Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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jerseydebbie 06/21/2011

I lost my life partner a little over two years ago. I've been doing pretty well, but the last two weeks have been extremely emotional for me.

Seems that the impending Father's Day triggered it. I feel my husband so close to me that I can taste it. Lots of little memories that I had forgotten are popping in my head, and everywhere I look brings a memory of something we said or did together.

I miss him so damned much, and often apologize to him for being so emotional. I know that if I had died first, my husband would not have made it this far. We occasionally talked about our intentions if left behind, and I am doing exactly that. I am my husband's legacy and am committed 100% as his wife. My belief is that we are only separated temporarily, but still bound in spirit. My husband and I could not bear the thought of living without the other. We were that blended.

I'm content with my life and the path I am headed, but wondered if anyone else out there who lost their partner over a year ago is going, or has gone through the same thing. Sometimes I think there is something else wrong with me, but my tears are ones out of love.

deleted_user 06/21/2011

Hi Debbie, Yes I am going through what you are going through, so much so that I am seeking out some counseling. I am now at 20 months and missing my sweetie so very much. Life seems lifeless without him by my side.
I do not think there is anything else wrong with you. Grieving is hard on the Spirit, soul and body. All we can do is keep moving forward in the strength that our good Lord gives us daily. I pray you have better days filled with not only your good memories but with much peace and joy.
I keep reminding myself, God is good he loves me and is close to me as I walk through this valley of grief for it is only in his great strength I can do this. It will just take as long as it takes.
God Bless and hugs,
Helen

jillieg 06/21/2011

well Debbie, I'm not as far along as you (7 months) but I too have found the past few weeks to be more teary than usual...especially father's day. Plus anniversary in here...summer and all the fun that used to be...
Things are different ,for sure, but as Heartaches2 said God gives us the grace and strength to make it through, one day at a time. You were so blessed to have a husband who loved you so much...and I don't believe there's anything wrong with you still be weepy over your loss. It just reaffirms your great love.
I miss Mike too, and am looking ahead to the day when we will be together again- in God's time- since I still have my assignment to complete here. Be blessed today and know that HE has you in HIS arms...hugs...Jill

Lininsocal 06/21/2011

I am one year eight months today in my loss. I think in the time that has passed we adjust and live our days full of whatever we chose to fill them with. We do this relatively comfortably but when the "occasion days" arrive they bring with them a flood of memories that we aren't always able to escape . The emotional wave that we are hit with can be overwhelming. We see how far we have come but looking at our future years without them makes our hearts desire wistful.
I have hope for the future and if ever again someone special would cross my path I hope to be open to loving again. We each chose to be open or not. I do not feel that it is disrespectful to my husband's memory or the love we shared. For me, life is enhanced when shared.
I feel your pain in, I know it, I have those dark days when I miss him so much I can taste him. Wishing you a brighter week.
Linda

deleted_user 06/21/2011

It has been 4 years and I have made a life for myself that is okay not what I planned but in its own way going well still I have those weepy days when I just miss him so much it brings me too tears. I think I may always feel this way but that will be okay too as I never want him forgotten.

jerseydebbie 06/21/2011

I don't want mine ever forgotten either. I love to talk about him, and us, but I am noticing anymore where others are uncomfortable with it. I rather wish they embraced the conversation as much as I, not that I chatter about him all the time. My husband was 38 years of my life. Why anyone would expect me to shut the door, so to speak, is beyond me.

deleted_user 06/21/2011

I am 30 months on this very emotional journey..Lately I have noticed that I am regressing instead of progressing. I am not as weepy but thinking about him all the time. I also talk to him all the time sometimes in anger knowing full well he had no control over when his time was over for this life, then I apologize (sp). Grieving is really hard...After being married for 39 years and 11 months, to be alone now is to say the least empty.... As everyone says "YOU ARE DOING REALLY GOOD" yeah right catch me in the early morning hours when there is no one around. Hugs to everyone today
Sally

deleted_user 06/21/2011

Just cause- boy can I relate! I am only coming up on 5 months into this hourney, and to the 'outside world" all I hear is "you look great!" You are so strong!" wow! Look at you!" and all I want to do is tell them, that "you don't KNOW me anymore" You are not here in the morning, or late at night".

