain the bad guy." You will always remain the bad guy because it is easier to blame the woman than to really expect the man to take responsibility. Screw that. He is not behaving like a husband.

If you don't divorce, you are accepting his abuse, and THAT IS OK, morally, if that is more tolerable to you than the fear of new things and of being the "bad guy" for leaving. That is OK for you. Is it the best for your family? (Your post said checking on how "we" are doing, so I am thinking there are other people involved.)

Take it from someone who has been there: if you fear for your life if you leave him, he will also try to hurt you if you stay. That is only a matter of time.

If you do divorce, you are telling the world that you saw through your husband's BS and that your tolerance for it is over. It can be a very scary thing to be an empowered woman, and it can be very scary to admit, publicly, through your divorce, that you know your alcoholic will not change.

Think about Dannimom's post: "I have never been happier in my life."

As I was reading your post before reading the others my initial thought was.....no need to make the decision until you know.

You know that I ended my marriage. When I finally made that choice, I knew that there really was no longer any option. You are not yet there.

The end of the marriage was by far the worst thing I ever went through. I almost went back simply because the pain was too much initially to bare and watching the pain in my girls every day was just too much. What kept me going? Firm knowledge that I just could not stay in the marriage any longer and hope that my life would indeed get better.

You will know. I went through years of should I? Just give it one more year.....until finally I realised that really for me there was no alternative but to end the marriage.

I will also support you no matter what you choose to do or what you go through.

((((HUGS))))

I am like a lot of other women on this board. Each of us have to take our own path. Like Karen, divorce was the most painful experience in my life. Be prepared for the emotions because they will be strong. Don't stay in your marriage because of anyone's feelings but your own. Even kids. Not because your kids aren't important, but staying for the sake of kids backfires. I wanted to say f**k his dad when I read what you wrote. He's not married to him, you are. And I do recommend divorce for any woman that is scared she will be hurt. That is just plain wrong. That isn't a marriage.

Sober...use whatever time you need. Do a lot of soul searching. Do you love him? If not, get out. If you do, you may still need to get out. Life truly is too short not to be happy.

I struggled for many years about staying married or divorcing. And because of that, I couldn't see what I was doing to the relationship. I refused to be happy because I wasn't happy with what he was doing. It took him leaving me for me to realize what I could have changed about myself. Now, I am mostly happy and content in life. It killed me when my ex left me. But 14 months later, I realize it was the best thing for both of us. We were destroying each other. Now, he still struggles but he realizes he has issues that he needs to fix. Will he? I don't know. But I do believe that if we hadn't split, he never would have changed. Now, maybe he will. And I dealt with my issues. Was a hugh eye opener for me. Now, if this makes sense at all, I can actually be around my ex when he is totally sh*t faced as a support, then walk away no problem. Before, I literally couldn't stand him that way. Now, its ok because he isn't my problem any more and I don't have to live with it. He gets on my nerves, I just stay away. That freedom from the marriage is priceless.

Good luck. I know this is hard.

You will know when the time is Right, Like Karen I too knew I had to divorce when there just wasnt any other option.

The main thing in your post that struck me was how you said you don't think you will ever trust him. I realized after filing for divorce from my Husband that I hadn't trusted him for years, But I just kept trying to stick it out, Thinking I could Fix it and that he might actually participate in that process too, I came to realize that I was the only one working on the relationship, I was promised over and over that things would change but they never did, I would get through by trying to convince myself that he actually cared about me and trying to convince myself that I could actually Trust him ever again.

I have learned through going to Therapy that I Had this mental picture in my head of my husband that just wasn't real, I would say deep down he is a real good person I know it (Unfortunately that was not the man I lived with) It took me so long to realize that I invested all my time into taking care of this man and trying to help him and he never once took care of me, In fact I was falling apart at the seams while he stood there with another drink in his hand..

Mezzorella your comment is so perfect "It can be a very scary thing to be an empowered woman" Even in this day and age you would be suprised how many women I have talked to that still think it's my job to FIX the problem and keep the family together, It can be very discouraging when other people try to Minimise the damage you feel. I have nightmares about the physical and mental abuse I have suffered from being married to him and he urinated on me so many times in our bed from being blacked out drunk that I get anxiety just walking into my bedroom sometimes, I can't wait until the divorce is over so I can move from this House of Horrors and start over..

Trust for me is something that is hard to get back once it's lost, You will come to your decision on your own terms in your own time. When I came to the conclusion finally that I couldn't change him I realized that I had to change myself and it's the best thing I ever did..

Take it day by day and stay positive and remember the most important thing Love yourself and know that you matter :)

Hugs

I can't tell you what the right decision is for you. If you remember, I am the one that had a loaded gun held to my head last month by my husband of 10 years. He bruised me up some and tried to choke me to death but I got away and had him arrested. He is still in jail. I filed for divorce a week after all this happened. Ten years I watched him drink my life and his away. People tell me that I sound and look like I dropped 20 years of age from my body when I finally left him. I love this man more than anything (obviously more than I loved myself for a while) but I refuse to go back. His problem is bigger than the both of us and its a relief to know that now it is HIS problem and HIS alone. He will either make it or drink himself to death but he can't blame me for not being "there" for him anymore. He told his mom he still loves me, had hoped that we could reconsile when all this is over and that HE IS NOT MAD AT ME FOR HAVING HIM ARRESTED. Gee, thanks. Guess I shouldn't be mad that you almost killed me right?

Sometimes it takes the heart longer to know what the head already does. I know he will probably go back to drinking if they don't make him do some hard time or inpatient treatment. I have asked that the make him go inpatient but who knows. I do know that I miss him alot, still have feelings for him, but will not, WILL NOT, live my life like I have been and I will not take him back.

I seem to be mostly consumed with sadness these days that something that could have been wonderful, felt wonderful in the beginning, turned out ot be such a huge disappointment that ended so horribly. I wonder if I will ever be able to trust another human being again. I certainly don't feel like it right now.

Book

Life is often like a riptide. The best way to survive is to give up struggling and just go with it. Eventually, the turbulence stops and you can swim to shore safely. You may not emerge exactly where you want, but you are alive and able to return to your original spot, or move on to another place if you choose.

People who die in riptides are those who struggle against it, believing they have some control against the power of the ocean. Acceptance brings serenity and serenity brings clarity of thought. Clarity of thought reveals choices and choices bring freedom.

My friend keeps telling me to tell myself : It is what it is. Just LET IT GO. I must say this a thousand times a day. I think it might actually be working. :-)

Dear Book, your post sounds like you read my mind :-). I filed for divorce and informed him on Monday that he can expect the papers. I do love him, but like you I refuse to go back to that life. I refuse to take the chance of it going pear shaped again. I am done gambling with my own life and with my daughter's. The stakes are just too high. It is what it is and I am working very hard to accept it and move on. For now, some serious crying is on the agneda and once that's done - freedom. Thanks for everyones support.
“I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.”
Unknown

I don't miss him either, I miss the man I thought he was, the person I was when things were good, and the things that could have been.

Wishing you both strength and patience.

It's hard, but you can do it!

My question to you - is this the life you dreamed about? Is this the life you want, forever? If not, then RUN, run as quickly as you can to cut the lines between you and move on to a new life. You are safe, now, while he is away. RUN, don't walk, to the nearest divorce attorney! Who cares what his stupid father thinks? Yes, marriage should be forever, but this drinking person is NOT the person you should be with. They are alcohol, living, breathing alcohol. He's gotten violent in the past? RUN!