Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Things People Say

Foreverbroken
Foreverbroken

Is it just me or do you all get sick of hearing people say things over and over.  First, everyone keeps telling me how strong of a woman I am and how well I'm handling things and how well the kids are doing.  Okay, so yes, I go to work and they go to school and we have somewhat resumed our "normal" activities but that doesn't mean we're doing well and everything is fine.  They don't see that I don't sleep at night or that it takes everything I have to get ready in the morning to leave the house or that if I didn't have my kids to care for that I would probably drink every day to numb the pain and I'm not even a drinker.  The last thing I feel is strong.  If anything I'm surviving, not living.  I'm also sick of seeing people give me those "looks" like "oh you poor thing".  My favorite is "how are you doing".  Please if I really told you, you would go running and think I was crazy or I would depress you and you would avoid me.  My answers are all the same "I'm good; I'm fine; I'm healing (blah, blah, blah)".  +




I know some people mean it and really care and might not know what to say but others I just want to go away from us.  It's only been 63 days since he died and I was injured.  It's hard enough to get through the loss but to physically be healing from injuries as well on top of things it makes it even more difficult. Since his death I've had to get out of the hospital, console our children, plan his memorial and I've had my 1st Christmas without him, my 1st New Years, my 1st anniversary without him (it was our 19th), and my 1st Valentine's without him, all in 63 days.  I just want to scream "how do you think I am and unless you've been through it you have no idea what I'm feeling".  



I think the only time I find peace and feel like I'm might be okay is when I speak to others who have been through it.  A lady at work stopped to talk to me and she lost her husband 7 years ago.  She knew exactly what I felt and knew that just because I say something like "I really just want to curl up and cry and join him because I miss him so much", that I'm not lossing my mind and thinking of hurting myself.  I'm just expressing myself.  I'm not going to do something that would cause more harm to my children.  I'm just hurting.  



Oh an don't get me started on those that tell me "It's all a part of God's plan".  Look, I know God has a plan.  I am faithful and I trust in Him.  I don't blame Him and I'm not turning away from Him but even He knows I'm hurting and those kind of comments aren't helpful in a time like this.  People act like if you are a christian that you should just bounce back like it's all good God's got this.  Well, even as a christain I'm hurting and not understanding and even questioning at times.  AND guess what?  God's okay with that. 


