"It is normal to feel confused and conflicted about what we want and who we want. We miss the simple things. I have heard it said many times here that "I have plenty of people to do things with, but I don't have anyone to do nothing with." I missed little inane stuff like vegging out in front of the tv on the couch together - that comfortable closeness of another human being. Things most people take for granted. "
That's exactly it! I miss having someone to do nothing with! Thank you! Unfortunately, I can only think of one way to get that and that is by dating. Dating does not mean sex to me. I guess we all have different interpretations. I will try the online thing and see how that goes. I require respect and patience, no bending on that. We will see. I would rather have nobody than to have an immediate sexual partner that I'm uncomfortable with.

yes mel.. I agree with you. I miss doing nothing with someone.

One evening we were getting ready to go out to eat. While we were dressing, there was a movie on TV. We watched silently as we were getting ready. We went out to eat, neither of us said a word, on the way home, He said I have to stop at Walmart, to me saying, me too. We both went right back to electronics and right to the movies. Where we were both looking for "A Walk to Remember", we laughed about that, went right home, watched the ending that we had missed. Then the next day, we watched it all again.

Do nothing with someone.

In my experience, people often ask a question just to validate their own already formed opinion, having their mind made up, all they seek is just to be reassured.
Of course, it is your life, and your decision, however, before you make you steps in that direction, take some time to examine your unique state of affairs objectively.
Four months into a widowhood is a rather a short period, even for dealing with the logistics which loss of a spouse brings. When one of the family members is gone, the house and everything about it is like a time capsule of previous life. After long years living together, home is place filled with his things, his clothes, his hobbies.
Legal, financial matters also take time to deal with and to resolve. And this is work, has to be dealt with. And this is just a tip of an iceberg. Bottom line, It takes time to transition, to sort things out, to reconcile, to settle into being without a partner.
More importantly though, when there are children left behind as well, it adds to the amount of time and work needed to help them to deal with that loss. They have questions, confusion, and pain and need family strength to get through this. They need your strength, being their pillar in their shattered world.
Death leaves us in a horrific pain, and the desire to stop the pain is so strong, we start looking for something to help us to escape it even for a while. For the time I have been in grief recovery, I think I have heard many stories about escapes and some stories were mine, I am not immune either.
I urge you to look into your heart and ask yourself whether you are in a state to bring another person into your and your childrens life at this time.
Hope I did not sound patronizing, because it is not about propriety or morals, it is about timing.
Wish you well.

You are doing the best thing. I am glad that you are moving forward and are looking for male companions to have fun with. I understand how you feel, I'm not quit their but I can have a good time with a woman. My only fear is that she will want to move faster than me. I kno I am not ready to date but I do have a couple of girls that I enjoy spending time with and I hang out with some of their friends as long as they understand my position on dating. I guess I am kinda dating but It is nice to just have fun. I like to hang out and act like a kid. That is all i'm doing. I hope that something will just happen in the distant future and I wont have to worry about dating and love will just find me. I don't turn down a female friend because you never know until your ready. Right now I have 3 good friends and several acqaintences. I enjoy being a friend and I think that is OK. I don't feel like I am dishonoring my wife with my friends so their it is.

Thank you. Some good ruminating material. It is such a hard place to be in. I don't want to be alone. I invested 24 years. I have physical needs along with my spiritual needs. It's a horrible ride to be on. But, I think being alone is probably more miserable than having company. I will protect my kids. Yet, they will grow up and leave. This assures me that it is ok to have male companionship. Someone to talk to, go out with ( I just spent a week with my 14 year old daughter and I'm ready for adults), and someone to just share life with. My first love language is physical touch, so I'm a sucker for hugs and hand holding. My second is time. I miss adult conversations about stupid stuff. I miss someone telling me to have a nice day. I'm 40. I could live to be 41 or 85, either way, I don't want to be alone.

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. Two steps forward, one step back. Maybe I will seek the company of a counselor for now. Someone to help me sort through this emotional mess. Today, I will go to the cemetery and put flowers on Mike's grave and spend some time alone. (I never sense his presence). Maybe that will help me through today. Missing Mike.

