Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members
19,465 Posts
0 Online
Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Repeating the Timeline

laurabp
laurabp
Those of you who have been widowed for a few years may be able to relate to this - every few years the date rolls around where it matches the original date and day of the week of your loss. This year it is happening to me and it really bothering me. I lost my husband Stan on Friday, December 5, 2008; he was in the hospital for a week before he died and Thanksgiving was our last holiday together. Every year since then I have had to get past Dec 5 to feel like decorating and preparing for Christmas, but I am especially having a hard time this year; seems like I just keep re-living that last week in my mind every day. I mentioned it to a couple of friends but they just don't "get it", so I gave up expecting anyone to understand. I know that you people here get it, and I just needed to be able to talk about it to someone. For those of you who are newly widowed, my deepest sympathy and believe me when I say that it does get better with time. However, we never seem to "get over it" and the holidays are hard. Thanks for "listening" everyone.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
Laura, I found the 5th anniversary particularly hard, so I don't know if it is because of the day or if it was because 5 years seems like another milestone, but I had a hard time of it. I tried to be positive in my thinking for it, and decided to ask my family for one positive story to share with my sons about their father. I got a raft of s**t instead about how I needed to move on and stop wallowing. Yeah, me - despite all the frickin "moving on" I had already done. Anyway, I am sorry you are having a hard time this year, and I do 'get it.' I hope after the 5th at least you will be feeling better, and I hope you bounce back quickly. Were you going to try to do anything special about the day this year? I tried to, maybe you would have better luck with it. Just a thought....

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
I'm sorry - I got lost in all those "5s" and thought you meant it had been 5 years. My bad. It's late here, sorry....
laurabp
laurabp
Thanks Martha. The only thing I have thought of so far to do for the day is to lock myself away, not answer any phone calls and just grieve all over again - but I don't really think that would be very productive. Doing something positive in his memory would be a good idea though; thanks for the suggestion.
laney77
laney77
Sometimes i wonder if those of us who are counting years now instead of months feel that we can no longer express our grief? Good for you Laura for saying we are still hurting, we are grieving, we have taken huge steps forward but there are times, days when it hits us hard and we need to be able to express it without judgement. Peace to you on Friday and the days before and after. Lori
letmehelpyou
letmehelpyou
I don't know if the anniversary ever gets better. My boyfriend thought he might forget this year because he was so busy. Nope, it hit him like a ton of bricks. I no longer dread it, but it is never ever a good day. You progress but I don't know how much you ever "move on". You continue to live and love, find joy where you can and occasionally wail to the sky "Why?" I do understand and hope that you bounce back quickly.
ohsolost
ohsolost
Laura,

I'm 2 months short of my 3rd year and - yes - I can relate. As others have mentioned, the pain eases with time but - forget? Never! It's that wound that never quite heals and, every now and then, reminds us that it's still there. THEY are still there - or, rather, still here with us. I remind myself that this is not a bad thing. I loved so very deeply and that love was absolutely reciprocated. And, THAT is a good - wonderful! - thing. So, I let myself feel the sadness and shed the tears. That is my way of honoring my dear husband.

Hoping you find your comfort and sending...

Hugs,

Terry
alliepoo
alliepoo
People who haven't lived this have no idea what we go through and seem to think we should be better after a year. I am at 22 months and still get thrown back often and know the pain will always be there, it just isn't as raw.
Rainbow27
Rainbow27
I am only coming up on 9 months. Even that takes me back that I made it this far. You are so right, most people don't get it at all or in the least. Everyone is asking what I am doing for the holidays - Everyone moving on... Today I found some pictures I took just about one year ago. After an oncologist appointment, we took a quick drive to the beach area. It was a warm, sunny, windless perfect beach day. My husband walked the beach near the water, I snapped pictures. He gave a thumbs up in one photo. He was not well at all, but that day he seemed to rally and able to walk well and it was a memory I shall treasure in my heart. My husband passed on a Sunday afternoon and my heart always seems to think of him at that time. Much peace to all...
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
Don died the Friday before Father's Day which was June 15th that year. It is permanently etched in my brain and makes Father's Day harder for us. Yes, I do understand your feelings and although the time spent year after year going through the motions of that day does lessen the pain it is always remembered. Next year will be 8 Father's Days and each one is different than the last. I am no longer hibernating, waiting for the day to end, but still remember the past while living in the present. No one else can possibly understand that either. No words to describe these feelings to someone innocent to the loss of so much. Sharon
laurabp
laurabp
Thank you all so much for your support and a big hug to all of you!
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe
Laura - it happened for me this past year - and it was eerie. I was following the time line in my mind as you've described. I couldn't seem to stop it. Oy. It's painful, always, there's no getting around it. I hope you can find some peace within tomorrow - Hugs, Marsha
nowjustme
nowjustme
I was just thinking about this tonight. I am at 3 yrs and 3 months and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Its harder for some reason, to keep on keeping on. One day is the same as the one before. When oh when will it get better or "normal" again?
DJ110
DJ110
It will be 5 years this month. It does not feel like it at all. I have done this alone since everyone left after the funeral. It is so hard and lonely. I don't celebrate the holidays any more. No one gets it like you said. I miss us so much.
Silee
Silee
Celebrate his Life Laura, be sad if you miss him. It is hard loosing a soul mate. I have lost the most wonderful man in my life in October 2014.
Everything brings back memory of him. I cry a lot. People say it will get better. But I think you will always miss your beloved. I am glad you posted how you are feeling. Thanks for sharing.
Stan was good to you and that makes the loss as hard as it is. My husband grand-mother lost her husband 20 years before she passed on. She always miss him around the time he died (mother's day)
We cannot forget our love one. You will always remember those special times. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. He may not respond to you in words but you will hear him in your heart.
Lots of positive energy from me to you Laura.
laurabp
laurabp
Thank you everyone for your feedback. It helps to know I am not alone.