Hi, missingt. I am right there with you. It takes lots of time to get through this. People just don't get it .......their life has gone on and ours hasn't. Its different for everyone, so don't be upset ladies & gents maybe it won't last that long for you.
Hugs to all,
JoAnn

At two years my grief is easier to handle, I don't cry very often anymore. But this re-building your life is much harder than I expected. I guess I shouldn't be surprised as we are trying to re-build our lives while also dealing with our grief, lost dreams, etc. Those of you newer on this journey are still dealing with the raw grief which does get much better so don't despair from what we write. Keep in mind that many who aren't feeling what I feel have probably stopped coming to this site as they are doing so well. It's different for everyone, so don't give up. For me I have been dealing with emotions for someone I like, along with starting to get bored with retirement along with the grief. To many emotions at once.

Take care;

Russ

Hang out with other widows

My god, I'm not even at 1 month, yet.

I am very scared to hear that year 2 is not much better. I am only at 3 months, but I am so busy raising my 3 girls. I keep thinking my last one won't go off to college for 7 years, so I should be okay by then.

Everybody has a different experience. For me the second year was much better than the first. I still had bad days, don't get me wrong. I still have bad days and I am in year four. But I had a concrete realization that I was never getting my husband or my old life back. I stopped reaching for the past and started reaching for the future. I was no longer in denial. I started pushing my boundaries in every direction. I found a new job, started taking care of my mother with dementia (as my father died at the end of my first year) and started building new relationships with different people. Loss in a sense made me fearless. Whenever I hesitated, I said to myself, what is the worse that can happen, the worse has already happened.

When I let go of my past future (the one I had envisioned and planned with my husband) and embraced trying to make my present more bearable with new friends and new experiences, my life became infinitely more bearable. In the end, while it was a tough year, it was a year of growth and at the end of it, I felt like had accomplished moving forward in my life. Not as much as I wanted to but enough to be satisfied with.

Hugs,
Val

PS: I also learned to ask for help even if people didn't want to hear my problems. I realized I needed it and they had the resource to do it. They really didn't complain that much, and if they did, I said "Tough shit, I am a 45 year old widow, wanna trade places? " They didn't.

I hope today is much better Debby. I think what your experiencing is very common. The first year people are rallying around and even though you lost the most important person in your life, you still feel connected and relevant. Then one by one they slip away, back to their busy lives and you have to more fully confront yours. And yes, friendships of couples that you lose because you're single now. I was to blame for some of that, not wanting to be a fifth wheel and have that social discomfort but also believe couples just gravitate toward couples, a companion for each for whatever the activity is. Finding new friends is tough, after decades of a set social circle, it is tough and disheartening. We're here to listen to rants anytime and spring please come sooner.

I could have written your post, and I understand completely. It's been 18 months for me, and while I don't have that intensely horrible grief as in the first year, there is a sadness now that is hard to deal with. It's overwhelming sometimes taking care of everything and making decisions. I think most people would say I'm doing "well" but I hide the sadness. People expect me to be ok after a year and a half, and my married friends can't possibly understand the pain and loneliness. I'm trying to be grateful for what I have- great "kids", friends and family. Some days are rough. Wishing all of us more peaceful days ahead-Lori.

I guess I'm saying "ditto" to what luvron59 said: I'm also at 18 months, and although I don't have the total breakdowns that I had in the first several months, I do have that overwhelming sadness, that incredible loneliness.

Debby, I do a lot of pretending, too. It's more like putting on a mask when I have to go shopping, etc. I can handle it, but I'm glad to get back home and take the mask off again and just be myself.

I'm not sure if this is the same thing that you are feeling, but please know we all understand the full range of emotions that come along with grief.

The last sentence of your post has always been my mantra . . . tomorrow will be better!

Hi Debby,
You've lost the person who cared about you most in the whole world. And then you find out how little the others care; who doesn't have a hard time with that? Sitting with friends realizing they want me to seem happy, so they're not upset, makes me withdraw further.
It's frightfully difficult.
I'm at twenty months, I get what you're saying. Stay strong, God left us behind for a reason. Tomorrow will be better.

As you move through the years they are perceived as worse for some and better for others.

On the better side, we don't cry as much, we do more of our daily tasks, we begin to see the outside world as something we want and other things. We even consider our future, perhaps alone, or with another. This is moving through the loss of everything we held dear or comfortable.

On the down side, we know that this is not a dream to wake up from. It's not the life we chose, but the life we now have. It's frightening to anticipate the future. Heck, I didn't have a clue what I would do for the rest of my life. I had realized that reality was only I could make the choice, but none seemed right. Year two was one of the "now what's" My life had moved from coping in year one to deciding in year two.

I must say it isn't magically in 12 month time lining, but can take different time periods for us all.

Moving to years 3+ again things change, but stay the same. Our spouse is gone. We float in search of a purpose or find or discard what we thought we wanted. It's life. Not the same life, but one we have to decide what to do with for us.

When the time is right you will find the right path for you. Sharon

The only thing that bothered me going into the second year, was seeing all the couples on Easter Sunday. I am going into year three, and it doesn't bother me anymore even though people think I must be lonely. They don't know thing one about me though, so I find it rather presumptuous of them, but hey, they come and pray for me and make it a point to ask me how I am so that's nice. Not really interested in forming relationships outside my family just yet. I keep in touch with my children. One I check in with every day. Right now my sons know my car is on its last legs, so I'm making it a big deal asking for their input. They don't mind giving me their opinion so that's nice too. They also know more people than I do which helps.

My second year was better than my first year. I also received far more support from friends I made after Cliff died - people who never knew me as "Cliff's wife" than from those who knew me and us before he died. Plus, there were "heroes" who stepped up when others fell away and that helped, too. There were a lot of surprises as far as who was there for me and who wasn't.

I am sorry you had a bad day -- being stuck in a snow bank is no fun -- went through those awful snow days in New England when I lived there.

Have you tried checking for meet-up groups in your area? Go to meetup.com and search in your area, that's one way to meet people and make friends. Another is to do some volunteering -- having a common goal is a good ice-breaker for conversation, too. Or you could try taking a class in something -- a lot of the adult education programs have interesting stuff these days, and the ones run by the local districts are usually inexpensive. If there is a chapter ofthe Women's Institute in your area, consier joining it. I have joined my local one now that I live in England, and it's helping me make friends. Just a thought....

I hope today is a better day for you.

My experiences were much like Val's, and I agree with Sharon, too. It takes different amounts of time for different people, and as Russ said, the ones that have moved forward and are happy or at least at peace with their loss may have already moved off this site, so don't jump to any conclusions about how long you may need.

Happiness is as inevitable as sorrow. Don't give up.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

For me it has been 14 months, some days are ok and some days aren't.
I think the weather plays a big part of my down moods. I am feeling and going through the same things as you, the stuff around the house, and the loneliness. Some days I wish I could stay in bed and hide but that is not in my nature. It helps me to read all the commits and see I am not going crazy and everyone has there on struggles and how they deal with them. Raining today Yuk

Mine has been 2 years also. It is hard and others who haven't experienced this do not understand. It is hard. Keep ranting on here. It is what we are here for.