I am now at 4 years and 3 months. I dated at a year and a half. It was a bit early for me and I now realize that I dated the first man that I did for awhile because he was safe. He treated me very well...but I knew that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. I knew that he would respect my wishes 100%. I worked through a lot of feelings and emotions during that time. I was learning to find myself (without) my husband. Who was "I"

You (never get "over") the loss of your spouse. You get through the deepest and most difficult part of the grief process and learn to move forward carrying your loss with you.

For me it is like I have two parallel lives and two parallel hearts. Martha's "Two Hearts" post from long ago explains it best.

I have the heart for my late husband. I am no longer grieving as heavily. Actually I am grieving for my step son that died last year more than I am grieving for my late husband now.

So for me the one life "was the life I was living and the hopes and dreams and plans for the future that I had." I am always aware that it is "there"....

I know that is not my here and now life and I do not "live" there. I look over there now and then because it is part of me and who I am as a person now. I can remember my old life and my late husband with a smile most often now. He was a one in a billion man and I was so so lucky that he and I were able to share the years together that we did.

The other life is my life that I am living now and it includes a man that is the second "one in a billion man" that I have been fortunate enough to share my life with.

We spend almost of our free time together and are about three quarters living together now. He and I are molding our lives together and I am so very happy to have found another person that I love so much that cherishes me.

So to me the only way to "know" when you are ready is when you are ready to weed through the toads to get to the one that cherishes you.

We all deserve that kind of love and devotion and I have always believed that there is more than one person in our lifetime that can love and cherish us.

Just imagine if you and your spouse lived in different countries. You would have probably found another soul mate. I believe that there are more soul mates out there for each of us when we get very very specific as to what we "are" searching for...and drop the list of what we are "not" searching for.

If you cry every time you think about what you are searching for...then perhaps its too soon to date.

As far as dating and what people "expect" you are half of the equation of any date, getting together, or relationship. So what if someone else "expects" something different than you. If they respect you then they will never (ever) push you for something that "you" are not comfortable with.

So there is no (right or wrong) answer. Just be kind to you and know that you will know. Just please know that when you are ready....truly ready..(of course not everyone wants another soul mate),...but if you want it to happen...(to meet another soulmate)...it will happen.

love and hugs...
-Diana

You might want to read what I just posted... Don't let that scare you away!!! For a while I had butterflies in my stomach and felt like a teeanager.. I know I will find the right man who will take the time to get to know me and what I went through and appreciate and understand it. He will love me for the woman I am today because of my experience with losing my husband. Best of luck!! Hang in there.. You'll know when it's time for you!!

Counseling? You've arrived at an excellent decision/choice for yourself ~ *winK*
The answers lie within ~
Finding them is the hard part - can be cause for great suffering ~
An important issue that has not been addressed is "root cause" ~
Please do ask your clinician about - "yearning/longing/suffering" ~
As for physical needs/skin hunger ~
Kundalini yoga, self stimulation, hugs from others as well as giving them to yourself, personal appliances, massage, Reiki, acupuncture, accupressure, etc ~
Sorry if mentioning any of the above cause discomfort or embarrasment however, I believe they need to be brought out into the open for others who may need suggestions ~
Take care ~
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"Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering." - Carl Jung~

NEU-RO-SIS/nross, ny-/ Show Spelled [noo-roh-sis, nyoo-] Show IPA
noun, plural neuroses /nrosiz, ny-/ Show Spelled [noo-roh-seez, nyoo-] Show IPA . Psychiatry.
1. Also called psychoneurosis. a functional disorder in which feelings of anxiety, obsessional thoughts, compulsive acts, and physical complaints without objective evidence of disease, in various degrees and patterns, dominate the personality.
2. a relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social or interpersonal maladjustment.

Sounds like grief, huh? ~

I think when you're ready you instinctively know. I was going to put in a profile on a dating site, and decided that wasn't for me. So I deleted the information. Follow your heart and your inner voice. It'll never fail you.