Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Alrighty - so I have been unable to log onto this site from home lately...and I really miss it, and the people here...I found another site that I can log onto yybb...well-so, I have shared some stories (actually I have had a very emotional couple of weeks, and lets face it, these sites help us to know we are not alone...) so yesterday, I got a message from someone at that other site...it turns out to be a man (no idea how old he is) and....he is like 20 miles away from me...we chatted a bit before I realized how close he was...I started to get really creeped out...What have I shared?? I know I have mentioned how alone I am - it is part of me biggest problem and the reason why I turn to these sites...I do not want to join a church, or go to group therapy...I am one of those "people pleaser" types... I try to always be nice to people (even when the bother me) because I don't want to hurt their feelings...this has an unfortunate side...many people take this as flirtation...I attract (and always have attracted) strange people... My Norm was the type to get rude so he could easily keep strange people away from me (and I DO NOT mean that in a bad way)...Prime example - My mom lives in a senior home (I call it the "Granny Stacker", it is rent controlled and some of the tenants are younger, on disability or whatever) there is a guy there, I have no idea how old he is, but I know he is, probably a little younger than me...well lets just say..."slow"...well, he has given me his phone number and now I see he waits for me in his car in the parking lot when I go to check on my mom after work... (I got my schedule, and it is so important that I stick to it rite now)...he's harmless, but I find myself getting short with him, and he's starting to get on my nerves, everyday its "hello beautiful", and I ignore it and talk about the weather as I keep walking to the building...then he say's "you should call me" - Well-that AIN'T gonna happen!! So - anyway getting back to me original story here - this guy messaged me, and is geographically really close...a little too close for me...I am not one of those "meet someone on line" people...I am more like the "OMG-He could have someone chained up in basement" type....although I am a people pleaser - I NEVER let anyone get to close...I always keep people at a distance, I don't give out my phone number, and try to be vague about where I live ect.ect. and I am also not a "hey lets hang out" type of person - especially in my current state of mind...The only one I hung out with or really let into my life was Norm...I have no thoughts of letting anyone in that close...Then I started thinking about all the things we share & vent about on these sites...WOW!! we are at a vulnerable state, and we are letting it all out there - making us an easy target for someone to take advantage of....Although it is helpful and therapeutic, we could really be putting ourselves into a bad situation...this guy says he is a web-designer, and goes to the gym (which I hate to be so cynical but I think that could mean he sits in a basement playing video games, trolls for lonely people and probably hangs out at McDonalds Jungle Gym...for lunch every day!!) Now this could all just be a coincidence, but I noticed he has never posted or commented on the site...hhhmmm...he talked about "being there to support one another", but only after I mentioned I was not up to any kind of face to face meeting....So what do you think??? Am I just so broken down and paranoid that I am blowing this outta proportion?? Or would any of you be concerned?? I will admit, I know I get anxiety issues if I have to go any further than the grocery store...so its pretty huge for me to do anything out of my normal routine...therefore I may just be making something outta nothing...but with no one to protect me, I feel very uncertain of the outside world...it's weird-because I work in town, with the public...but I have the safety of being under the "work umbrella" outside of that I am totally scared...
And any suggestions on why I cannot log into this site at home would be appreciated as well!!
Thanks to you all-
Peace & love
And any suggestions on why I cannot log into this site at home would be appreciated as well!!
Thanks to you all-
Peace & love
I've had a very similar situation this last couple of weeks but not with someone I met on line but with a guy that goes to my local gym. I have been a member there for years and it's actually how I met my fianc 4 years ago. Anyway, about a year or so ago, this guy kept coming over and trying to talk to me and I was always polite - like you a people pleaser. I thought nothing of it back then and used to tell my Adrian how irritating this guy was. I don't know if he knew I was engaged as I didnt wear my ring for the gym and Adrian went at different times so he wouldn't have seen us together. Also, I never really had much to talk to him about (just the weather) so it never came up in conversation.
