I am so sorry for your loss. I am almost into my fourth year and I am seeing more light. Starting to see myself more or the new me.You learn how to cope and there is no right or wrong time for grieving as well as these feelings ..they say the first year is widows fog as years later however long it takes you can barely remember the first year or ..how ever long it takes..we are all widowed here and this is a great place to be (((Hugs)))

The easiest way to explain it, I sometimes think, is that the first year everything is looked at and experienced through the filter of grief. Grief is effectively in the "command seat" for much of the first year. As you go through all the "firsts" - first Christmas without them, first birthday without them, etc. - it is very hard. It's when the finality of it starts to hammer away at you.

But there is an odd thing that happens the farther along you get from the death date - you start to look back and realize that you have been strong enough to make it this far and that means you can make it farther still.

I had some very very dark times the first year. My doctor wanted to prescribe sleeping pills, for example, but I didn't feel I could trust myself with them. I missed my man so much I was afraid I would crack and suicide. So I said 'no thank you.' And every dark time that popped up, I would tell myself, "Not today." You get through enough of those 'not today's' and you wind up finding out that there is still beauty and wonder and laughter in the world, and that if you had given up that you would have missed so very much. At least, that's the way it's been for me.

It's not easy. Loving intensely means grieving intensely, too. That's why it takes a lot of different pieces to put your personal puzzle back together. I had counseling, I read books about grief. I kept two journals - one here electronically and one paper one that I carried around with me (very handy on bad days at work - I'd journal on my lunch hour). I started taking care of my health - drank extra water to make up for the ocean of tears, took a multivitamin with minerals every day to make up for either not eating or making bad food choices (comfort food anybody?), and I started walking on my coffee breaks. I found even a 10-minute walk around the block would help de-stress me and I slept better at night, too. I revisited old hobbies. I couldn't listen to any music we shared - which was a ton of stuff! - so I'd listen to the real old school stuff from before we met. I gave myself permission to laugh whenever I could - dumb comedies, etc. I also gave myself permission to cry when I needed to.

You can get through this, and build a new version of your life. Parts of your old life will remain with you forever. You never forget them, but the pain changes, and eventually you can remember them with a smile instead of a tear every time. Don't give up. It truly is worth it to keep going.

I hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I’m new to this group and hope to try and make sense of all this “new normal”. My husband passed 11/11/19 almost two months ago. He was diagnosed with Lung cancer 2017 and had his lower lobe removed. Within a year and a half his cancer had spread. Chemo was started until it was no longer working and that was on 9/11/19. He passed away two months to the day at home. We were married 21years and together 25. I’m so lost without him. I’ve joined a support group with meeting once a week and I’m hoping this will help in some way. I tried one before but they were in the middle of there sessions. The struggle I’m having is the reality of never seeing him or touching him again. It just comes over me throughout the day and then I just cry all over again. Hoping time will help....I can’t go back and I can’t stay where I am so the only choice I have is to move forward. I just hope I can.

Almost two years and there is still a big hole, but life moves forward whether you want it to or not. The pain will lessen to the point it is not so raw and you will be able to enjoy things. It’s not like it was, but there are still some days of joy. I have two sons and at least for me that helps a lot. Hang in there, it’s still really early.

Hello,

Nothing is the greater injury than that of a passing loved one. I am so sorry for your pain.

You are not yet nor will you be completely prepared to cope with the changeability of this experience. Life alone, in the thought of living it while alone, without the usual on-hand comfort of a mate, is a soul-destroying conception, so never is any person ready for those very (deep in thought) moments of unperceivable pain. And, unfortunately, there will be many challenges impending to this new way of living; however, even though you are vulnerable, you are really not left defenseless.

Keep in mind that the protection of the dark times is in the foundation of a loving marriage, of which history you and your wife have built many years of kindness, and you will survive by remembering very sympathetic family and personal traditions as lifting-points to depressive spells of sadness. Still in movement, even in time of death, the heavens are open for connection with your beloved whenever time there is a quick need for love and guidance, and this is especially a relief for the sake of mental and emotional periods of respite to the heart, a rest necessary for both of you to take advantage of.

