I remember when you came to DS. You have had a lot of progress since then. I am at 2yrs, 2 mo. and it is a different kind of grief than at 1 yr. If your counselor will put you at ease, then don't hesitate to see her again.
It seems as long as we stay busy, the grief isn't near as bad. I have been traveling to see the kids, and am also the secondary caregiver for my Mom.
This life now isn't what I had dreamed about at all, nor is our kids who miss their Dad every single day. I can only hope it gets better, that we keep adjusting to this new life we now have day by day.
Everyone misses him and Marjoe says what I say alot of lately....it is what it is...

prtlycloudy, your post reminds me of something said by a widow in bereavement support. She has two sons, and says that even though they lost their father, they still have a life. No one understands, that she lost hers.

Even though it is what it is, and we are forced to form a new life, it will never be what we had, and what we still want. That is the hard part.

At this point I can only be true to myself and find that I am perfectly content living alone. No one intrudes in my life or how I choose to live it. I feel I have survived a personal war, and I now deserve to live my life the way I feel is best. And, if I cry, I cry. The deep river of sorrow is always there. It just takes some little something to tap into it, and the floodgates open. That, in itself, is never going to change, no matter how many counseling sessions I would attend, or drugs that I swallow.

I think it's normal. Although I did ask a widow friend just yesterday if she still thinks about her husband a lot. I was wondering if it was normal to spend as much time thinking about your husband as I do. Apparently so. And the tears still come-hot and heavy. I was never a crier so it surprises me. The moments are fewer and farther between but it can go in cycles where it's everyday for awhile. And when it happens the pain is as agonizing as ever. But the moments in between, which is most of the time, are sweeter. My joy has returned and I am fully engaged in life. I look at it this way -I used to have a great life and now I have a good one. Cry all you want to. It's healing.

3 years for me on June 16th. Still feel that I am married. Have no desire for anyone else. Barbara

Debbie,
I have been feeling the same emotions and having a difficult time dealing with them. July 5th will be 1 year...and Father's Day was tough.. but wow!! All along, i think I've been doing pretty well, but honestly... I think i am feeling worse now than i ever have.

i am feeling disappointed in myself, I think, because I had been doing so well... my faith in the Lord was strong...I just feel so lost and lonely and very, very sad. Bob is always on my mind and my heart - and I keep thinking about what we were going thru 1 year ago!! Sooooo painful!!
Sending you hugs.....Linda

Linda-- I know, how well I know. Dick was my one and only, and I am proud of myself for not only being able to take care of myself, but through all the pain I am able to realize that fact and not let other people try to make me feel different, or that what I feel is wrong for myself.

And I often think of what my husband's opinion would be right now, but in all honesty Linda, he would have been far worse than me if I had died first. For him, he knew that there would be no other and that there was not anyone on the face of this earth that could come close to me. I know, for he told me this. So, in that respect, I have no doubt that he fully understands me, my feelings and my outlook for my life. Overall, I believe I'm doing pretty good.

Debbie,
I am glad that you started this discussion too because the responses from everyone on various stages of this journey are encouraging and supportive. I am approaching 14 months now (Wow, that doesn't seem possible !) and these past couple of weeks have been a true emotional roller coaster. I think Father's Day last year, I was still in a fog as it had only been 6 weeks since Mark passed away - so this year, the fog had cleared and the true emotions took over. I got soooooo tired of hearing the ads on the radio and TV for Father's Day gifts.
I miss Mark every minute of everyday. I don't cry everyday - but the least little thing can make the eyes well up. I feel his presence with me and I talk to him all of the time. Like you, everyone says "You look great"......."You're doing so well"........"You're so strong". It's amazing what we can do when we have to. Like my Mom always says, appearances can be deceiving.
My step daughter and I were talking shortly after Mark passed away and she said that she and Heath(her brother) have lost their Dad and that's devastating for them BUT, I have lost my husband, 1/2 of my life, my future..........WOW did she hit the nail on the head!
Debbie - you are an inspiration to me and our thinking is so much alike. Mark is still my husband, I am still married, I will always have his name and I know that he is preparing our eternal home where I will join him one day.
Hugs to you,
Chris

Chris, I remember a girl in bereavement support who had two sons. She said that even though they had lost their Dad, they still had a life. She had lost hers. I could not agree more.

