To me, you are a widow. So what if you don't have a piece of paper that states the law of marriage prior to.You spent very much time loving this person. I wore my husbands shirt for 2 days after he died. It was the last shirt he wore. I also didn't want to wash the sheets. However it seemed like everything that smelled like him was gone of his sent within 2 weeks :( . I had some make a tshirt quilt with his shirts for me and my kids. Maybe you could have that done. It may be a little more comfortable than a picture frame, I speak from experience also. I have his outgoing message from his cell phone saved in my email and will listen to it over and over. I get upset because it is only 4 seconds long.. why couldn't he have talked more?? I have also watched our wedding video to hear his voice, see him look alive. It's been almost 5 months for me and I hate that I am forgetting what his voice sounded like. I took for granted all the times he would call me for nothing and I would just let hi go because I was busy. I would give anything to just hear him breathe on the other end of a phone now!! Sorry, for the rambling. I'm sorry for your loss, I say what you are doing is normal because that is what I did. I will pray for you

Sorry for your loss. It has only been 8 weeks so don't be so hard on yourself. This journey is like a roller coaster up and down any given day. A lot of us can have guilt for what we did or didn't do. Don't beat yourself up over it. It really is a useless emotion and only hurts us. I wish you peace. Marilyn

Marriage is a love relationship and not a piece of paper. My husband died six years ago after our fortieth anniversary but I knew he was my soulmate long before our wedding day. You are welcome here or on the Breavement Board, whichever feels better to you. It is about you now and your actions are totally normal. Grief has stages in different order and at different time frames, but the pain and loss are devastating. Hope you find a safe place to be yourself and feel understood. Sharon

I am sorry for your loss...and Sharon is rite!! marriage is only a piece of paper...Norm & me were together well over 18 yrs, we were never married...that paper made no difference to us...we were true soul mates...team mates in life....we truly loved each other more than anything...no paper necessary...

You are a widow as much as any of us. In your heart he was that for you and the loss and pain you feel is the same. He was your other half...your love...just like the rest of us. I am at 10 weeks.....it is not much time and 8 weeks certainly isnt much time. Cut yourself a break....allow yourself to feel and grieve how you need to not how others tell you to. Take care.

Thank you so much everyone for your kindness and understanding. I do feel like I have to hide how deep my pain and grief is, it is such a relief to be able to express it and not feel like something is wrong with me. I send you all much love and compassion for your losses also.

Hello,

I was engaged to my Adrian - we planned to get married next year. I never even considered I wasn't a widow - my solemate was taken from me and it never mattered we were never married!

I sleep in Adrian's pyjamas with his pictures in my bed every night. I always say good night to him like I used to when he was here! His things are still all around and I have no intention of moving them any time soon. It gives me comfort and I don't think it's self-distructive. Your friends who say this probably haven't experienced a similar loss but if they have maybe for them it was easier to deal with by not doing certian rituals - we are all different. If it feels OK for you don't listen to what anyone else says. Although, I would probably advise washing things. I did it very early on without thinking as all his things were clean when he died - we were up to date on laundry so I didn't have any clothes that smelt of him. I do sniff Adrian's aftershave and shampoo to remind me of him! I have his voicemail saved but at 19 weeks I still can't bring myself to listen to it or watch any of the videos!

Big hug,

x

It is only 8 weeks. You are a widow really. Some people who are married are not as close as you were or I was to my Stephen. It has been 4 years and I still can't look at his picture even maybe just in passing. I went to a widows and widowers support group and they did not think I did not belong because I was not officially married. Maybe you can think going to a meeting like that. But on this board there are people who know it doesn't matter. It is the pain that you are dealing with that is there whether or not you were married. It is not less because you didn't marry before your tragedy.

QP

I also understand where you are coming from.Chris and I were not married yet. We were living together and he had planned on proposing the month he had died on a trip we planned to Ireland. I now wear the engagement ring he wanted to give me. Its been 3 months since his death and people seem to expect me to be back to myself. I'm 26 and keep hearing you're so young, you can start over. I feel robbed off the family and life we should have had together. We were just getting started. You know what you and Leonard had. Don't let anyone tell you shouldn't be mourning him.

