I am at 21 months and while H is in my heart every second , every minutes , every hour of everyday, I too went through those moments of thoughts and panic you describe early on. I too wondered the what if. Later on as acceptance starts happening you will be better equipped to see who you are as a person and see things for what they are. Like you I was 48 when he passed . I will be 50 in a few short weeks and on the subject of having someone else in my life I am of the mind that I can`t predict my future. I met H when I wanted nothing to do with having someone in my life and it still happen. I do not seek to have someone in my life. I do however realize that my way of thinking has changed from the pain induced thoughts and denial of the earlier stage of grieving. I have also learned that life is precious and short and that for myself I need to embrace what will come my way, not fight it.

Today its 23 months...I don't feel married or unmarried...I kept my ring on for 17 months..didn't change Facebook status until 21 months..didn't find this place until 22 months..and now I am reading a really good book to help me on my journey..if there are only 2 things I know for a fact today they would be..1) I was married for 32 years..2) I am not alone inthis journey

This is a hard one. Because you don't stop loving your dead spouse. I still talk about my husband as my husband. He always will be. But I don't feel married anymore; his live presence is no longer an integral part of my life. I stopped feeling married on December 11, 2011 a lttle more than a month from the one year anniversary of his death. My father died that day and I had to deal with everything that entails... by myself. I had no significant other to support me. I can remember looking at my wedding band and engagement ring thinking... well whatever I am, it is not married. Before that day I panicked at the thought of taking them off. I took them off and said well I have to do this by myself and I will. I did. I think the fact that I had to be totally self reliant and knew that I was strong enough to handle whatever shitty shit was thrown at me made me realize that I was at a new phase. To me marriage is a partnership, a team effort, an act of faith and love. The love and faith are still there, but the partnership is gone. Hope that makes some sense.

Thank you to all that made me feel less "oddball". I agree with letmehelpyou in that when you have to handle and deal with everything alone you realize the "non-existence" of a marriage anymore. Totally alone is extremely hard, but I think that it actually made me stronger in the long run, and I rediscovered some of my abilities that I had forgotten about. We can all make it, because we have to!

The culmination of the retreat I went on last week was writing a letter to our spouse that involved saying good-bye to our marriage. That applies to the divorced as well as the widowed.

The other widowed person at the retreat was my daughter's age with small children. She had only been widowed for 6 months and I was concerned that that part of the weekend would be extremely difficult for her. She shared that it was actually very healing for her and she felt much more able to move forward with her life. She was a wonderful young woman who, even in the midst of her deep grief, was looking for ways to help others.

I, too, found that part of the retreat to be very helpful. I felt a closure happen that gave me much peace. I thought I had already let go, but there evidently was a piece missing that I still needed to go through and I believe the retreat accomplished that.

My husband passed away 5 months ago, so I'm still very new to it all and my thoughts and feelings could change at any time.

So far I still feel married. I refer to Todd as "my husband" and if necessary I refer to him as "my late husband." I am trying to change some of my references - for instance it's "my" house now, not "our" house. I have had to use the designation "widow" once when completing a medical form. But that's what I am - my spouse died and I am a widow. That designation doesn't bother me as much as it does others, I don't know why.

At about two months I thought about switching my rings to my right hand, but didn't do it. For me it's too soon. One day this will change and I'll know in my heart that it's time.

The day of my husbands funeral. My f-I-l asked me when I was getting married? He said, it was til death, and you are no longer married, and there is no marriage in Heaven... Well... I never felt married, my husband treated me as property that he owned. I never want that to happen again, I was with him 48 years...

A lot of feelings and "stuff" came out in this blog.

I'm at 19 months and I hate the word "widow!" I still wear my wedding rings because I was married for more than half my life and he was my life. I didn't do anything without thinking of him. I adored and loved Morey with all my heart and being!

That said, I'm falling in love with big sky Montana or was it Wyoming? And, I love lamb chops!

Oh! God! It feels so good to laugh again!

I consider myself married and still wear my rings. Bill died 4 years ago and we were very happy. He is the father of our children and was our provider - created our family business which supports us all now. The kids and I now run that business. I don't look at other men and have no interest in another relationship. Bill didn't divorce me - he died. I am super busy working the business and caring for my bedbound MIL with alzheimers. Also 3 grandkids - one with autism. No time and no interest in any other man. I absolutely loved being married - to Bill. No one else for me.

on the 20th of November it will be 6 months since my husband died. I feel like i married and then i don't cause we were only married for a year and a half before he died. The week he died i got the question .. are you going to remarry? I was like he just died how would i know what im even feeling right now. I am glad you asked this question cause i feel the same way some times. Some times i don't feel like i have the right to be as upset as i am cause we didn't have the 20+ years together. I think some people will always feel married and are happy that way and i think some people will always remember there spouse but may find someone else and be happy with that too. Its personal to how you grieve what makes you happy.

Dear Royalbubble - You don't have to be married for 20+ years to grieve deeply. Your grief is as "justified" as anyone's and you have every right to feel all of the feelings that you do. You are so very young and you went through so much. Keep coming back, we're here for you.

Sometimes I get the impression that people are making two categories: either feeling married or not feeling married and looking for another partner. I am not in either of those categories. I definitely don't feel married, as I said, he ain't here!, but I am not seriously thinking of remarrying again. I don't have to be married to someone to be me. I very possibly will live out my life alone and that is OK. I am leaving that up to God--if he throws someone in front of me that I trip over, then I might consider another relationship! But until then, I am working on being whole on my own.

lrs... exactly !!....that's how I feel.....

When I got dressed this morning I took my wedding ring off just to see what it felt like. Felt all wrong. Put it right back on. Yep, still married.

Well I'm at 16 months and I'm older than most of you I think. I'm 67, so my perspective might be different. I don't necessarily feel married anymore but that's from a practical and legal sense if you will. In my heart, even though my husband and I had some issues the last 3 years or so (nothing too serious) I feel married. He was my one and only marriage. I married late at 39 and we had no children. He had two from a previous marriage, but were are not an active part of our life as both live far away. As lonely as I am, I will not be in another relationship other that strictly friends, much less marry. I miss my husband terribly and he is constantly on my mind. I feel I was meant to marry only once, so I'm trying to adjust to being alone knowing it will be for life. I have close friends and brother and I try to keep very busy, so this definitely helps. We are all different and it depends on our age, the type of marriage we had, and our own circumstances now and our particular mindset. There is no right or wrong.