Oh My God, I had wanted to say that but was afraid I would be booed of the site. If Tom's death has taught me anything it is to send a card the day you hear of someone passing and never send flowers to their home. I am at the beginning of my 7th week and yesterday received 2 cards. The flowers and plants are just beautiful, but every time you see them it is a reminder of what has happened. I am so grateful for the kindness and support I have received, but the cards and messages on them make it all so raw again. I too am sorry about the whining. Pat

Mine stopped after about a month, so you're probably through most of it. I appreciated the cards I received, but I have to say that the one annoying thing to me was the ones where people would put a reference to a Bible chapter & verse - not the passage, just the reference. So I'd pull out my King James, look up the passage, and they were never relevant! What the?? When it came time to start writing thank you cards to people, I did the same thing back - only this time put something that was actually relevant to the kind of man Cliff was - it was Psalm 15:

1Lord, who shall abide in thy tabernacle? who shall dwell in thy holy hill?

2He that walketh uprightly, and worketh righteousness, and speaketh the truth in his heart.

3He that backbiteth not with his tongue, nor doeth evil to his neighbour, nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbour.

4In whose eyes a vile person is condemned; but he honoureth them that fear the LORD. He that sweareth to his own hurt, and changeth not.

5He that putteth not out his money to usury, nor taketh reward against the innocent. He that doeth these things shall never be moved.

[Sharon's probably just fainted because I've actually put up a Bible quote - something I never ever do....]

Pam, hang in there. You should be through most of them by now. I had a couple of "In Memoriam" kind of things that came up at 6 months and a year as tributes to Cliff, but by then it was a little easier to deal with.

Love and Hugs, Martha

Pat, one of the happiest things I did was to finally get rid of the plants I received. One was from the Mayor and his staff, the other from an organization that Cliff had done a lot of work with. Their intentions were good, but frankly I was glad to finally get rid of them...

Down here in the Deep South, people also bring you food. I appreciated that, too, but a lot of that was tossed as well - I hardly ate for weeks.

I didn't want meaningless cards, houseplants that were going to die (like I needed one more thing to take care of???), or food I couldn't eat. I needed someone to actually listen to me. Thank God I found DS after a couple of weeks!

Christine,

They should start dwindling very soon. An exceptionI had a lady who sent a card a week for one year. She did it for all the university staff and faculty who had lost a loved one. It was her particular ministry to the grieving. At first when her cards kept coming, it unnerved me a bit until I understood her purpose and ministry.

When the cards stop, don't be surprised if you begin missing the feeling that someone, even if only through a card, is thinking about you. It's just another phase of grief that comes to the surface as all the thoughtful gestures you have been receiving through cards, meals, and phone calls begin to drop off.

It's a shocker when everyone (even those you relied on the most) goes back to their lives and you're left to muddle through yours. It's inevitable. They have responsibilities, lives that are to be lived, activities that need attendance, and on and on. The flip side is that it helps the surviving spouse to comprehend that they are on the threshold of a new and different life: one not chosen, one not wanted, but one that must be lived.

I hope we can help you travel through these next few difficult weeks and months until you find your footing. We care; we understand. TJ

Pat, I realized after posting that I may have come across ungrateful and get booed off also. I just hate when I'm actually doing fairly decent for the moment .. then the mail arrives and knocks me for a loop. And like TJ said, I may even miss them after awhile, but for now .. I just can't handle it. Thanks all,
Pam

Well, my account of late sympathizers sending or telling me how sorry they were for my loss, has just now stopped. It has been almost 15 months. But I have/had been waiting on this particular group to tell me this. Bradley was a member of the Local union of Operating Engineers. He, being a contractor was also signatory to the Teamsters and the Laborers unions as an owner. Now I can see the Teamsters and Laborers not sending anything, but as part of a "Brotherhood" with the Engineers. They didn't send anyone to the funeral home, no flowers, no cards, no condolences at all for a year. I am drawing a partial pension from them and no acknowledgement at all? WTH? I had been biding my time until the moment came when I could just unload on the first one to step through my door this past March. Almost a year to the day. It felt really good to get that off my chest. I didn't worry about it on a daily basis, but I knew I would get my chance to tell them what I really thought of their "brotherhood". The Laborers followed suit this past week, and they too got an earful from me. I don't expect to hear from the other at all, and it is just as well.
So, in response to your statement and getting cards and flowers still, mine stopped about a month (with exception of above).
Sorry that I vented.

Most of the cards arrived in the first six weeks but, since I have been back here, I am getting cards from people who didn't know. It is sometimes hard to read them...but I do appreciate the time and effort spent in sending them to me. Hugs, Dianne

Hey Pam: The cards kept coming for about a month and then the odd one came from people that did not know. I glanced at them all and them put them away. On the 1 year anniversary of Mike's death I brought them out and read them. The words did not mean so much when I was still in shock, but a year later...every sentiment, every word and just to know people cared...meant everything. Don't dwell on the cards, read them later when you can. My 2 pennies, Cindy xxoo

I forgot to mention the plants and flowers! Like Cliffskat...I had huge blooms everywhere and plant in the cutest containers ever! It is not that I did not appreciate each individual who sent them...but they were overpowering! I had a neighbour that brought me casseroles. What a lovely idea but I know she is a vegan so not sure what they were! I let the dogs smell them and they turned up their noses, sneezed and ran away! Lovely gestures and I thanked them profusely. I treasure each one of these friends and neighbours for doing their best to "be there"...but I could not eat those casserole, I could not keep those "cute" containers and I could not stand the smell of those overpowering flowers! Ok, maybe a bitch but just the way it was. Cindy xxoo

Pam - first- please say anything and everything you want to here - everything and anything is up for grabs here, ok? I did the same as Cindy - read them when they first came, then put them all away in a box. It hurt me when they came, and then it hurt me when they stopped. G-d love widow brain. I think I re-read them like a year afterwards, and could appreciate them in a different light. Martha, damn, you mean I was supposed to send thank you cards for the condolence cards? Uh oh. I think Emily Post is smacking me upside the head. Hugs, Marsha

omggggg....lol's at the comments about the dreaded PLANTS!!!

I could NOT stand those plants in my house, and yes! Martha!...really did we need ONE MORE THING to take care of?!?

I finally took them to the office, where there's a beautiful atrium and then didn't look to see if they survived or not! It was such a relief.

haha...thanks for the reminder & the laugh...


hmm...I guess not many ppl would laugh at that? (still smiling)

~AJ

I'm terribly sorry, Pam, to derail your thread...

as far as cards go, I also read them much later, most I didn't remember reading the first time & I appreciated the time that ppl took to send them...:) NOW, what do I do with them?

~AJ

AJ - the plants didn't bother me as much as those darn flowers. My mom's friend came and planted the outside flowers in the garden Rob was working on the week he passed .. now if only I can remember to water them.
Pam

I enjoyed receiving cards no matter how late they were - plants too. I got plenty of cards when my husband died but I didn't get one single card when my father died. It made me feel so bad. My coworkers knew, my friends knew, of course my relatives all knew, yet not one sent me a card - which is why I sent cards even to people I'm not good friends with.

I really enjoyed re-reading the cards and letters at the year mark too. Well, enjoying may not be the right word but they were comforting. Hope they will be later for you too.
My sons and four of my friends sent me flowers on each and every milestone during my first year.
I felt cherished, remembered and loved. I will never forget their kindness and the strength and will they gave me to go on.
I was planning on paying it forward,now I'm not so sure seeing as a lot of people here didn't appreciate them. Wonder what would work better?