Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Tired of Doing it ALL ...

tpoulos
tpoulos
As I continue to have one problem after another trying to get my house put back together after a flood, the sadness and grief return as a I approach my 3rd year Anniversary, Sure I can do it all. I am doing it all. But as I sit here and feel so angry at my "DGI" friends, I just want to lash out, IF my husband were here, I wouldn't be looking for health insurance, trying to get a will/estate plan together, doing the taxes, paying the bills, maintaining 2 houses and trying to sell them, now delayed due to the water leak / flood. Overwhelmed and dealing with it all in my way and I will survive and get through this. I think part of my anger comes from my married friends not appreciating their spouses and realizing how fortunate
they are to have them . Thanks for listening this too shall pass , and I am very Grateful for what I do have , I feel like this is the only place I can share my feelings and be understood.
tpoulos
tpoulos
here's my advice to all married couples...

Appreciate your spouse and all that they do,
because one day they will be gone & YOU WILL realize all that they did....
deleted_user
deleted_user
Agree I tell people to let the ones you love how much you lopve them because we don't know how long we have them!! huggs
deleted_user
deleted_user
I felt like this before I lost Matt. I always have felt like you have to go through life with a partner. Life is too difficult to do it alone. Now I am convinced of this since he died. Even the smallest thing reminded me this week... when I filled out a form asking who to contact in case of an emergency. It brought me to tears because I really have no one. This world is not designed for people like us.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think that's one of the hardest parts of all of this--learning to do it "do it all". I hate it--but as you say--we will survive it---I don't have to like it though. Thanks for sharing. Hugs
lovie4ever
lovie4ever
I can so relate to what you're saying- my Rick had his own business, so I'm having to file taxes (which I know nothing about) our rental has a tenant that didn't pay this months rent and I'm going through legal matters with the business and I don't have health insurance ( so if you find a good one let me know) I am so worn down I feel I can't think straight, so I completely know how overwhelmed you feel. I know so many married people who don't appreciate their spouses, I never took anything for granted which makes me feel good. I think tackling one thing at a time is the only solution.
Hugs,
Christine
diamond47m
diamond47m
AMEN!!! took my husband for granted,after all he was suppose to live forever,but on 8-1-11 that changed,I tell all my married friends,appreciate every second
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
Being left with all lifes responsibilities is hard, no argument from me on that. I don't think our experience can be explained to those not going through what we experience is going to work. If expressing it helps you to feel better, it is okay to do. I just want you to understand, that your friends are not likely to heed your advise. One thing I became painfully aware of is my own lack of understanding when friends and even my mother lost husband (my dad). I was always a daddy's girl, but it didn't prepare me at all for losing my husband. We have suffered such a great loss it is impossible to express it acurately to anyone not in our shoes. Our friends can not 'get' this and it,isn't their fault. Sharon
deleted_user
deleted_user
This discussion hits so close to home. I tell people that there is nothing that gets close to this experience except maybe losing a child. Thank God, I haven't had that experience! You're right, they don't understand. However, I'm glad they don't get it, I don't want them to feel this way.

I have been very lucky with the people around me, but it is still so raw and so hard. Just a few days ago I just didn't want it to go on. I am tired of doing it all alone... Just doing all the chores, knowing that no one else will ever pickup that little piece of paper on the floor wore me down.

I wish I could make it easier for you cause I sure don't like it.
tpoulos
tpoulos
I don't wish this on my worse enemy, but i think what sets me off the most , is people that tell me what I should be doing..
deleted_user
deleted_user
Was feeling this very same way yesterday when I got a flat tire and didn't know how to change it. Got angry he wasn't there to help me and then sad that I never realized just how much he did to help. Then ended the night overwhelmed that it was so hard to do it all. Your not alone....I'm hoping that this passes for you soon. You have a lot on your plate and I wish I was closer to help you. ((HUGS))
deleted_user
deleted_user
Soon after his passing, I recognized this "division of labour" in a marriage. You don't realize what a team you are until you are missing half the team! I too am overwhelmed with all on my plate...some days it's easier to stay in bed than to face it ALL!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. My husband also had his own business, he was a contractor, and now I'm left trying to sell his equipment. He has so much stuff, and it is so hard. Don't know what most of the stuff, what it's worth, or how to go about getting rid of it, but at least his twin brother and a good friend of his is helping me a lot, but they are busy and have their own lives. Yes, it is overwhelming, but you will get through this. I just keep telling myself to take one day at a time, and someday it won't seem so overwhelming. Hugs!
deleted_user
deleted_user
HI, I am so sorry for loss and all the things you are doing on your own. I too feel that I can do things that need to be done, but some days just seem to be overwhelming. I have always felt bad when people didn't appreciate their spouse but after I lost mine it really bothers me so much more. It is hard to see couple together anyway, but when they do not treat them very nicely it is real real hard. I pray that you will have more good days than bad. I am thinking of you
Laura
cleodoggie
cleodoggie
In our marriage we had my jobs and his. We have good friends a couple and the guys used to laugh about how we would change the rules. Not quite so funny anymore. Well the rules definately got changed the day Jim died. Now everything is my responsibility. It's tough but I am proud of myself for being strong and getting things done. Even at 3 years 5 months I have lots of his tools and stuff to get rid of. I could use some help and if I don't get it I guess I will have to pay someone to help. At last the grief roller coaster has left and I am finally looking ahead. That doesn't mean it's easy.....
cadoggiemom
cadoggiemom
I hear you all and feel your frustration and exhaustion at having to "do it all". I especially related to Suzanne's comment about the emergency contact sheet. I was asked to fill out a new one at work six weeks ago, and it's still sitting in the back of my appointment book. I have asked a friend if I could list her, and she said yes, but it just doesn't feel right not being able to put my husband's name down. As far as doing the work of two people, I am overwhelmed and tired all the time. Having no head or frame of reference for the things my husband handled, I keep feeling that I'm missing something important but can't figure out what. Just having to jump up 20 times a day and let Lloyd's pee-pee challenged dog out is a major stressor. And you're all also right that we will survive. Is it wrong to want more than that?