Hi Lyzbeth - so sorry for the loss of your husband - wish there was more we could all do. Yes it does get easier - but we're talking in years - not weeks or months. It's called a roller coaster for good reason - life goes up and down - it is not a slow improvement. Fifteen weeks is not a long time - although it may seem like an eternity to you. Do things at your own pace at your own time and don't allow anyone to make you feel that there are rules or specific process.

All you can do is get through day after day. You may take a step forward then two steps back. Just stay determine that you are keeping yourself healthy and meeting the basic needs you have. You might try a support group where you can meet others. For some these are helpful - but for others they are not. Every one is different.

I was worse at 6 months than I was at 3 months - some people are the opposite. But it think it is a path that we just must continue on to get through it - all at our own pace.

I'm at 6 months and I'm doing better than I expected...if I actually expected anything. Never having done this before I really didn't know. But I'm finding things easier to handle, I'm getting bored just sitting here and hoping the next job I apply for is the one I get.
We're all different...don't go by one persons experience or another. It's YOUR experience that matters.
You'll get there in your own time.
Deep breathes
Hugs
Nancy

I am sorry for your loss, Like you, my husband and I were always together, except those times when we were involved in separate interests. When I lost him, I had very few friends other than those who were married, total interest in life, eating, cleaning or even getting out of bed. I went through the motions every day because I had to go to work out of necessity. I was angry too, not angry at my husband nor God, but angry that this happened to us in the first place. There was no effort to go anywhere, nor socialize with anyone.

I believe your counselor has the best intentions for you in keeping you functioning instead of a curled up mess in the corner. However, your emotions are not in a position to "get back out there" so to speak. That, in itself, takes time.

Emotionally, you are where you are supposed to be, which is a normal level of grief. Eventually things will evolve and make sense, and you will find your own enjoyment in life once again.

Grief is such a curious thing. It makes us reject some of the very things that would make us feel better. I get up and go to work - two jobs - every single day. It is rare that I make it all the way through getting ready and going to work without at least one huge attack of sobbing. If I could stay home all the time and not go anywhere I would. I say this to tell you I do understand what you are feeling.

Since you want to try to do something to start to feel better, and because you have had people reach out to you, I wonder if you would considering having someone come to see you at your house?

Even though I get out for work, the thought of going out to eat at a restaurant or going shopping or anywhere like that with other people makes me want to jump out of my skin.

But I have been ok with my kids coming over and just doing mundane things like watching TV or fixing a meal.

So maybe one of the first baby steps is to have someone over.

And about that vacuum, I couldn't remember the last time I vacuumed even when my darling was with me. It's highly overrated!

Hello, Betty . . .

Please accept my heartfelt sympathy at the passing of your husband. You are still so early in your grief that it's understandable that you feel the way you do.

I'm glad you have your dog, not just to get you out of the house a bit, but also for company. I felt the same about socializing, so I see why you've turned down your neighbors' requests. But when you say "no" ... please tell them to ask you again in a few weeks ... you may have a change of heart about it by then.

Dinner and drinks might be more than you want to handle just yet; why not suggest meeting for coffee and a donut. That way you're only committing to a small amount of time. These are simply suggestions. Only you know what's best for you ... and when.

Wishing you peace, Betty . . .

Bandi

Betty, many gentle hugs on the passing of your husband. My precious husband died in March. I joined a support group and it has been helpful to share and meet other ladies who lost a loved one. I cry every day. So many triggers and keep wondering if I will ever have joy again in my life. We were a private couple also and did so many things together, but also had some separate interests. No family in immediate area, but do have a sibling over 100 miles away. So rely on girlfriends for support. I still have not made a cup of coffee here, it so reminds me of my husband making me a cup every evening and today was the first day I turned on the burner on the stove - after three months. I loved to cook for him, but now no joy in cooking or eating. Betty, we have a "broken" heart. I am praying that with lots of hard work, praying and support we will get through this grief, but we will never forget the most precious gift we were given in our life - our husbands who loved us dearly....