The meaning of life is not at a loss when death happens; joy and hope are two things that matter the most. Still, you matter. And each of you is and very much will always be soul-mates, and a part of this delicate type transition as a couple. In short, what I mean to tell is that the pain, of the senses of separation, is with you and your beloved through shared circumstances, and death will not ever be able to separate love and memories of tenderness, even in times where you feel at the lowest point of your day, then your wife will always be there to guide and comfort you.

As I've been widowed for several years now myself, I notice many wonderful manifestations of my own husband's gentle spirit are here with me, yet in a spiritual frame of thoughts and events, and I need only to believe in him for good thoughts to happen, as he is always my strongest defense to attacks of heartache and moments of deep grief. I use my heavy faith in a Higher Power to guide me, to better my feelings or improve my attitude with dealing with death. It helps that I pray for God to supply me with plenty of His own approved and divine moments of contacts from my beloved, as I believe that my husband's spirit lives and dwells with God in heaven; this is forged belief, and my words show courage in godly faith. I believe that it is God Who determines how our time is best spent together, and so it is with God that of which is in the best spiritual interest of each of us during these times. And some moments are not clearly detected as a heaven-sent moment at first, nor do all develop as expected, however, I can distinguish between the genuine and the counterfeit occurrences through constant earnest prayer to discern what's genuine and not wicked sent. What is for certain is that the attraction with my husband is pleasing for each of us when he is nearest to me in spirit - and this time is better than life itself is for me now. I value the days ahead and that of which is to come, it is our spirit-filled connections that keep me moving forward in a powerfully productive and positive and intuitive light of love, care, and a healing understanding is what I experience. Trust your love and instincts. Love still calls; you don't have to say goodbye, and the happy ending is still yet to come.

This is much to tell of my beliefs, but it is best expressed as far as I can relate my thoughts and feelings at this moment of time. The good news is: Although deceased, my husband and I continue to share in an open and honest relationship. Consequently, during low-quality moments, I turn the times to recall how he gifted my life with his strength, by his unconditional care and his deep understanding of our love, this way, he presents comfort for me, and as this is a familiar part of our love, such warmth and gentleness are impressionable to my mind and heart. On the other hand, in the rare moments that those heart-wrenching times appear to get to my nerves, it is then that I am reflecting way too much on my sadder thoughts than the happier ones, at which a condition that brings on bouts of aggressive fear and deep emotional insecurities disturb my peace, of which times if I fail to attempt an escape, then what is not inspirational will cause me to linger in doubtful grief. I pray to be delivered from spells of sadness.

I realize that I write words and ideas of such strange features of a different type of grief language, unusual ideas of coping with grief here. And not all have been blessed with the vision I have at beholding and understanding the marvelous works that I have with my own experience of death, yet my point is clearly that I truly believe in the nature of eternal love, and there is plenty of hope in what I tell of my beliefs. No matter what another's way may be of getting by or the patterns useful to find acceptance and joy during sad moments, we must each pray earnestly to be influenced by whatever the power of our own faith in ourselves will be done; generally, the matter with coping is always a personal matter.

Be blessed. I hope the best for you and with others, as we all share in this new way of life.

Remiah: Your writing is beautiful and resonated with me. I looked for ways to connect with my husband spiritually after his death. I prayed for strength and read devotions each morning. For the first year I read from a book each morning Healing after Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman before I even got out of bed. These things kept be centered and focused so that when the waves of pain overcame me I just stood in them until it passed. I couldn’t cry for the first 30 days. After that I cried all the way to and from work most days. You need to release the emotion. I kept so busy so that I would not be alone for very long. After some time I realized I needed to be alone to face the fear and pain. I slowed down and with time I arrived at a place of less pain and peace. Always missing my husband but able to enjoy my life and know that I’ll be ok. I do feel my husband with me in spirit, I’ve done a lot of reading on death and the afterlife. I know that God is guiding me through all of this. Some days are easier than others but moving ahead is our only choice. Moment by moment, day by day. Time passes and you look back and realize you are doing it. God bless all of you who are just beginning this journey. I will pray for you and wish you peace. Marybeth

Hello Msbklyn :-)

Thanks to you for your own beautiful words! God bless you, Marybeth. Good day and many loving hugs.

