Denis, I know what you mean. Jan must have been a very strong lady like my wife Donna. Donna was the tough one in our relationship. You are right, she would have kicked my butt too. She too had breast cancer and passed away a little over 4 weeks ago. I know we will never ever "get over it", but you are right, we have to go on and be ourselves. Thats what our wives loved us for, being ourselves.

Thanks for your post, it helps me to realize what my wife seen in me, and yours in you, and to try to continue that.

Take care

You are right in trying to be just Denis and I congratulate you on your decision. Just, please, be kind and try to have patience with Denis. He has been through a tragedy of the worse kind. Healing can come and you will make it, but know there are roots to trip you, holes to fall in and climb out of, and days that are hard. You will make it and I offer to walk through this forest with you as so many here will also. Don't lose your determination and keep your faith. Sharon

Hi Denis,

I don't know when you lost your wife, but your goal is noble. I said almost the same thing many times, only to relapse a bit here and there. The main thing is that we just keep trying. I don't think your wife, or any of our spouses would ever be disappointed in how we are coping. Don't be too hard on yourself and carry on!

Linda

Denis...I'm just going to say that Joe was a very strong minded individual, but he had no idea (since he died first, obviously) what this freakin' journey of us, left behind, entails. What you call pity parties are necessary. Grieving - hard grieving, is not dishonering. Let me ask you this - if you had a disease or an injury, a physical thing, would you give yourself the time to heal? What's the difference? It's been 4 years, and...3 plus months and it changes, constantly. You are still Denis. Just a different Denis. Still Jan's Denis - Hugs, Marsha

Dennis, thanks for sharing those thoughts.
I Feel many of the same thoughts/grief and as the others mention this is not a simple switch rather part of our larger journey with grief.
we will carry on as our spouses would want.
Take Care

Denis,

I know what you mean about perhaps dishonoring Jan by throwing your "pity parties." However, as others have pointed out, Jan wasn't the one left with only half of herself and "where do I go from here?" I think she would allow you to grieve by being sad, lonely, angry - all the emotions that accompany grief. It's a process that cannot be avoided - part of being human - and even Jan couldn't stop the oceans' tides.

I'm not trying to scold you. I'm simply trying to point out that you can be "just Denis" in whatever way you want to be, including holding a "pity party" or two, once in awhile. :)

Hugs,
Terry

For the first 3 months after my husband's death, I didn't care how I looked or how I dressed, looked like a big mess most of the times. It's been 5 months now, enough is enough, my husband wouldn't want me to be a mess all the time (except when we were gardening). I too decided to be me again. I spent more time taking care of myself and trying hard to keep up with the housework while working full time and taking care of his horses and garden. I can't always keep up but that's ok. I just do what I can and cry sometimes.

Denis, you have put into words what I've been thinking this week. I want to be the person that my husband was attracted to, the same "me" that he wanted to be with; there's no better tribute any of us can make than to continue our lives the best we can.

But - be kind to yourself. As i'm doing with myself. We need time. Time to go through this roller coaster ride we're on, where one day seems fine and the next is deep with despair. It's Okay to feel down sometimes, and to spend the time you need feeling sad or lonely.

I think the only way any of us will get back to who we truly are is that first we have to go through all the ups and downs of this ride.

Denis,
it is great that you are detrmined to get beyong pain. Perhaps, it is a sigh that you are getting healed sufficiently, or just plain sick and tired being sick and tired. No matter what your reason for this inspiration to move forward, I command you for trying.
I too come up with a new motto "I determined to make the rest of my life, the best of my life" ... Oh, well some days are better than the others... I get motivated and feeling strong one day, and feeling nothing ... numb the next. Yet, I am hopeful "the mind over matter" nad some day it will all align.
wish you the best in your heart recovery.
Peace

I think at some point each of us has to decide that yes, we will go on, and yes, we are going to work our way back to 'happy' - it may be a very different version of 'happy' but we want to live and live as joyfully as we can muster without them. And sooner or later, deep down in our souls, I think we also realize that is the greatest gift they gave us and the best way to honor their memory - to live as fully and wonderfully as we can.

It won't be all roses and sunshine now, I am not saying it will be, but good for you that you have decided on life! It will be worth it!

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate them. I wrote that as more of a proclamation than anything else.

It's not so much an issue of grief with me as it is a mindset. You see, in my more self-aware moments, I found a part of me that was starting to like being a widower. I could see me using it as an excuse for myself at times. I believe that can be a dangerous thing and if not careful can effect me negatively throughout the rest of my life.

Thanks again everyone. There are not to many places we can expose our emotions and deepest thoughts, but this place is "safe" so we can and you all understand.

Denis

Denis,

I do agree with you about being more than just a widower/widow. On the other hand, I also have found myself having to use the widow thing to explain things to people I have recently met who don't know the whole story. Such as what I am doing on Wednesday that interferes with some other activity (that's when the bereavement group meets. I realize that I could just say, "I have another meeting," and often do). Or why my eyes are suddenly leaking. I also seem to be explaining, perhaps unnecessarily, that my husband is no longer with us whenever I mention something he always used to do or say or like.

I am definitely pretty far along the way toward being the new me, but part of that new me is that I am a person without a partner.

Thanks for your insights.

SallyMc

Denis, about your "pity parties" -- give yourself some credit. You have had the courage to grieve, to cry, to feel all those deep empty feelings. I'm not arguing with your proclamation at all! I'm just saying that those pity parties are what got you to the point of making a new proclamation! At least imo.
I applaud your ability to be so honest with yourself. Not everyone can admit that there's some comfort in having that label to hide behind. Thx for bringing that to my attention. I think I should take a look at that myself!

Just something I wrote a few days ago. Just a different perspective.

I would hope that I will not let the term widow define who I am, although at times over that past year I'm sure that it has.
Where
W stood for wavering, let it now stand for wonderful
I stood for inconsolable, let it now stand for ingenious
D stood for desolate, let it now stand for damn smart
O stood for obscure, let it now stand for outstanding
W stood for weak, let it now stand for well-being

I will always be Garys widow; I will try to become the new definition of widow though.

@oakridge6 - WOW! That is terrific! Thanks!