I relate to every emotion you have expressed and to the question of why continue on with a life of pain. My wife died in April, 2018 and I have struggled in the past with that same question. I am new to this venue but have now read a number of the postings. I am struck by the heart-wrenching experiences of so many, the devastating impact of each loss, and the endless search for some semblance of peace and meaning. I cannot add to such gracious and genuine outpourings of empathy, but I can address without any subtlety the question of "why go on" from an entirely different perspective that I hope gives you pause. The remainder of my words are directed not only to you but also to a disturbing number of others, whose postings contain similar foreboding underpinnings in one form or another.

We have all felt the hopelessness of those dark places where tragic loss will take us, but you have taken the ominous next step of buying a gun and holding it to your head with your finger on the trigger! If you need reasons or strength to get rid of the gun and carry on, consider whatever unintended consequences that you will set in motion. When I was a young man with two brothers, my father was also in a dark place in his mind, but he chose to pull the trigger leaving no explanation. It destroyed the family. My father's side of the family, and even both of my brothers, selfishly blamed my mother, who eventually took that blame to her grave. I distanced myself from them all and sided with my mother. I haven't spoken to my older brother in years, and my younger brother finally attempted suicide, opening up a whole new Pandora's box of issues. I know my father never considered to be possible the destructive consequences that followed his decision.

Another persuasive reason for not pulling the trigger came from a behavior psychiatrist at a grief counseling session from the perspective of innate human self-pride. Not only would there be unintended consequences for others, but what about for your own legacy after you are gone. We all have our share of detractors and even downright enemies. You know who they are. Do you think any of them will be sorry when you are gone? How do you think your legacy will be molded by them? Weak? Selfish? The psychiatrist's answer was "They win, you lose". Is that really the legacy you want for yourself? You have the power to mold your own legacy. Why give it to them?

Lastly, and most important, what about insight from the one who matters most? That is a rhetorical question that I am asking of myself. What would my wife say to me right now? She would say, "Remember what happened after your father took his life? You would take that risk? And in my memory? Our memory? My spirit is with you now? When your time comes, we will be alone together forever." Allow yourself a moment to ask yourself that same rhetorical question.

I know that I have not satisfactorily answered your question of "why should I continue to go through this pain?" Some of my words are probably even self-serving to relieve some of my own pain. I can feel the deep anguish, pain, and despair in your words and in the words of so many others who have suffered unbearable loss. I am not qualified to alleviate that pain, but I can tell you from having born the consequences myself that taking your own life is not the answer. There is light at the end of the tunnel and it's not always a train headed your way.

Hi, I am a widow my husband passed away last November 28, 2019. He was in good safe but suddenly he died in a major heart attack while driving to work and died at the same same.. We have 2 children ages 7 and 13 years old. I am working like crazy so that i can forget everything. My life turn upside down after what happened. It is very hard for us to live alone, it drains mentally and emotionally. I have my sleeping pills but i don't take them very often. I have a glass of wine every night but my son told me i will become alcoholic so i stops. I just have my pills for the moral they calls it, if it helps me , why not. I am starting to talk to psychologist once a week by phone because of covid-19. I need to do this because i have 2 kids who depends on me. I get out in the house everyday and drive from here to there and it makes me feel better. Visiting friends with social distancing helps also. Take is slowly and learn to talk to your friends.