Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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Am I heartless?

invisibleme
invisibleme

This sounds so awful, but I sometimes wish my AH would die. He is not in any way even trying to get help. He is in complete denial about how much pain he has caused me and our children. Two of my children are in therapy. They are young adults and they sought out therapy on their own, long before I tried it. As long as the AH is still in our daily lives I feel like we can't move on. And that's where the wishing he would just die comes in. I want to be able to move on. Unlike some of us, I don't have a wealth of wonderful memories, from the early days. He was lying and chasing women back then. I was just too damaged to see that I deserved better. I want my kids to feel that they deserve better than what I received. I am working on getting myself out of this marriage. But it is just such a slow process.

Newlife4me
Newlife4me
It's a slow process, but so very worth it. Hang in there - each day you're a little closer to freedom, rebuilding your life, and rediscovering yourself.
DSTRICK
DSTRICK
The 1st time I made the comment that I wished my AH would die, I felt horrible and I immediately asked God for forgiveness. Months later I found a site and started to read all the blogs. Their were so many over women out there feeling the same way that I felt. It was like I was reading my own post over n over. It's so sad but it's true!
bluesprite72
bluesprite72
Living with this monster makes us get to a very heartless place, which can be hard if all you want for most people in your life is for them to be happy and healthy. I remember wishing that for years. Or that he would find someone else to love and cheat on me. Now, I am at the point where I cannot care less to what happens to him, I have zero love, respect or trust for this man. I've been with my AH for 19 years, married 17 and the whole thing has been a battle. I didn't have the great memories either, except for a time before we got married and had kids. Now, it is like we are in a holding pattern, waiting for something to happen that will totally end everything.
DollyDagger
DollyDagger
I'm in the same place right now. It's hard to love them and at a certain point I just have up. I'm just functioning, just like he functions. Except I don't drink. I've been married 23 years and they've been an uphill battle.
Kjmest99
Kjmest99
AH has been on Xanax for years for his anxiety. For a while he was drinking red bull vodkas while on the Xanax. I had to tell him that it was a dangerous combo. At times I would think how much easier it would be if he did have a heart attack or die in his sleep from the Xanax/red bull vodka mix.
He did stop mixing them but recently started drinking the red bulls again. Most days I feel like just giving up.
invisibleme
invisibleme
Thank you, all. Deep down, I don't want anyone to die, actually. I want everyone to have a second chance. But I also don't want to continue living this way. For a few years, I wished that I would die. I want the pain to be over so badly.

Last night I told my AH that I want him to move out. It was a very long discussion, and he kept trying to negotiate with me into letting him stay. He thinks that we can somehow co-exist this way. I told him that I couldn't. I need to move on with my life, and I need to provide a loving household for my kids. My kids have been really hurting, too. I cannot waste my energy on an addict who doesn't want to quit. So, now, how to get him out?
DSTRICK
DSTRICK
Is there away to get them out? I try hinting we need a break to getting completely aggravated and demanding him to leave. But he never does! The most i've gotten was Alright we're done ( he passes out then a new day starts) Hello Honey i'm home the following day... Makes me wanna scream when I hear those words! I used to pace the floors waiting on him to come home now i'm over joyed when he's not home. Just about the only time to have peace.
Jennyh
Jennyh
You have described exactly the same as me! In my area in legal terms I can show proof of how uncomfortable he is being and put it to court for him to be thrown out! Only thing is he has nowhere to go and no job. Can I be that heartless? The past week has been less nastiness with words but as you know it's like a roller coaster
Community Leaderbobinmaine
bobinmaine
Alcoholism has been called a family disease because every member is affected in a negative way, by the actions of the alcoholic who places more importance on the bottle then he does his own family. Glad to see the kids are getting help. alanon and alateen are other excellent sources.

God Bless
CeeCee4
CeeCee4
Totally have felt that way too your not alone it just is proof on the damage and hurt we go through
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