Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
How do I go on knowing i will have to live the rest of my life without my love? It can be years and years. How will I do it? How do you think you will do it? I remember my mother saying of the loss of my dad, "what can you do"? It is what is and there's nothing that can change it.
I look at our place that my husband's hard working hands and mind and body built for us out of a piece of blank land. I look out at the back pasture and remember him looking through his binoculars to watch the deer and then we'd go out to the viewing area he made above ground to watch riders and horses in the arena outside, and we'd look over the pasture watching the deer run and play. He made our place beautiful. How can i go on without him for what may be a very long time? How are some of you coping with that thought?
I look at our place that my husband's hard working hands and mind and body built for us out of a piece of blank land. I look out at the back pasture and remember him looking through his binoculars to watch the deer and then we'd go out to the viewing area he made above ground to watch riders and horses in the arena outside, and we'd look over the pasture watching the deer run and play. He made our place beautiful. How can i go on without him for what may be a very long time? How are some of you coping with that thought?
The pain is overwhelming and memories both good and bad are so emotional they take your breath away.
I am glad my husband is no longer suffering as he had more than his share of suffering throughout his life, but at the same time i want him back. But healthy. And I know that's impossible but my mind tell me that's what i want and my heart tell me "I'm broken into pieces".
So i wish the best to all of you. I hope we all seek comfort from our closest ones when we need it and DON'T be shy about asking friend to help - cut the grass, fix something, tell them, I'll help you. But that you just need a helping hand for now and as time goes on you will learn more as you go along. I call my friends and ask and truly everyone that is truly concerned that is, has come to help me without a problem. I always work around their schedule of course but they are HAPPY to help. And i am right there helping with whatever i can do right along with them. I am not lazy and I want them to know I'm not just asking for favors, I am asking for real help.
My husband taught me alot in our 28 years together having a ranch and livestock and i find i learned more than i realized once i tried doing some things he did, like drive the tractor, take care of the horses daily, now i am getting cows delivered today so they can eat up the grass that's growing out of control in the pasture. So i am not lazy like I said, i am trying on my own and many time I'll call a good friend and ask, i want to do this with the tractor any advice other than what Don (husband) has shown me, in case I have forgotten?
Most of the time it's you can do it, just be careful. My hubby taught me ,his words" with this equipment if it hits you , you don't just bruise, you DIE" so be careful. And i take it to heart now like you wouldn't believe.
Take care everyone. Remember what your spouse has shown you when you weren't even paying attention, but it's there in your memory.
Please any of you, feel free to write directly to me. Just know my busy schedule , I don't get on the site but once or twice a week. So don't think I am ignoring you. :)
Bye for now.
As for me, once I got all of this house stuff down during the last year, I'm now with a bum leg this spring and can't operate the machinery or clean the pool or whatever chores. Back to square one, learning to ask for help once again. It's hard to be a gracious receiver, hard for me to ask for help . . . but I'm learning it's okay. It's not just about me, but about others' also.
So many lessons on this twisted ride of ours. The point is to learn from them and grow. I don't want to do repeats of this course, so doing my darnedest to try to get it right. I know you are too.
In closing, much love to you and know I'm very proud of your progress! xo, D
finding a little easier to put one foot in front of the other and just get on with the process of living.I do find getting out helps a lot. I retired 3 years ago but have started back to work one day a week and a watch and visit with my kids and grandkids. I try to do one thing social a week and that is more difficult as being around couples makes me so sad. I am really trying not to dwell on what was my life, that just sends me into a deep spiral of pain. I try to remember all of the good memories and leave it at that. Easier said then done. This forum is really helping me realize that i am not alone in the journey and that is huge, so thanks a bunch and hugs for all!
I don't mean to sound flippant, I am still in deep sorrow and miss Arlene terribly. She wouldn't want me to have an incomplete life without her. We knew she was 8 1/2 years older than me, and she would age earlier. We never talked about who might die first. I think most couples don't talk about that subject.
A couple of months ago someone I met interested me romantically. I wasn't looking for "someone new" it just happened. The relationship didn't go further than one pleasant lunch date, for many reasons. Probably a good thing, and my daughter told me that I carry a lot of baggage. But the possibility of finding someone else seems possible, and just that gives me hope that I will not have to live the rest of my life alone. I was shocked that I could have feelings like that, after my heart was broken by Arlene's death.
My mother never got over my father, her first husband. She divorced him when I was little, because he acted a little crazy. He probably had Bipolar Disorder, something I inherited. He self-medicated with alcohol, and he died when I was 17. My mom married again, and divorced again. She always spoke about my father like he was the love of her life. After her 2nd divorce she traveled a lot. Divorce isn't the same as death, but there are some similarities.
Your husband would want you to be happy and have a fulfilling life, whatever that means to you. That does not mean forgetting him or disrespecting his memory. A flip of the coin meant he died before you. If it was the other way around, what would be your wishes for him?
In an old NCIS rerun, at the end of the show Mark Harmon made a comment and I wrote it down and read it every day because I think it fits our situations so well: You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you. Joseph Campbell
I just last evening went to our archery club's banquet. The women asked me about being alone. I said it was lonely but at this age when I think of finding someone new. I gave example of how I almost puked when a friend became too friendly. Just can not see it in the cards but that does not mean somehow somewhere we can not all be surprised. It would be nice to have a friend to go places, do things because loneliness is lonely.
And I do wonder what and where does life go from here? With my husband I just felt comfortable letting it go as it happened - wonder why with someone vs just being alone? For me cause if there is a mistake someone shares it and supports you. That's what is sad.
Decisions alone are not as comfortable. Sigh
If I was younger I might not feel this way. BUT regardless not knowing how you are going to do something it is amazing how much strength you find you do have when you have no choice. Each step that amazes you as you go forward you get stronger.
But gosh darn it I thought I would grow older with someone by my side.
Some of the things you said hit home with me.
I started to fill out a Match.com but didn't. The sight has my email and they send me local guys looking for?? I read the posts, thought maybe someone because I am so loanly.. But just compare them to Ray. I too would like someone just to hang with no strings..maybe it would be easier to go the long slow route and eventually I'd think differently.
"and I wonder where does life go from here?"-"wonder why with someone vs being alone" Gosh I too have thought that, why is it so important to have "someone" and not do it alone? I guess like you it's the support we miss. The talking about "things" and knowing the other person has your back.
Funny one thing I really miss, I travel for my work, part time, 600-800-1200 mile drives, one way. If Ray didn't go with me we would talk many times a day and when I got to the motel we'd talk instead of watching TV. We always had so much to talk about even after 25 yrs together. He was such an interesting person. Now no one care if I even get to my destination..oh well life now is what it is.
I too thought that I would grow old with someone by my side,
Hugs,
Val