Anyway, I have a few close friends at the gym who know me and Adrian well and after he died in April, people obviously found out through word of mouth (I live in a very small town!). I went back to the gym a few weeks ago to try and help me sleep and everyone was lovely and stopped and asked how I was. Anyway, this irritating guy came over and chatted and that night requested me as a friend on Facebook. Stupidly, I thought nothing of it and accepted him. Now every time I log on he sends me messages asking how I am and if I want to meet up. It got so bad that I stopped replying to his messages and then eventually deleted him on Tuesday. I was worried at first that I might have hurt his feelings but now I don't care. He wasn't a friend of mine before and he certainly wasn't a friend of my Adrian. It made me realise that I am vulnerable and people will prey on me at this difficult time. I believe that it is a rare few though and the majority of people are genuine. I was always a good judge of character before and I hope one day my judgement will come back. I realised this guy was a creep pretty quick. My advise would be never give out personal information that will enable someone to find you and certainly never meet up with anyone you have met while you are so vulnerable. I am not saying never do it in the future, but if you do, I would pick a woman of a similar age who you can discuss things with. A man might have a hidden agenda. Please continue to share on this site as it is helpful but stay safe and don't reveal to much specific information.
Take care,
x
p.s. I have problems logging on both at work and at home but it seems to resolve if I try later so I am not sure what the problem is but I don't think it's with you.
If you don't have a dog maybe should get one. I know I feel alot safer with mine. She scares strangers and I like that. She's really not dangerous but I'll bet she would protect me. (Roby always said the dog would kill for me but take the intruder straight to him, lol) We've had alot of robberies here in town (very small town) and in my job I piss people off sometimes and everyone knows I'm alone now. I do have my husbands guns but don't want to go there, not comfortable with that.
But we have to be smart and protect ourselves.
People pleasing by nature, I have said to people that think I am over and in need, "I'm sure your nice but right now I toss daily between suicide and homicide. You are taxing my patience." It's effective.
Recently at a tag sale, met a regular. I said this because of the following me around the sale. But said it as I was checking out some swords for props in my photos. lol
I would be very wary of the guy who is basically stalking you, he is showing signs of great concern. Perhaps you should notify the police so that they at least have it on file. Write down his licence plate number and give that information to the police. This may be something that he does often to many people, you never know.
As for the internet site guy, again, sounds like he is trouble, especially since he doesn't even post anything on the site. I think you are completely right about him.
We all have to be careful out there.
That is why we get these cryptic user ids, and other safeguards to make it difficult for the scammers.
I must admit that I loved the suggestion to mention a big dog and accuracy at shooting weapons, lol.
I know it is best to be vague as to where you live, particularly if you live in a small community. The danger is less obvious if you live in a large city. There will always be people preying on vulnerable individuals, on the net or in everyday life. Vulnerable or not, it is always good to have a firm stance as to what your limits are.
Jewels, I like your ideas. It made me laugh.
If you need more information on this topic go to the help link on the upper right of your profile page. There is multiple ways to protect yourself here beginning with setting your preferences to "friends only" This gives you the ability to decide who reads your postings.
Sharon
One of the big reasons DS created the CL role was to help to keep DS as safe as possible. I know the site you mentioned, I am not a member there, but whether here or there, it pays to be cautious.
There are people who will try to take advantage of you while you are vulnerable. I was inundated with sales calls for security systems after Cliff died. I think they read through the obits to find us. Each time I would just tell them I already had a security system and thanked them but no. I am pretty sure several were just scoping me out for a burglary or worse.
I am not a gun person, but in the States I had pepper spray which I kept on the nightstand. I can't get that here in England, but I keep a can of wasp spray instead. It is not as powerful as pepper spray, but will help incapacitate or at least slow down any intruder so you can get away. One more of those things I never wanted to think about....
Most people are harmless, but you do need to be careful. And as stated, if you run into problems here, please report them. Your report may help prevent somebody else being taken in who isn't as diligent or vigilant.
Love and Hugs,
Martha, Co-CL for Widows & Widowers
Hugs....
The world is such a big scary place to me now...
Thanks again!!!
BIG HUGS to you all!!
As a rule, I never meet with people in widow groups. It's sad, because I'd really like to meet people from this group. But how can you tell who is a nut and who is not. I don't even admit to being a widow unless I know the person well. That means no physical widow/widower groups for me and yes I use a different name than my real one and I've turned of the geolocator feature of my phone after reading that people can find where you are just by receiving a picture from you.
Sounds paranoid? I think not. It's the world we live in.
I would not hesitate in going to one of those groups. A good friend of mine became a widow only weeks after my wife died. She came to the meeting with me ( cleared it with the moderator first ) and it was helpful for her ( it was only two weeks after he had passed ).