I was not married to Leonard but in my heart I know I should have been and feel he was my soul mate, the man I had hoped I would someday find. We had a beautiful relationship and only broke up because I was afraid to take that next step he wanted us to take. We stayed friends during the months we were apart and were on the verge of starting our relationship again when he died. Our second first date was to be on July 12th, instead that was the day of his funeral. I still have self recriminations that if I had moved in with when he asked me too perhaps the accident he had would not have happened. I miss him every second of the day and feel like my future died when he died. All the things we would be sharing now eat away at my soul and I can find no peace. Yesterday was 8 weeks and it feels like I am moving backwards instead of forward and I don't know what to do to stop it. I barely make it thru the day, I just do what I have to do anticipating when I can go home and put on one of his shirts and lay my head on his pillow. I have not washed it in two months now which seems gross and maybe a lil crazy and self destructive but I can't bear to wash away any part of him I have left. I sleep with his stuffed rhino (he loved rhinoceros) with his picture laying next to me. I wear his watch every day. I read his last texts to me and watch video of him so I can hear his voice and see him. So real, so alive. Some friends think I am being self destructive by continuing this ritual but it is the only things that bring me any comfort. I feel so lost without him.