Standard advice is to wait a year before you make any big decisions or changes. That's not always possible, or even advisable, for everybody.

My advice would be to wait until you are not comparing any potential companion with your husband, and not looking for your husband in them. If you are unable to appreciate someone for themselves, it isn't just that they are not right for you, but also that you are not right for them.

You are only about 100 days into this, which is still pretty early. You may not need a whole year for yourself, I cannot say, only you can. However, you do have kids, so whatever you do you will have to be careful and take your time for their sakes. Grieving and loving again are both complicated when you are still responsible for children - even if they are big kids. My guys were big kids.

It might be better to put the question of dating aside for now, and concentrate instead on "socializing". Love has a way of finding you when you least expect it.

I did a post a long time ago about the personal conflicts we have on this subject, called "The Great Debate and Two Hearts." You may find the discussion there helpful for you. Here is a link to it as it is an old post:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Widows_Widowers/forum/9040500-great-debate-and-two

You might also want to consider becoming a member of the Hopeful Hearts member group here. Shrn (Sharon), one of my co-CLs is in charge of that group, and their discussions would probably be helpful for you. Here is a link to that group in case you didn't see it:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/hopeful-hearts-love-after-loss

I put the question aside. I didn't think love would ever happen again for me. It did. I lost Cliff November 2007, and I married Mark in September 2010. Not all of life's surprises are bad surprises. Love happens.

Hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I think you will know when it is time. And I think MarJoe, asks a good question. Are you talking about seeking a new love interest, or are you talking about having dinner with someone. I myself, don't think I will ever be interested in a new love, but I am not against have dinner with a friend.

"I had someone ask me out 2 weeks after."

yikes! Please tell me they didn't know you had been a widow for only 2 weeks.

Before finding Art I had a social friendship with a man for 10 months. We did care deeply about each other but not in a romantic sense. It was a fun time and a learning bridge to do simple things like have dinner, picnics, and even watch a movie. I learned happiness could be mine, but we both knew there would never a romantic future. I will always be grateful for our transition into life. I don't know if I ever would have considered loving again without his friendship and our talks. So enjoy being free to spend your time getting to know you and what you enjoy. Sharon

Personally, I think its best when a person is completely healed ~
At the same time, we live in a world w/broken people, some on the mend & others who are happy/content ~
You never know what you'll get ~
The most important part is knowing & understanding one's needs/wants/desires beter while being strong enough to make good decisions and to withstand all the BS to move on easily ~
However, if a person decides they want to date while grieving ~
Often times, it's learned in a manner of Catch 22 ~

Whatever tests, that are not a choice, a person wants for themself is a personal decision only they will suffer or evenly learn from or be happy about as a result ~
Some people already know what is best for themself & what will not make them happy while others dont' know themself but think they know what will make them happy ~
Catch 22 wisdom ~

Alot to consider for the present & for the future especially when kids are involved ~
The other is the everyday all day pain dissipates over time ~
Remembering him will be forever ~
Missing him forever feeling will not happen when healed ~
Take it easy ~

I'm strictly talking socializing. Not looking for love just companionship. Someone to hang out with. Someone to talk to. I am very aware of my kids. They couldn't handle me being in a relationship right now. I wouldn't do that to them. They need my help in their healing. They are fine with me dating, but I know they have fear if someone became more important than them. That would not happen for a very long time! My daughter is 14 and I'm the only one to protect her now. (2 older brothers who aren't as experienced as me.) I appreciate all the advice and input.

Sorry, I thought by your title your were asking about dating ~
Other issues a person might want to consider are whether or not guilt, defenseness & misdirected anger could cause a problem(s) ~
Take it easy ~

This is another one of those very personal subjects. Many feel the need to connect with someone earlier than others and some never feel the need to date. This depends on what your lifestyle is. If you are used to an active social life you may feel ready. If you have kids, that might be more difficult. Only you will know if you ever want to find someone. Some of us are just trying to find out who we are and do not need baggage.

Maggie

This is only my opinion. First, make sure that you are happy alone, on your own and not looking for someone to make you happy. Loneliness is a terrible thing and makes us want that connection with someone. I did find when I first had a date, it was a casual dinner date for a work function, with a old boyfriend, that I hadn't seen in 40 years. The getting ready, shopping for an outfit and meeting him, was easier than I thought. I enjoyed dressing up again and all went so well, I decided I was ready to date. We had a few dates, but we weren't meant to be.

When I did start dating, online dates. I had a few, that were just coffee and talking, but no attraction. I read a book, that said you should date 3 men at a time and then decide if one of them stands out. This takes the sexual tension out, because you are just friends with each going out. If you decide, that you want to be exclusive with just one, then it's your decision. I found it less stressful, dating this way. I decided on one in about 3 months and we have been dating for over a year. My husband has been gone for almost 4 years now. I'm still not ready to get married and only see my guy about once a week, but we talk almost everyday.

I don't know if this helps, but it's what worked for me. It's always best to start dating as you are making a new friend.

