Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hi everyone. I have been reading your posts for a few days and words cannot convey the sense of loss and also of connection that I share with you. My husband of 30 years died suddenly ten days ago. I found him when I got home from work. It was an apparent heart attack altho he had no history, and the medical examiner assured me the end was quick. Unlike so many of you, I was not blessed with a "marriage made in heaven" to the "love of my life". It was companionable and stable. I cannot begin to understand the additional layers and depths of pain and sadness so many of you are experiencing having lost a spouse who was a true soul mate. I hope that I will be welcome here even though my story might not seem as emotionally charged as some of yours. But loss is loss, and I feel it at my own level. I miss my husband's presence and knowledge that he was here when I needed him. Since his passing I'm walking more carefully so I don't trip on a rug edge and fall...and taking my many vitamins 2 at a time instead of 5 or 6 so I don't choke. Will probably get a "Help, I've fallen....." gadgets. I'm 71. The feeling of being alone in the house is unnerving. Lloyd handled our finances as well as those of my 91-year-old mother who lives on the first floor of our home. A lifelong banker until his retirement four years ago, he was on top of all the "business" aspects of our lives, and he did this very well. Like many new widows I am overwhelmed by the things that need to be done to close the final chapter of his life. Next week I'm sure my head will explode after meetings with our lawyer, accountant and financial adviser. I'm sorry this post has taken on aspects of War and Peace in length, so I will close now and look forward to hearing from you.
Even with a so so marriage, you will have extreme loneliness. To me, that was the worst, not having someone to come home to. Missing the hugs, the conversations, the eating together. Just normal everyday things. Wanting to share something, and remembering he's not there.
Just remember to take care of yourself, eat, sleep and rest. Cry whenever you want, don't hold back. You are missing what you thought was some of your future. You have to recreate your future now, but there is no rush.
You will get to know your way around this site, by trial and error. Just play around, use the help section, ask questions, everyone will try and help.
(((Hugs)))
Paula
You're right about the loneliness and no one to come home to. Even room mates can have pleasant times that are missed when they're gone.
Thankfully, I have some very good friends to whom I can speak openly and share my feelings. I have no children and no sibs, so it's just my mother and me (we occupy separate floors of the house, thank goodness) and we are pretty much oil and water.
She's already pushing my buttons, which is making me angry, which is then making me guilty. My husband was a great buffer between us, so the friction he deflected is now added to the grieving/missing/frightened/lonely mix. I haven't yet gotten angry with him for leaving me, but I can understand how that can happen.
So far I've had only time to read responses to my first post, but I do want to start reading discussions to find how how and what others here are going through and what they're doing about it.
Thank you for your warm welcome.
Please get the assistance you need with all the things that need to be done and come here as often as it is helpful. In the beginning I could not write a word and read...that helped a lot....still I have bouts where I cannot seem to write anything but it now passes. I still come and read and it always helps....sending wishes for comfort and peace....
But you have come to the right place for friends and support.
The people on here have been such a big help to me.
Welcome, and I hope I can be of some comfort to you.
Hugs--Deanna
How comforting that the first thing I read this morning was your string of posts. Comforting also is that most everyone repeats a variation of the same things about adjusting to widowhood. If everyone else is going/has traveled this path and remained sane, then I must be capable of doing the same.
Thank you for reminding me that my non-storybook marriage good in its own way. It was a reminder for me to remember, concentrate on and value the positives.
inmemoryof's comment about being able at the beginning to read posts but not write them reminded me that we each grieve in our own way and that everyone's way is right for them. You may have noticed that I have no problem writing. It has always come easily to me, and I make my living with words. It's the things we find hard, or impossible, to do right now that keep us connected on the way to our new reality.
I liked knowing that someone else is 71 and feeling alone. Thanks, youonly for sharing that.
So nice to know with conviction that everyone....warts and all.....is welcome here. Thank you for helping me start Day 12 feeling understood and part of a growing group of new friends.
Just a reminder to everyone who has invited me to be a friend, I am not on FB and don't anticipate doing so in the near future. For the time being, this board is the way I choose to communicate....til my head clears up and I decide to venture into the 21st Century! A question....do peeps who feel especially connected here ever share email addys?