I hope in the next months that I will be better at the coping skills, and be able to have those good days I hear about. Have a feeling though that I will always miss him, and always think of the memories we shared, no matter what day it is.

the occasion days are the worst! hope for all of us for better tomorrows. Diane

jerseydebbie 06/21/2011

My niece asked if I should return to counseling, or start to take the antidepressants again. My reply - no and no. My counselor was an angel and the door is always open to return, but she forewarned me that I would have lows like this. She should know, as she has been widowed over 17 years, still on her own by choice. We related so well in so many aspects I know God hand choice that woman for me.

As far as the meds? Forget it.

Just listening to you all so far, it makes me feel better that what I am going through is normal. And I can also relate to I'm so strong and I look so good. Crawl inside me for 5 minutes - you'll change that opinion.

No one can ever understand what losing a loved one does to you.

deleted_user 06/21/2011

Debbie,

I'm just adding my two cents because I can relate as well. Sunday will be the 15-month anniversary of my wife's passing. I know I've made some progress, but the sense of loss can be overwhelming at times. Special days and holidays are especially rough. And only a couple of very special long-time friends are comfortable listening when I try to put hard-to-express feelings into words. My wife and I were very close. Anyone running into me when I was by myself would know Arlene was nearby or else I was running an errand on my way home from work.

Your past postings suggest you handle things as well as can be expected most of the time. I wish you the strength and support you need to get through days like this.

My best,
Jeff

marjoe 06/21/2011

Yes, Debbie - me, too. It's going to be three years in a week for me, and to the outside world, it's an eternity. To me, sometimes it's like it was yesterday. Was working Sunday, and talking to my employee (and close friend) and all of a sudden the waterworks started. She's the only, and I mean, the only person who's neck I can cry on. And I did. And it's been on and off for a couple of weeks. We miss them. It is what it is -

deleted_user 06/21/2011

Just six days shy of seventeen months and I think I am doing as well as can be expected. Father's Day I ran to the drugstore for a few items and saw several couples there......just laughing and shopping and happy.....it brought tears to my eyes seeing them and, for the first time in a long time, I was angry and jealous of their happiness. Spent the next several hours with a bad case of the blues. My bad moments and tears are fewer but when least expected......they still come. Like Marjoe said....we still miss them and that is the way it will always be.......

deleted_user 06/21/2011

It's been 18 months for me, and when I am alone,and sometimes in public, I still will feel tears slipping down my cheeks when something I see, hear ,smell, reminds me how it was with my husband. I just loved him so very much. I like to talk of the things, we said and did, funny little stories and what he thought about issues.
In this way he is with me, his wonderful spirit and what I learned from him is with me, always.

jerseydebbie 06/21/2011

Oh God, Marjoe. I think we are the War Horses here. Three years? It doesn't seem that long ago. I cry in private anymore because I don't believe anyone is comfortable to see me weep anymore. After all, for them it has been two years, and for me an eternity.

My one niece asked if I should return to the counselor or if I believed it had been too soon to stop the antidepressants. I said no to both questions. What is the counselor going to tell me that I don't already know, and as far as the pills, I was tired of swallowing them. The less junk I have in my system the better.

It's hard to accept that what you once where you no longer are which is a couple. I feel like a weirdo in a couple's world, which is why I mostly surround myself with unattached women anymore.

deleted_user 06/21/2011

Debbie, it's been a 3 1/2 yrs. for me. Getting down sometimes is just going to happen. I've been down more than usual lately getting ready for a move and downsizing. I've "adjusted" as best I can and the ongoing excruciating pain has eased. But... I still have those days or moments where there are tears. Like Diane said, sometimes seeing other couples our age or older gets to me - a reminder of what I am missing. Sometimes it's triggered by holidays, special occasions, changes that he will not see, or nothing at all - just happens. The granddaughter who misses him so much and never knowing the second granddaughter he would have been crazy about gets to me sometimes. He loved being "Paw". I am able to function better but the sadness of missing him and what would have been will always remain. I know I sounded like a downer but really look at how much we have all been through and how much stronger we are than we once thought. Having DS friends who understand means so much. Take care, Sandra

jerseydebbie 06/22/2011

I am so glad that I started this discussion. The support you all have provided is overwhelming, and your answers and insights are hitting the nail on the head. I will always continue to mourn what could have been, what I was and the life that we had. Richard was my one and only. There is no one else that I ever want to share my life with but him. I don't breath that to many, for it makes the eyeballs pop out and the tongue start wagging. But I can say it here, because it is automatically understood.

Thankfully DS is returning to the safe haven it is intended to be. At least I hope so anyway.

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