There are no words to express my gratitude for all the compassion and empathy...in a time of great pain for you all too. Goes to show the capacity of the human heart to care and be kind. I deeply appreciate it and I hope you all know that I completely feel and understand your pain and am very sorry you all are experiencing this horrible reality. I find comfort in feeling understood and feel less alone as I feel a kinship with you all.

Self destructive? I know people don't know what to say, but you have to wonder why it doesn't occur to some of them to just shut up.
How about you are taking a teeny bit of comfort where you can to soothe your broken heart, mourning and just trying to survive?

We should compile a list of answers to the most offensive comments and questions.

You object to the rhino, but hey it's helped me kick crack.

A vibrator? Oh, that won't be necessary, I found this fab taxidermist who uses a special technique for widows.

(hopefully you've read the post that last relates to, or you're just going to think I am a wingnut. And you'd be right.)

I do all the same things. Look at him, listen to his voice, sleep with his stuff. Yesterday I smelled of Old Spice deodorant. Manly yes, but I like it too. Wait, that's Irish Spring.
I think it's a blessing to find any little thing that brings comfort. You're not hurting any one else. I'm so sorry for your loss. Take good care.

Hi,

You are a widow. you lost the love of your life. you are just starting the process. I am at 23 weeks.
I was with Scott for almost 15 yrs we were not married legally. But we buikt a mtn cabin together almost 6 yrs ago and we were going to retire their
we always said to each other till death do us part.
we both had been amrried before.
weren't going to have kids. we were going to get married when we retired.
but he was the love of my life and i considered him my husband.
i have regrets i try not to dwell on them. be kind to yourself.

kathy

I am likely clouded by my pain, and numb for pushing down my feelings because I have been staying with my Dad since this happened, and I dont want to worry him, but all the things you say you feel and do sound quite familiar. I actually put all his used clothes in a tighter drawer, so the smell will last longer. Talk about gross. I smelled every used clothes of his, but I fear the smell fades quite fast. We were not married either, and since one of our big discussions two years ago we had decided to be "a modern couple", together as a couple but living in separate houses. The last days we were together we were talking about living together in the same house again, like we had done the previous 11 years. So apparently he had a heart attack while sleeping, it happened the one night of the week I am away, a friend found him, the police close the flat, and since he was a foreigner and we didnt have any legal bonds, I had to wait for his mom and brother to fly here in order to go back to the house, a house I felt was mine as well as his. On arrival, without telling me, they opened the house and stayed there for a week before going back to their country. His favorite perfume - all of his perfumes - were missing when I was last there some days ago... I know the brand, but its not the same... So I live with the guilt of not having been more practical, more warm, more tolerant with our differences, more available to him than to work, more supportive... But even though I dont know what will happen after I die, I know we are soulmates, and I try to hold on to how privileged I am to have experienced our love. Lots of hugst to you

A loss is still a loss, whether or not you had a piece of paper. A license is for something that would otherwise be illegal. The human connection is something that goes way beyond a state issued document.

Babe, I see you as a widow whether you are legally or not ...
The fact that you & Leonard had a cathexis is all that matters ...
What you are going through as far as regrets every widow/er has them ...
From not making it to the altar, to pettiness w/in the marriage to regretting retirement together ...

How you express your grief is personal ...
We've all done or thought about things we would simply think of as normal" prior to their death ...
Sleep in their clothing, sniff items w/their scent, anticipate their call to hear his/her voice, wear items they had given, look at pictures ...
Its all the same b/c love is still alive ...
Obviously, you can't wash his clothing b/c the scent cannot be replaced ...
Six years later, I still have a few pieces of Bob's clothing sealed in a plastic bag ...
I haven't opened it in a couple of years b/c my grief has ended ...
But believe me, I did everything you are doing ...
I am, but one, who came before you - we all seem to do the same or similar things to comfort ourself ...
It is all productive as well as good to honor your soul ...