I have and still think about it. Where would he be at this point compared to where I am now. I don't know why I think about it. I just tell myself as horrible as his death was I would never want him to feel the pain I have gone through, I don't think he could have handled it the way I have. His pain is over and mine continues and I loved him so much that I am glad he will never have to experience what we are all going thru. I hope this makes since

f roles were reversed here. He would have been put in a nursing home, same day. . I am the only one that fought to keep him out. The kids waned him in one. Also, his mind was gone So, he wouldn't realize what was going on, or why he was abanded. It was a blessing that he went first. He was able to die with a little bit of dignity.

Lol, autocorrect fail for keonip ( sense ).

This is a topic that I considered long ago. To be honest I think we have no idea how it would be for them.

In my case my wife had cancer for 10 years - had 180 chemo treatments, had a brain tumor removed, 1/4 of her lungs, 1/3 of her liver ( which grows back )' one foot of her colon - plus all the side effects of the chemo. If the roles were reversed, I'm not sure I could handle what she did on that front. You don't know until you have to do it.

On the after I would have died part - assuming she had my good health, she would be ok. She would be clueless about a lot of physical stuff - changing air filters, the water shutoff to the house, anything to do about the car ( lol ). But she was always about relationships. She worked hard to build and nurture relationships with all family members ( also our extended family ).

She coached me for the last several years, telling me that I would have to nurture the relationships when I was the one left. So she would always encourage me to engage people ( yeah, constructive criticism ) when I did not feel like it. As a result I'm getting better at it - at least I know the importance.

But when I look at it, of course she would have handled it better. She was way ahead of me in the relationship department. I think that is one of the reasons I am still here - I have a ways to go in that department, so I'm forced to work on it all the time.

I've thought about it. Mike was horrible at managing finances. Other people have told me that he couldn't have made it like me. That he wasn't as strong as I am. I don't believe that for a second. He would have been fine. It would have been tough for him. He might not have paid all the bills. But, I am not perfect either and I think he would have managed better in some ways than I have. Such as parenting a teen. He definitely would have handled that better. The pain- he would have managed better. I'm at 9 months and I am finally doing ok. Really ok. He would've been emotionally ok much sooner. Around 3 months, I think.

This is something I think about many times. I know I would have been very reluctant to let go, knowing I would have been leaving my wife to face this life alone. I know my wife was also very concerned for me, I was here biggest concern. Towards the end I tried my best to make my wife feel more at ease when I realized I was the reason for her not wanting to pass. We talked many times about what I would do after she had passed. Obviously I had no idea of everything I went through and everything I am going through after my wife passed. It is hard, but I know my wife would have been able to handle many things that I still have problems facing. My wife was very focused in everything she done - not a procrastinator like I am, she would get right to the source of the problem and solve it as soon as possible. I also know my wife would have had great support from all her family and friends, they all support me the best that they can so I know they would have been there for her if I was the one that had passed first.

I talked with my SIL about this a few months ago. I thought that my husband would have managed better. She felt the he would not have. She said that he would have went to bed and never got up. She said that emotionally he was drained. He had a BIL, niece, sister and brother that has died in the last year and 1/2. She said he would not have coped. So I am not sure. Emotionally and physically I would do better. I have friends, and I exercise, I can pay bills . He would have done better with all fixes in the house, decision making and he also had his friends and family.

My husband was pre-occupied with dying. ran to drs the whole 50 years, trying to find something wrong with him. he really never has done anything for himself. I always waited on him. he never paid bills. he just never grew up. I know this sounds bad, but it is what it is....

I have thought about that in the past. Truthfully I think she would have struggled even more than me. Although she had tremendous inner strength she was always relunctant to reach out for help and I think in this journey you have to do that to heal on some level. Im glad she didnt have the year I had she suffered more than enough in her own way. Both of us were the losers in this situation. We suffered in our individual ways. The only comfort I have is I know she is at peace now. Gerald

In the few conversations we had on the topic, my husband always said that he "would wander around like a lost soul" if I were to die first. Nevertheless, I think he would have done better than I am doing. I depended on him for so much -- emotionally and physically.

For one thing, I have health issues (COPD, shortness of breath), and he drove me to work and did all of the heavy lifting. I am finding it so hard without him.

Also, he was a much more social person t han I am; he was funny and made friends everywhere. He made me laugh and brought light into my life. I, on the other hand, tend to be somewhat introverted and pessimistic. I whined at him a lot -- about a lot of things. He often joked, "Can you be a little more negative, please?" Now, when I am feeling really bad, I try to recall his humor and the brightness he brought to my world for 50 years; but it is so hard without his actual, reassuring presence.

The one thing I know as I contemplate the question is that I was indeed fortunate to have had him as my husband. I am not sure what my life would have been without him.

DorothyJoan

I feel my wife would have handled the mental side better than I am. She was strong that way, didn't dwell on things and didn't worry about things she couldn't change. She would have struggled to maintain the house, yard cars etc.she also had the stronger faith which would helped her.
Russ

I have thought about this too. If my wife's passing meant that she didn't have to experience the amount of pain I and all of you have felt because of our loss, then I guess I thankfully take the pain for her. I guess I kinda consider it my last gift to her.My wife was a very strong person, but also our love was great. I believe she would have grieved as hard as I have, and I wouldn't have wanted her to go through this.

I have thought about this too. My kids seem to thinks that she would not have done as well as I have, relitively speaking, She was the one that held the family together and also made friends very easily, I'm more the introvert, I can't cook so I don't eat well but we both knew how to handle money and she would have had my son to help around the house. Other than emotionally I think she would have done better than I. But we'll never know that now will we.
I also would not want her to have to go throught this at all now she is at peace so that is a good thing.
Best to you,
Jeff

My wife who passed 7 weeks ago DID go through this when her first husband passed years ago. If I went first in this marriage she would have had to have gone through it twice. OMG. I can't imagine even going through this once yet I am.

I always worried about it when John was alive. he needed me to keep him out of trouble lol. he was so adventurous and had trouble staying in the lines. I always made him promise he would behave if I went first. but really he couldn't have done it. he didn't talk to anyone anymore. he would casually but no long term relationships. he just didn't care much for people. so he would have been left alone to raise our son. my family would have helped him...but my husband couldn't handle stress...bad or good stress. I always told him he had to go first since he was the oldest...I just never imagined he would be so young and it would happen so sudden. he told me if he ever went that I would be ok. I am trying...but its much harder than he thought it would be for me. John always said I was his angel. I don't like either option of us going, but this would have been to much for him.

I wondered about it, then my sons set me straight and declared that if I had died first instead of Cliff that they would have been "screwed" - their term - because he never would have been able to handle it. He was a brilliant and extraordinary man, but not capable of coping with many things. He was a recovering alcoholic - clean and sober 20 years when he passed - but I don't know if he could have coped without falling off the wagon again.

I guess it's like Jeff was saying, that we took the pain for them. I just wish it hadn't been so danged soon! 55 was too young.

Love and Hugs,
Martha