Grimmer, I have hesitated to respond to your posting because it has been several years since I lost my husband. You mentioned that you cannot imagine feeling the way that you do today for years to come? Truth is, you are in the very early stages of grief. Your emotions are so raw right now and the pain and hurt so deep. Believe me, those of us on this site understand. However, as time goes on, although you will have times that are still very painful, the pain will lessen and become more bearable. I couldn't imagine living without my John, and I couldn't imagine finding any kind of relief from the pain that existed inside of me. For me, I found that attending a weekly grief group for widows and widowers plus seeing a grief therapist helped tremendously. Also, as time goes on, you will find new ways to handle your emotional pain. Although family and friends want to help (and also want you to "get over" your grief), unless you have experienced the loss of a spouse, there is little understanding of the grief process. There is no timeline as to when you begin to find some joy in life after loss. I do know this - I never thought that I could make it another day without my John (and also all the siblings and other family that I have lost since him), but here I am. We all know how hard it is for you, and our hearts go out to you. It truly is "one day at at a time," and eventually you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep coming here as you will find the understanding and support that you really need. Take care. Roxanne

"Continue to endure" ...

On the 23rd will mark 7 years since my husband passed. 2 months in I was very much fighting to go on ... My kids , they were the reason I stayed on this Earth.
It was at about the 6 month mark that I made a conscious choice to help myself.
Every morning I would get out of bed , look outside and say out loud
"My glass is half full, it's up to me to make it fuller"
I did not believe it but I kept saying it. I would also force doing something and little by little I started believing in my mantra.

I have always been more of a giver so I found that by giving of myself, I felt a bit better. The first Christmas, rather than to stay at home feeling sorry for myself, I volunteered to help prep the meal at a woman's shelter. My daughter came along. These were strangers who did not know us or our story so we did not have to be pitied and we did not have to pretend for family. 5 hours flew by and being busy kept the pain at bay...

I found things to do that would take me out of my comfort zone..

At 50 , 2 years after his passing , I was a full time student to become an EA and be financially independent ... It was something that had been put on a back burner for 30 years... At 53 I was hired full time and paired with a young student... Within a week , I had found my new purpose and finally stopped coasting through life after losing my husband and began living with joy and purpose again.

I still get sad at times but the raw pain is no longer part of my journey. It is more bittersweet moments.. Recently my son was married so of course we missed his father, how could we not. The pain will fade, the memories will become happier ones...

My husband passed unexpectedly 9/9/19. I cried for 3 months; the best take away I heard from a grief retreat was that God "receives", He doesn't "take". We all will be called home someday. Each day I wake up, I think this is my life and I need to make the best of it because life doesn't stop. I live for my son, my family while hoping I discover God's new path for me.

Grimmer, please hang in there. As suffocating as your grief is right now, it will get better. I too was wondering why I should go on and the only reason I bothered to get out of bed was because my 6 month old puppy needed me. God placed this little guy into my arms 3 months before my husband passed away in April 2019. I never wanted a dog but for whatever reason I ended up with a puppy. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up but thanks to my puppy I had a reason to live, a reason not to give up because he needed me. I have moments when I sit back and just look at everything that’s happened in my life, all of the pain & suffering I endured (loss of babies, ending a marriage after 21 years, unbearable neck pain and then ending up with spine surgery which paralyzed my right vocal cord, dealing with my voice functioning at 20% for 2 years, more surgeries, losing the love of my life, losing my dad 1 month later and so on. Let’s just call it life, it is what it is. For me it was my faith that saved me and my inner strength to keep on fighting, to keep on moving on because the bad times never last, just like the good times never last. Death is part of life, we all have to leave this place eventually. I know it might sound crazy, but my hubby sent me sign after sign that he was still around. I felt him near me all of the time. I thought I was going crazy but then my sister gave me a book called “Signs the Secret Language of the Universe” by Laura Lynne Jackson. What a life changer reading this book has been. I wasn’t going crazy, I’m not crazy .... I truly believe that our loved ones are with us in Spirit. Laura Jackson will be on Dr. Oz show today and I will be watching it. I know we all have our own beliefs which is a beautiful thing. We have the choice to believe. Believing saved my sanity and helped me tremendously with my grief. Of course my tears have not stopped but I cry less often. I cried for months day and night. It was horrible and thinking about that time in my life brings tears to my eyes. So much pain but you know life does go on. It really does go on and it really does get better. I believe God will always open a new door when one closes. Everything in this life happens for a reason and we need to embrace it. Please hang in there because it will get better.

