Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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cavahoo1215 12/17/2017

Hello All,

I feel a bit like Im hijacking this forum but I dont know where else to turn. I myself am not a widower however I am madly in love with and soon to be marrying a widow. I feel love for her that I never knew existed. She is an amazing woman and I am so thankful to have her in my life. She has always made me feel special and never makes me special and I have never doubted for a second that she is happy that we are together.

My problem is that from time to time things come up regarding her past that bother me. When things come up Im never sure if they are normal or if Im just being an insecure ass. I bring my own baggage to the table. I went theough a divorce last year and the Daily Strength site was very helpfull for me.

I can not find any support groups for men marrying or married to widows. It would be nice to have a place to vent in order to avoid hurting her or keeping it bottled up.

So Im sorry if this is not the appropriate place for this Im just looking for some suggestions on where else to go.

michellebrand 12/18/2017

I am in a new relationship and will honestly answer any question you throw out there. My hubby passed 20 months ago... Today.... Most of the group that I have seen are pretty fresh and raw widows.. Not sure how long it's been for your lady.. Let me know.

shewearsblack17 12/18/2017

I am a widow 2x. My last hubby passed a year ago, but he was a widower as well whenever we got married. I think I recently mentioned something about the "baggage" in another post that I may have deleted. Unfortunately we did have some baggage in the mix - both of us. Since we had less than 6 years together, I think we wasted a good deal of precious time dealing with it. It has to be dealt with, sooner or later. Best to do it before the honeymoon, although I understand that some issues may simply require a time of adjustment. Get everything out in the open so there are no surprises or irreparable hurts. Mainly, so there are no regrets. I hope that makes sense.

cavahoo1215 12/18/2017

Thank you for the responses. My fiancé has been a widow for a little over three years now. The main reason that I don't bring up the things that bother me to her is because I kind of feel like a jerk for having those feelings. She has two children who I love like my own. Her daughter is old enough to remember her dad and has struggles with losing him. So things like having family pictures all over the house and celebrating his birthday are things that are in place and done for her or at her request. I just have to admit that seeing pictures of the woman i love with another man every where i look can be a little tough sometimes. We will be buying a house together in the coming months and Im sure this topic will have to be addressed. I just dont want to hurt her or make her feel bad in any way.

shelda 12/18/2017

When i lost my first husband i was 21 years old with 1 little boy and pregnant with a girl..i never got over the loss of him,but my second husband became a Father to them and understood when i would go through grieving. He helped me to learn how to cope with his death.Sometimes it would bother him and he knew that if Will had not died i would never have met him. But he was Thankful that i had met him and told me once that he was sorry he had died but thankful for it too...All you can do is hold her and let her know you are there for her Always. The pain never goes away.

cavahoo1215 12/18/2017

Thats a feeling that I have never verbalized but have felt for a long time. Im very sorry for the pain that they feel but Im glad that I had the opportunity to meet the love of my life. Its a strange position to be in.

shewearsblack17 12/18/2017

I walked into his house, and everything was as she had left it - her furniture, decor, etc. Even her clothes still in the closets. As far as pictures, he had at least taken those off the wall. I didn't ask him to destroy them, as I kept mine of my late husband but kept them in boxes or totes. He had his photos of her on computer files on his Mac, which was okay. Would your fiance agree to that, perhaps? She may be just as insecure about your ex -wife. I realize that we cannot erase our pasts, but at the same time there cannot be a threesome or a foursome. It is difficult. Been there, done that. Buying that house together and getting a fresh start is a great idea.

cavahoo1215 12/18/2017

We have talked about the pictures and our new house. We both agreed that there can be a few hung either in her daughters room or somewhere nearby in an inconspicuous place. They are more for her daughter than for her. Honestly over the past month or so in speaking about other situations my fiance has given me the vibe that she is happier now than she was in the past. She has told me that when she gets sad its for her kids and not really for herself because she is happy for the first time in a long time.

shewearsblack17 12/18/2017

That's odd for you to say that, because my late husband told me the same thing. Something like, "God saved the best for last." He remarried rather quickly though, and I wondered if he regretted that and if he was truly ready for a new relationship. We did have some storms, but I want to believe that I bettered his life in some ways.

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