Jdhayes
Jdhayes
You have hit the nail on the head with this post! I have heard the same things, but people don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I hold back the tears and screams until I get home and then it all comes out. It has been 16 weeks for me tomorrow and I know how you feel. I have no children at home and most times when people ask...I just say that I am OK and leave it that. For now, that is all that I can say and feel....is that I am just OK. It does help to come on here and realize that I am not in this alone. Keep coming back as I do and reading posts. ((Hugs)) for you.
Unique
Unique
I understand completely. Monday will be 4 months since my husbands sudden passing. What I try to do is give people who say the wrong things the benefit of the doubt - they mean well they just don't know how to articulate it. My standard reply is "I'm doing the best I can" which is really true. I too have been asked if I was thinking about hurting myself because I was so distraught at the time. I would never consider doing that because of my children. Your much more forgiving towards God. I've yelled and screamed at him and my therapist says God understands and still loves me. I hate the looks too along with the word widow. We will adjust to the loss but I don't believe ever "get over" it. I think the gapping whole in my heart (which at times I swear I can physically feel) will eventually become smaller. Peace and hugs to you. May your find comfort knowing there are others who feel the same way you do.
AAA236
AAA236
Ditto, every word!! It's 2 and a half months for me. Yep, cant sleep at night. Getting up every morning is an accomplishment, but I do it because my son needs his mother. Do I want to curl up in a hole and join him? Yes!! and the God thing, heard it as well and no, it does not make the excruciating pain better. I'm with you, no one but those of us who are going through this gets it. Many hugs to you.
Foreverbroken
Foreverbroken
Nice to know it's not just me. Sometimes I feel alone in the way I feel. Yes, night is like my own personal Hell. I agree, I hate the word widow. The first time I was asked my marital status at a Dr appt. I stood there staring at the girl and she read them off and I finally answered through tears. It all sucks.
ChrisForeverLove
ChrisForeverLove
I am really honest when people ask. If someone says, how are you doing? I may say something like "pretty bad but right now I am in a coping moment". I don't know, it feels better for me when I tell the truth. I have told people "I am living a nightmare" or "the pain gets unbearable" and then add something like "but this is how grief goes". I may even give a small smile after those comments because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. But I can't say I am "ok" when I don't feel that way. Usually, most people don't seemed shocked with my honesty. I actually think they understand that this is the way you feel when you experience such a great loss. At this point, I am learning how to hold back the tears until I have some privacy to let it all out but still sometimes I just can't help it when talking with someone and that's ok.
Mamza
Mamza
This truly sucks! I m grateful to have found all of you. At least I know you get this. My hubby passed 2 months ago and its a daily struggle. The pain is nothing I have experienced before. Thank you for kind and encouraging words. I'll try these answers when I'm asked the dreaded question, "how are you doing". I am so sorry for your loss.
shelda
shelda
I am getting panic attacks now. It comes and goes off and on now for the last couple of weeks. Almost been 1 year since mine died. March 03. The day my everything i have ever known ended. Now almost a year later i have learned to Pray and Pray and Breathe..try to empty my mind..a bird started to sing yesterday morning i saw this as a blessing and am Grateful. Am so glad Spring is almost here so i can get out again. My address book is pretty much empty now except for a couple. Starting a new life without him is the hardest thing i have ever done and am not even there yet. Going to get working asap and see if that helps this brain. Never stops thinking...
Foreverbroken
Foreverbroken
Do any of you live near St. Louis.
trisheil
trisheil
Yes I hated the people that said I was strong. And I didn't want people to feel sorry for me even though many times I feel sorry for myself. And the how are you I could tell if people meant it or not and the ones that did those words would easily bring me to tears.
MrsLfromTX
MrsLfromTX
Foreverbroken,
Oh I know. I believe it's the anger we feel and the stress of it all and it's barely been anytime for you at all and you still have so much to do. It gets old. You want to hear more like I know you are hurting I want you to know I am thinking of you. Or I wish I could help and know I cant' but let me help in another way and really mean it and show up and help.
I felt like that too. In fact I wanted to hear more about my husband and how he's gone and not that I am strong. What does that mean?? I am strong because I am still alive? People really don't get it. And I know what you feel. It takes a lot of time to get through these things. My husband was in the military for 20 years. It took my a year to get through all the phone calls and paperwork and notifications of his death to the different departments. That was so stressful but I dug into it because I didn't want to think of his death. Then when that year was gone I felt like was a full year behind and my grief hadn't even started.
Talk to your doctor tell him what you posted. Print it and let him read it. My doctor has helped me tremendously. He suggest a counselor after I told him I was struggling and it was not 2 years. I could tell he was worried about me. He put me on medication and I went to see the counselor right after seeing him. I saw her 3 time and she left to work elsewhere so now I need to find another. It helped, with her it did. She listened and that's what I needed someone to LISTEN and not give me instructions , just help me along and hear me out because sometime all you want to do is talk about your loved one you miss so much.. It really can make you feel better . It's like you want them to be recognized for what happened to them. Listen to your story and how you felt and what you saw etc. Just a good ear to be there when you need some time to get a few things off your chest.
Well that's what this site is all about.
Just keep coming back. I wish the best outcome for all of you, you your kids and your life.
And t me as well it's not Gods plan. My husband got cancer. I don't think God gave him cancer.
I think cancer HAPPENED. And God doesn't swoop down to cure you. He watches and yes he know when it's our time but its the part of life at some point everyone will have to experience.
Take care. Feel free to write. I get one once in a while on the site. but I think i'd like to start coming back more often. I can help others like you, at least I can try.
Letty
Incomplete
Incomplete
I am new here I lost my husband January 30,2017 and you have expressed exactly how I am feeling.
Sophia2002
Sophia2002
Oh I needed to read this. It's been three months and all off your post is EXACTLY how I feel. Thank you thank you for expressing what I couldn't/didn't write or say. I sometimes can't even answer the " how are you question". I just ignore it. Because all I want is to say the truth, but that would not be good for either me or the innocent party asking the typical question.
Suz1491
Suz1491
Everything you said, is exactly how I feel, it's only been 5 months and seems like forever. I too am tired of saying, " I'm fine" "I'm okay", kids are the same. Some days I want to scream at them, I lost the love of my life how the f do you think I'm doing!!! But I don't.
Suzanne
Brave1Atl
Brave1Atl
I haven't been on here much lately. My husband died of cancer 66 days ago. He died less than 12 weeks after he was diagnosed. We had this incredibly happy life and BAM - we were absorbed into cancer hell and then hospice, before we even knew what hit us. It's all still so raw. I'm trying to run a business, help my sons with their grief, and take care of my mother in law, and help her deal too - all when I'd rather just stay home and cry.
I so wish all of you who've replied in this string, lived near me/each other. It seems so difficult to find people who really get it, like all of you clearly do!!
Thank you for this incredible message and the replies. I needed this tonight - BADLY!
mickyboy
mickyboy
Thank god I found this site thought it was me on my own trying to deal with all this crap, feel like some of you just won't to curl up in the corner and cry forever, yes also feel the hole in my heart doesn't get any smaller as for friends well there seem to dropping of one but one don't hear from them anymore, are there going to catch something from me it hurts.
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