Hi Michele

I know saying the word "widow" is haunting for me. You hear it over
the years referred to people you know, but it just doesn't resonate ..

I know that I feel for friends or family that have never had the experience of having a Soul mate. It's the one of the greatest experiences one can have & for that I'm forever grateful & I think
that is why it's even more painful when you lose them.

It has been 17months & you go through the daily motions of life
and some days easier than others, but I find solace in my apartment that I have with Larry's pictures & other items that I can look at daily.
Honestly I try not to look to much into the future.

The one thing I just did was to update my Will & POA. Hard not to have his name on legal items the it was for 38yrs, but must face reality..... good or bad

Take care JoAnn

there's one person committed to stay single throughout life in my family. had longterm relationships, but never lived separate from partners. IMO, the reason, is financial. will never get into a position where someone else could be legally entitled to money or property. Maybe some other aversion to commitment, but I know them well, and consistent lifestyle is to always keep their home separate. comments about married couples' property issues. also determined to never have children, a lifelong financial tie (yet, enjoys nieces & nephews).

I also wondered this. Almost all of my friends now are single women, and it surprises me how long they have been single. They seem to be very comfortable in their status and do not care to change it. They are confident, comfortable and very happy. I don't get it but I admire them and hope someday I can transition to that position, because this position is so very painful.

Michele,
Yes it is different. 1st I was one of those happy confidant singles. I would not settle and did not find J.R until my early 30s. I had built a great life for myself without a man, family, career, great friends. I wasn't desperate of looking for anyone when I met J.R. and wham, I was in love! It was wonderful and my entire perspective changed. I started building my life around someone and he built his life around me. And that I think is the difference.
We are the survivors of a horrible tornado. It touched down and destroyed our lives in a matter of seconds. They are living the lives the created, we at first are living in the destruction. Totally different feeling. Eventually, the tools come out and you rebuild, but the shock and devastation at first are immense.
I rebuilt and became happy with my new solo life, but it took time, about two years for me. (There is no timeline folks, each person has their own coping and creating, grieving and rebuilding cycle.) Then wham, when I wasn't looking, a met and fell in love with another man (still love my husband though.) and now I am building a life in which he is central. Perhaps, given what I know, an act of pure lunacy or pure faith.
Hope this helps.
Hugs,
Val

The secret is they're used to it, you are not, so yes, being a widow(er) is different. Don't compare your life to theirs, take time for yourself, find the things you like to do, that make you happy, and this may take some time. For me at first the loneliness was overwhelming and I tried dating way to soon, moving to far to fast can actually set you back. It will be 3 years this month that my wife passed away and I'm pretty much used to living the way I am now, not that I like it, but I'm content.

Michele, a lot of my brothers I ride with are single. They are still hard partying bikers. That life is something I left behind some time ago and really don't want to re-visit. Sure I go out with them on occasion but I seem to pay for it for days and am not really into that hard partying anymore as it cold be very detrimental to my health and well being.
Our favorite thing was hanging out at home just me and her and our animals talking or watching TV or just doing nothing. How I miss that! Adjusting to this new life is definitely hard to swallow. ~Pete

I definitely understand your feelings. I think it depends on how you identify yourself. My identity was as wife and mother even though I was a working wife and mother. I met my husband in high school and we married to begin our life together. His death left me without an identity. I was determined to become a whole person and it took hard work, soul searching, and many lonely days. But it was worth the effort. It takes time and strength to find the happiness within rather than in someone else, but I believe that I am healthier for the effort.

I will say, I did find love again and have total happiness, but I chose to be with him because we enhance each other's life and are building a life together. Sharon

My older sister never married. I married when I was nineteen. She once said to me, "marriage is something women do when they can't stand on their own two feet!" I thought, "that's so perfect for you to say because no one would want to marry you!" I never liked her much and she downright hated me! Talk about dysfunction!

I think that people stay single mostly because they don't meet anyone that "fits!"

Morey and I "fit", I could finish his sentences. I didn't want to go any day without him in it!!!

I think being a single person is a learned lifestyle. Just like we're learning. At first, I was so clumsy and unsure of myself. Now, it's 2 1/2 years and I'm becoming more surefooted and comfortable with being alone.

My wonderful memories are all around me, as my walls and shelves are filled with Morey. To have NEVER experienced such a love in my life surely would have been a tremendous loss.......WE truly are the lucky one's!!!!!

Roz

just saw that there is an error in the beginning of my post here. it was supposed to say "there's one person committed to stay single throughout life in my family. had longterm relationships, but ALWAYS lived separate from partners...."
duh.

Michele, I wish I knew the answer. I do know women who seem to be content with being alone. When my husband was here, I didn't mind being alone because even when he wasn't here, I still had the comfort and security of knowing he'd be here soon. That completeness in life that I took for granted. This new aloneness is so horribly empty. But you already know that.

I am hoping that sometime in the future I will get back to finding peace in solitude and be able to find contentment. I hope that for you as well. Right now it seems impossible, but I too am so tired of just existing.

Take care, my friend, and know I'm right here with you.

Hugs,
Linda

my husband often travelled away from home throughout our life, and I did not suffer with feeling alone, or lonely. Friends would ask me about that, and I always replied "I know he is coming back, so I am ok with it". Some people thought of me as being a little more independent than some other women. I had to do more physical chores by myself, etc.
Well, being alone is an entirely different beast, now that he is never coming back.
but you already understand that.
I was telling a friend yesterday, of how afraid I now feel now. It is Very different without my other half.
Maybe people who have never had "another half" of themselves don't feel the absence, like this.

I suppose ( and this is just my opinion) that a person can't miss what they never had to begin with..that being the love of a soul mate.

I absolutely hate being a "me", I loved being part of a "we". I have a friend who has been single for many years and kept saying how happy she was. Then I shared with her how lonely I was without Tim she admitted that she wanted to be part of a "we" again.
My sister goes on and on how happy she is being single and she to has admitted that she would love someone to be in her life. Sometimes I think people just fool themselves into thinking its okay.

It's not that I can't take care of myself in all senses of the word. I work and support myself, I'm pretty handy with tools and can repair things.
I miss the kind of conversations where you don't have to complete the sentence because they know what you are going to say. I miss cuddling and sharing your most intimate thoughts.
Hugs, Sandi

Michele, It's my belief that you don't miss what you've never had. It begs the question, "is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." pj1952

I think you answered your own question. They have inner peace. No one can give you that it must come from within. How it is achieved is different for each of us.