I often remember my mother, looking so lost after Dad died. And I felt helpless because no matter what I did, I couldn't fix it. She told me that I didn't understand. Mom had been with Dad most of her life. Moved from the farm to her brother's in the city, and then at some point met and married my Dad. Mom said that she felt like she had lost her right arm, and even though she loved Dad with all her heart, she wanted no other man's shoes under her bed. Mom's explanation was that most men were looking for someone to take care of them, and it wasn't going to be her. Mom had a lifetime of memories with my father, and only wanted to live out the rest of her life alone, doing what she wanted to do.

I didn't understand it all then, but I sure understand it now. Some people may think I am foolish, but tough noogies.

I'm sorry youre' going through a rough time again. I have found that certain times of the year, especially seasonal changes, will trigger a new flood of memories and new pain. It may be that you are now recalling all the good times in summer that you and he had - and that may be what's making it even worse. I also know that around the year anniversaries that I have experienced another downturn. I'm at 44 months and had a rough go for each of them.

There is an advantage to having made it this far, and that is you know that you can make it this far and therefore farther still, that you will get through this difficult time. I hope that makes sense.

I agree about the meds. Maybe instead of the counseling you could pick up one of the books that you haven't read yet? Just a thought. Hope you feel better soon.

Love and Hugs, Martha

I'm not much into reading self-help books. I mostly tap back into the various conversations my counselor and I have had through the months following Dick's passing or bits and pieces from the bereavement support group. It all helps, in addition to reading all the wonderful posts in this thread.

My life is not the same as I had, nor what I want, but it is content and peaceful. There is no drama, no one's baggage to deal with, and is filled with wonderful friends, family and activities. And I love running into people who still acknowledge me as Mrs X or Dick's wife. That makes me feel really good. What does bother me is how I want to keep him and his memory alive by talking about him, or bringing his name into conversation, and you can see everyone get uncomfortable or change the subject. My husband is very much a part of my life now as he was before he passed. I don't get why everyone wants to shut the door, while I want to leave it open.

I keep thinking about something Nancy Reagan said when she was asked if she had started to miss her husband less and she replied, No, I miss Ronnie more and more every day. Sometimes I feel just that way, too. And that is OK. We all deal with our grief in our own special ways and no one who hasn't gone on this journey can ever understand. I am just glad we all have each other to share our fears and tears. Bless you all.

I guess the reason everyone else wants to shut the door as you put it is that it's not their door. No one understands our losses unless they've been through one too.

Is it the fact that other people get uncomfortable when you talk about Dick that bugs you the most? Is there another way that you can share his legacy with people? I wonder if there was something - maybe a charity or cause - that he felt strongly about that perhaps you could do something for in his name. That would be one way to get people to understand who he was/is and what he means to you. I know it's not the same thing as people just automatically being accepting about it, but most people just cringe when we talk about our lost loves, especially for those of us who are not new to this journey. Maybe doing some kind of good works in his name would be one way of keeping his memory alive in a positive way for others and make him a bit more real to them.

We are the keepers of their legacies on top of everything else. Sometimes that's not hard to do and sometimes it is. I just wonder if that would help bring you some peace for you to do something like that.

Love and Hugs, Martha

Yes, it is. WHen I start to talk about Dick, I can tell that the people in my circle of conversation are uncomfortable, and yes, it bothers me big time. Mainly, because I don't treat other people that way when they speak of their departed loved ones. I am compassionate. So, why is it so uncomfortable for them?

And, my husband's passion was golf. I don't have the funds to buffer a charity golf outing, and the opportunity has not risen to participate in the one that he so loved to play in. His team (uncle, brother-in-law and good friend) don't play in it anymore. They quit after he passed on. It was for the Elks club that Dick belonged to. However, the Elks does have a memorial service for those who have passed on every December and I am making a point to attend that, The wives or family get a chance to speak, and I always stand up and make sure that my husband is not forgotten.

Hi Debbie... In July it will be 2 years for me. I cry all the time...I also plan on reuniting with my husband.We could not stand to be apart from each other either. There is nothing wrong with you....you were loved deeply and you loved deeply....as my husband and I do....I believe my husband is alive....forever began when he took his last breath...and someday my forever will begin when I see him again. I am also comitted to my husband, regardless if we are together physically at this time. Debbie...:)