Hello Grimmer,
After reading your posts I truly understand where you're at. I'm sorry for your loss.

November was only 2 months ago. I was a train wreck at two months!!!

There is no specific way to grieve and no one can personalize your experience but you.

I didn't want to live for three and a half years after my loving husband died suddenly on 11/28/14.

I got home to find him dead on the sofa.

I was totally derailed. My life caved in around me. Totally unexpected!!!

We were together for 27 great years. I wanted to die and felt like I couldn't go on without him.

Through a mutual friend that lost her husband suddenly 6 days after my husband died, I joined a Grief Share Support Group in So. Portland for couple months and it helped greatly to freely share my feelings in a safe environment.

It was so very difficult to experience his loss as we were very close and had a wonderful relationship. We had our problems as everyone does but that's life and no marriage is perfect. But we loved each other deeply and I would give anything to have him back healthy.

When I look back I'm amazed at how far I've come. I agonized every night cried deeply. I'm amazed it didn't kill me!

I continued to work full time to keep my sanity and to stay busy.

It took me about 3 and half years to start turning the corner to where I wasn't crying deeply every day and night. It was exhausting. When you love deeply you grieve deeply!

After 4 years of working full time I realized I was exhausted and ready to retire from full time work.

Actually, it was a relief because now I I had time to focus on my home affairs with time to spare and I could rest. That in itself was an adjustment but it was well needed.

I kept busy but I also allowed myself to grieve and cried whenever I needed to as tiring as that was. I still do cry from time to time but not like before. I'm starting to have somewhat of a life. My family lives 2 hours away so I don't see them as often but it feels good to travel to Mass and NH to visit them.

There is a life after losing a spouse. I'm so grateful for many things.

I now work part time to have more social time and to stay busy. Its a fun job.

I take good care of myself first by having a strong connection with God, attend church every week and have a great church family. I eat healthy, walk 4- 5 times a week, and make sure to communicate with friends and family. Oh yeah, my cat is great company! All these things are important to healing! It took a while to get where I'm at but better late than never.

Please don't give up!!! As long as you allow yourself to grieve and feel, you will be ok. But it takes facing it and it takes time. Be kind to yourself.

Ps....I was and am lonely at timnes too!!!

Thank you Ebmolly and the rest who have commented, for your kindness and encouragement. It really helped especially in the dark days. At my worst, I bought a gun and bullets, tested the gun at a firing range and stood in the parking lot behind the local fire dept with the gun under my chin and my finger on the trigger. I did not do it, obviously, however sometimes I think and wish I would have.
This still hurts so much! So much of what I lived for and made my life whole is gone. It seems pointless to continue to fight a battle I am not even sure what is the definition of winning!
I am trying to get through to see the light of less pain, anguish, guilt and loneliness.
I am not sure I can and some days I am not sure I want to, but today at least I will try to do my best and see what tomorrow brings.

Thank you again everyone, your empathy, honesty and efforts to help each other have truly helped me get to this point.

Dear Grimmer it does get easier. Try not getting over her death but just getting through it. You will never get over it. I saw another post of yours where you had contemplated hurting yourself. Please don't do that. Grief SUCKS...........it is soooooooo very hard and it is PAINFUl..........Painful to the core just like you speak of. I lost my husband in July of 2019 and it rocked my world. His death brought me to my knees right where i belong. If you are a believer in God please reach out to God and open his word to find his promises. Look into Greifshare.com this group and the meetings saved my life.....I was low like you , I just didnt want to wake up. There is hope...........one day at a time man.....one day ....baby steps. Dont be so hard on yourself this is a TUFF process but we will make it through this . If you need someone to talk to please reach out.