Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

My first post

cadoggiemom
cadoggiemom
Hi everyone. I have been reading your posts for a few days and words cannot convey the sense of loss and also of connection that I share with you. My husband of 30 years died suddenly ten days ago. I found him when I got home from work. It was an apparent heart attack altho he had no history, and the medical examiner assured me the end was quick. Unlike so many of you, I was not blessed with a "marriage made in heaven" to the "love of my life". It was companionable and stable. I cannot begin to understand the additional layers and depths of pain and sadness so many of you are experiencing having lost a spouse who was a true soul mate. I hope that I will be welcome here even though my story might not seem as emotionally charged as some of yours. But loss is loss, and I feel it at my own level. I miss my husband's presence and knowledge that he was here when I needed him. Since his passing I'm walking more carefully so I don't trip on a rug edge and fall...and taking my many vitamins 2 at a time instead of 5 or 6 so I don't choke. Will probably get a "Help, I've fallen....." gadgets. I'm 71. The feeling of being alone in the house is unnerving. Lloyd handled our finances as well as those of my 91-year-old mother who lives on the first floor of our home. A lifelong banker until his retirement four years ago, he was on top of all the "business" aspects of our lives, and he did this very well. Like many new widows I am overwhelmed by the things that need to be done to close the final chapter of his life. Next week I'm sure my head will explode after meetings with our lawyer, accountant and financial adviser. I'm sorry this post has taken on aspects of War and Peace in length, so I will close now and look forward to hearing from you.
cadoggiemom
cadoggiemom
Your message really touched me marjoe, especially the assurance that my head will not explode. Thankfully my husband was careful and wise with our money and, unless the accountant and financial adviser, know something I don't, I believe that I have been left with sufficient resources. You are the first person....and I have mentioned this to many....who mentioned paying your lawyer and accountant to help you. Everyone tells me I should handle my own finances, but I don't have the head or the heart for it. Besides I'd be bankrupt in 3 months if I tried! We have known our legal and financial pros for many years and trust them completely. I am grateful that this particular load will be lifted from my shoulders. Another coincidence, we were both revising our wills at the time Lloyd passed away. His had few changes, mine has more. The urgency I feel now to get mine done is unbelievable after seeing with my own eyes that anyone's life can end in the blink of an eye. As far as "perfect marriages" go, I'm a realist with an it-is-what-it-is attitude. Change it if you don't like it or make the most of it and try to find peace. I'm going on and on again. Will someone please tell me if shorter posts are better?
cadoggiemom
cadoggiemom
One more note from me. I'm still getting the hang of this board and am not sure whether to respond to individual email messages or post them here. Because of my confusion, I'm pretty sure I trashed at least one message by mistake. Again, I'm not on FB and appreciate the hugs but not sure how to return them. Please be patient with me. I think you're all just great.
cadoggiemom
cadoggiemom
gem......just got your message but had trouble replying. Must be doing something wrong. Good to know someone else is feeling stressed by with the finance thing. Thanks for the advice to turn it over to God. My prayer list is now also almost as long as War and Peace. It is helping so much to have your posts keep coming in, even though I keep losing them.
cadoggiemom
cadoggiemom
Sorry Moonflyer, but I couldn't reply to your hug posting about the avatar photo. When I hit "Reply to this Message", I just get a blank screen. And I guess the huggies don't show up in these postings so I can't answer them here. Can you tell I'm a technological dinosaur?
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm new here too, so don' t know the ropes either, but I don't think anyone wants you to add to your own pressures and responsibilities by thinking you have to reply to each comment. (I hope not, because I didn't do that! Much as I appreciated each and every one.) Write as much or as little as you want. By the way, I don't do Face Bk either, I think we must be the last two people on earth!
I identified with your feelings of being extra careful not to trip or choke. I've had those same feelings too. I am praying for your safety. Everyone here is so caring and loving, I feel blessed to have found this site, and I know you will feel the same. God bless you in the coming days. Visit here often and feel the love. (And the hugs!) Hugs from Marcy
cadoggiemom
cadoggiemom
Thanks for the support and advice Marcy. Good to know I'm not the only newbie....or the only dinosaur. I guess it's not necessary to answer each post, and I'll probably taper off after a while. But so many people have responded on this my first day, and I am so grateful that I want to acknowledge them all. I hope to see you here often.
cheerryG
cheerryG
Please be kind to yourself, take good care of yourself, and your physical needs. The rest will follow. I`m sure that you are still in shock (then comes the widows fog). You can count on us to be here for you, no question is ever to strange or ? We all are at different stages on our journey, and we all have different perspectives. God bless... G-
oakridge6
oakridge6
Let me too offer my condolences and welcome to the board. You will not find a more caring or compassionate group anywhere, in my honest opinion.
Do not apologize for the relationship that you and your husband had, each and every marital relationship is different and being together for 30 years certainly does say something.
I'm glad that your Lloyd appears to have financial things in order and that you will not have the added burden of day to day money worries added to your grief. Be kind to yourself, come here often.
Hugs
Polly
cadoggiemom
cadoggiemom
I so appreciate the posts and hugs received. As suggested, I am taking Marcy's advice and resisting the impulse to answer each and every one individually....but that's my OCD-like curse.
Gearing up for this week of legal, financial and investment appointments as well as a dog-walker and companion for my mom when I get back to work.
It's comforting to know I can come here anytime with anything since I'm sure there's a lot more "stuff" coming down the pike.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am truly sorry for your loss. Welcome to this group. I'm sorry we're all here for the reason we are. The people in this group are wonderfully understanding and loving. You're very much among friends here. God bless you. Brigitte
cadoggiemom
cadoggiemom
Thank you Brigitte,
I felt the love and kindness in the very first responses to my first post.. I feel it is incredibly helpful to be in touch with others who are going through the same kind of thing in real time. It's so much more supportive than the well-meaning.....Time heals all wounds from people who care but have no idea what you're going through. See you again soon here.
mark1424
mark1424
Hi Doggiemom & I'm so sorry that you 're here & facing so much alone in this time of your Life. As everyone stated, you don't have to be alone if you don't want to be. I'm also sorry that the depth of your Relationship is somewhat different than you've read recently. We all are different in our own ways, & similar as well. What brings us here is our Bond of Life's Journey from here. This in itself is a baby step towards proceeding forward w/ out our Love. Mark ((XX))
cadoggiemom
cadoggiemom
Thank you Mark, especially the reminder that we are bound by a common thread regardless of individual circumstances. I've been overwhelmed by the number of genuinely caring responses since I first posted over the weekend. The outpouring of love and support from friends has kept me tied to the computer much of each day....tiring but therapeutic. I would love to look at each person's profile as messages come in, but there are not enough hours in the day. Bottom line is I know you are all kind, sympathetic people. That's all the "background" I need to know for now.
cleodoggie
cleodoggie
Hi Cadoggiemom-I love your name so close to mine. It doesn't matter what kind of a marriage you had you will still grieve. I had a great marriage to a man who was ill alot. That brought us even closer. I never expected to lose him until I did. Everyone here will understand what you are going through. Welcome to DS. Hugs, Chris
cadoggiemom
cadoggiemom
I appreciate your welcome and assurance that this is the right place. Seeing the sweet face on your photo ID, you might like to know that the doggie part of my handle refers to Milli Vanilli, the 9-yr-old mostly Beagle mix that he adopted from a shelter three years ago. The ca part is for my cats.