My thoughts and prayers to you Betty! For me it was just 2 months on June 17th our daughters 35th birthday. My husband and I were married 52 years and together 54 years. The last 33 years we lived together, worked together and then I was his caregiver for the last several years, the last a complete caregiver. It is hard and I try everyday to think of something positive ... Time heals all is what I hear. So a day at time or a minute at a time. I will be praying for you Betty as 50 years is large part of our lives.. Love Carol

Lyzbeth...I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is. I'm having a down day myself....seems like more of them lately...I'm so tired of feeling lonely and sad...lots of support here...we all care

Its been 8 months for me. All I can say is that you will have to make yourself do things whether you want to or not. I make me a list of three things that I need to do each day and make myself do them whether I want to or not. Grief is a journey of survival. Somedays I'm not real sure I'm making progress but, as I look back I can see where I have. You know your only 15 weeks from the death of the man you loved and spent your life with....the things that you are feeling are normal in these circumstances. I went to our local hospice for a bereavement group and that help me tremendously. People ask me how I am doing and I just smile and say "one day at a time". I was with my husband for 33 years I was 27 when I met him and I'm 61 now, thats over half my life. I promise you it will get better....but, as so many things its the passage of time. One person told me that I will never not grief but the grief will loose its intensity over the years. I think emotionally your spot on right now. Many hugs to you. Colleen

Hi, it has been 3 weeks for me. I was my husband's caregiver for the past 2 years. I feel like I lost him while he was very sick with cancer. He used to do everything for me. I only wanted him back the way he was but each day I watched him die a little more. I cried privately in another room many days while he was sick. He did not want me to cry and so I did it privately. Then he passed and it is like all over again only now he is gone forever. I look at life so differently now and getting up in the morning is a major chore as is eating. I am pushing myself because I have a 19 year old son at home. He left college to stay at home for two semesters and attend college in our local area so he can be here. I know he is worried about me but life just is not the same and I don't know if I will ever get used to it. I can relate to you in every way.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is miserable because grief is such a private thing. I too, was worried about myself. My family doctor does the same as your therapist, thinking I should be out with friends, I have no friends, my husband and family were my life. So I lie and say I go out often just so I don't have to explain. It takes so much out of me to do that, and I wear out quickly now. I sometimes obsess over something being physically wrong because some days I am able to do things, others I sit around and wonder why I'm still here. I put on a pleasant face when I have to go out. When people ask how I am, I smile and tell them I'm ok. I'm not. If they press, I say I still feel sad a lot of the time. The truth is no one can make me feel better, and when they try, it really gets under my skin. I find I even become outright angry with certain people. Suddenly they are annoying, I used to just overlook, but now they are nearly intolerable. My pastor is one who gets me going so much I feel myself shaking. He is irritating in more ways than one. It's all about the unfairness of losing my mate, I know. Still can't warm up to the guy though. I get caught up in the state of my surroundings too. I couldn't do anything for a long time, a neighbor even referred to me as the walking dead. Reality is, there are awful people out there, and things get better. The haunting reminders of your husband, that seem so sharp now, will abate. Holidays send me into a tailspin still. I am in year two of my journey. I am sending you a hug.

Betty, I am so sorry for your loss. We all need to talk and share-it helps us heal. The people here are wonderful, I've been coming here for two weeks and they have helped me more than they know. Though I am physically alone I no longer am alone emotionally or spiritually. I am at 5 months and still do not go out with friends and push myself everyday just to get through (and it is exhausting). Please keep coming back, read, share your thoughts and feelings freely, DS is always open. God bless you, prayers and hugs my friend. Jewley

Betty, Fifty years is a life time with being a spouse, sharing burdens and joys, building a life, a relationship of love, these can't be healed in months or years. YES, you will heal. Don't stop believing in that, but grief is hard and now it's time for rest if that's what you feel. Be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. You need to take care of you and move slowly to the next hour and day at your own pace.

Talking to your counselor is good. It hurts, but we can't avoid the emotions or they fester and complicate our grief. You are in the place you need to be and you will find peace in small ways that grow in time. Sharon

It has been 7 years for me now! It was a couple of years before I wasn't thinking about him every waking minute that said time is the only thing that has helped I hated hearing that but found it to be the truth. I still miss him but I have figured out a life that is not what I planned but not as horrible asI had imagined either. I suffer from depression alsowhich makes grieving even harder. I have a new place where I have made my own, a part time job that makes me feel needed I am lonely that is the only thing I have not been able to get used to but I keep trying and hoping. I am so very sorry for your loss and understand the pain you are in. Hugs!!!

Hi Lyzbeth. I lost my husband of 26 years, 4 years ago. I did better the first year than 4 years later. I keep busy with work and taking care of the house. I don't really like socializing with other couples. I have a couple of single friends that I go shopping or to dinner with. I wish I could tell you that it will get easier. Working is the best medicine for 8 hours a day but then you come to an empty house and a lonely night. Be strong, you are not alone. A big hug from me.