Paula

Drawing only from my own experience, I think you will know. It won't be when you stop thinking about your spouse, nor when your heart is fully healed because neither of those things will ever happen. We all grieve differently and at our own pace. I came around to accepting my loss after 2-1/2 years...and I realized things wouldn't change unless I did something to change them. I joined an online dating site for people in my age group. I now have a lady friend who was widowed two years ago. She went through her grieving process a bit faster than I did. We both reminisce about our late spouses from time to time...and because of our common experience, we understand when it happens. My wife and her husband are a part of us.

Your loss is still fresh...be patient with yourself...understand that grieving takes time and you'll have setbacks along the way. There is no deadline for making decisions about dating or anything else that will significantly change your life. I extend my condolences and wish you the best.

It makes me wonder about my grandmother...My grandparents were married 26 years, he died, she remarried within 3 months. There were no small children at home. She had many acres and a home place in Tennessee. She got married, boarded up the house, moved to Detroit, MI, in a 2 room, 5th floor apt, with no screens, rats up and down the stairwell. No one lived there they knew. No family there. No jobs. They lived on welfare. I never have figured that one out.

That is the question I keep thinking about. I miss my wife so much it hurts. What was our cozy little house seems like a 50 room mansion. Maybe if not dating at least having a friend who you can watch movie or just talk with, its the aloneness that is driving me crazy. I just miss her so much, being alone just feels paralyzing to me.

Okay, I got confused because you used the term "date" and to me that includes romance/love. My kids' generation I believe "date" includes sex, but it didn't in my younger days.

Mel, if you want just "companionship" - i.e., a friend with no romance and no sex, that's a different set of questions and conditions.

If you want to make new friends, some of the best ways are to:

(1) join a social group - check with your church, it may have one, or check on meetup.com for groups that interest you in your area. There are a lot of meet-up groups that go to dinner or to the movies, or play games or even knit. There are special interest meet-ups - like dog owners or wine fanciers, backpackers, etc. Some are ladies only, some are strictly social, some are age-based, too.

(2) volunteer - every charity and grassroots organization needs volunteers, even if it's only a couple hours a week or month stuffing envelopes. Because these organizations have "causes" anyone volunteering with them will have a common interest, which helps to act as an icebreaker. For instance, if you volunteer for the Humane Society, you know the other volunteers also love animals.

(3) take a class - doesn't have to be university level stuff, you can take DIY lessons at Home Depot, or craft lessons at JoAnn's and Michael's. Check with your local adult education department, you can get (usually) 6-week courses for low cost that are held in nearby high schools or middle schools. Everything from language courses to belly dancing to making jewelry.

- alternatively, if you are an expert at something, you could offer to teach a class.

(4) if you are a reader, check with your library and see if there is a book club you can join. I joined one here in our village because I was starting from scratch in a new country, and it has helped. The one I belong to is a 'ladies only' club but there are both kinds. If there isn't one, talk to your librarian about starting one.

These are just a few ideas to expand your social circle. Once you start expanding your social circle, then you will start to find people to hang out with, talk to, etc. Also let the contacts you already have know that you are looking for new friends - they may be able to introduce you, but be aware many will try to set you up with potential partners - "for your own good."

It is normal to feel confused and conflicted about what we want and who we want. We miss the simple things. I have heard it said many times here that "I have plenty of people to do things with, but I don't have anyone to do nothing with." I missed little inane stuff like vegging out in front of the tv on the couch together - that comfortable closeness of another human being. Things most people take for granted.

I think it is a rare man who will want to keep a relationship forever platonic. Just saying...

I hope this helps.......

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Martha...I agree that my generation thinks a date includes sex. I have a lot of small kids and know how they got here, so that is one of the big reasons why I would not date. Men expect it unless you find one of those rare gems that is willing to do the right thing in the name of love and respect. Like I said, they are rare gems. With that in mind I am comfortable with myself and my husband's children. I do not need a man. I have friends that have tried on line dating and I have seen some of the selections out there. I am just fine without a man that does not work and lives in his parents' basement. On the other side are the ones my dad's age. No thanks!

Maggie

10-4, MB!

No plumber's butt & they gotta have teeth! I have a thing about teeth!
I'm waiting on my handymen toothless wonders to help clean out the garage ~
Whenever I visit my old neighborhood I alway manage to come across at least 2 or 3 male childhood friends/school mates who still live w/their parents, unemployed forever& toothless! ~
Most from cocaine use, fights, motorcycle accidents or just lack of dental hygiene ~ Ick!
Their main occupation is partying & waiting for their elderly parents to die to become a homeowner ... so sad ~
Some men are just too old while others are far too young; both creep me out!
I'm afraid if I had an old gardener/handyman he'd croak in the yard ~
I'd probably go through alot of young gardeners/handymen b/c I live across the street from a skate park where the teenagers hang out ~
Either way I wouldn't know what to do w/a man except keep in the shed or put him to work ~ *wink*

Oh well, I'm currently waiting on my handymen toothless wonders to show up to help me clean the garage ~
OMG! I just remembered, they always seem to be confident enough to ask for a date, but looking in the mirror for them is a "no go" ~ *Hee, hee, hee*