I understand where you are coming from Debbie. My husband said from the beginning of his diagnosis "you'll be all right"...he knew I had the strength to get through this with my very close family, friends , coworkers, and our church family.
But I don't think he knew about the intense pain that his absence would cause...how could he? Neither of us had ever lost someone who meant so much...
And like you, I no longer do what "others expect of me" unless I want to do that. I have less tolerance for meaningless chatter and I'm not quite as much into joking around as I once was. Mike had such a greaat sense of humor, that I miss so much.
And I'm still at the point of not wanting to even think about being anything other than Mike's wife. Just not interested...I don't say never, but it's something that only God knows.
Thank goodness we have our friends here who understand EXACTLY what's going on and do not judge...be blessed today...hugs...Jill

Thanks so much, Jill. I believe I remember Dick saying to others that I would be OK, but like you said, we didn't ever fathom it would be so brutal to go on.

Jill, I know you feel the same as I that we had the best. As long as I have my home, my job, pet, family and friends, I have enough. Obviously no one else can take my husband's place, and there isn't anyone that can come close to filling that void. The void is there and I have to learn to live with it. I thought I was doing well, but some of the fears and depression has returned. My counselor says it is the anniversaries of the seconds. The first year is the hard milestone year, while I guess the second is when the reality sets in.

No one has any idea how much my husband means to me, and they never will.

Its only been, almost 4 months since I lost my love, but I Love her today as much as yesterday, as much as the day she passed, as much as when the boys were born...and as much as I did on our first high school dance 30 years ago. She told me numerous times over our 7 year cancer battle that I would be fine and to go on living, including opening my eyes to other women. She Loved me with all her heart and knew I Loved her to my very soul and she just wanted me to be happy. I would love to love again....but I'm greedy....and want the same love. I want the exact same love. I can't imagine taking off my wedding ring or ever thinking of myself as anything other than 'married'. We were soulmates before we were married and we still are now. I don't wish myself grandkids yet...or for quite a while ;-) , but all I hope is that seeing a fresh new life...that will revive a portion of my heart that is destroyed right now. Sorry this turned into a ME reply to you....but I do understand you. I had the best and I think thats all I need.

It probably is the "seconds" that are increasing your depression. It's true that the firsts are the initial hard milestones, but the seconds are equally hard but in a different way. There is a level of societal pressure to stop grieving in a short period of time, and certainly a whole heap of pressure to be "done with it" in a year's time. That's not reasonable in my opinion. I've been through the "thirds" as well, and while they were easier, they weren't easy.

I would think that if Dick was proud of you while he was alive, he is proud of you still. I am sorry this worry keeps coming up for you. I guess it's because we can't hear them say "I'm proud of you" except in our memories.

I know in my heart that Cliff is proud of me, as I have done exactly as we agreed, albeit some of the decisions I made necessarily were different than we might have made together. I have had signs from him that confirm that he was the one that led me to my new life, to my new husband, and so much more. The lessons we learned together are still very much a part of who I am, and that is part of his legacy.

I think that whatever person we became with their help continues on, and the life lessons they taught us are ones we use everyday. What we do may not look exactly like what they wanted us to do, but I believe it is more in THE WAY we choose to live - using those shared experiences as guidance - that is important.

Try not see it as some kind "check list" obligation - I doubt that is what he meant for you. As I say, the particulars aren't what's important, and those obviously changed anyway with the passing of his sister - you couldn't possibly fulfill the specifics of that. And technically, you're not living alone - you've got Moochie! :)

Hugs...

Empty-I'm at 2 years, 2 months, and I feel the same way as you, except one thing. I am open to love, but love in my home, in things I like to do, in my pet, in the Lord, in family and friends. In my heart of hearts there can be no love given to any other person of the opposite sex except my husband and God, our father. I remain opposed to dating, companionship and remarriage, but that's me. Everyone is different in that respect. It has nothing to being disloyal or cheating on my husband, it is what I feel in my soul.

What makes me feel good is seeing so many other widows living life, and doing activities with their friends, knowing in their heart of hearts that they only love one man, and he is not here. It would be a disservice to myself to live my life any other way.

But I do hope you find the peace, love and comfort that you desire. We all deserve that.

Martha, I want so much to live on my own, unattached, for the rest of my life. That desire burns in me. There are times when I don't believe my husband understands that, but I really don't know what he understands or thinks because, like you said, I can't hear him say the words.

There is a bit of 'comfort' in knowing that you're self-sufficient. My BIL told me that Frances had discussed finding someone for me before she died, a bizarre idea, for sure, but she wanted me to continue to be happy. I wonder if it will happen again, or if I will have the solace of knowing real happiness once. Time will tell...

The older ladies in my greif group seem to want to fix me up! I keep telling them I'm not in the market for a man. My husband used to joke that he was going to spoil me so much that noone else would want me. I don't know if anyone else wants me but I don't want them! I am pretty happy with my life, as happy as I can be at this point. I work hard at getting out, doing some things fopr other people and trying to learn some new things. It is okay for now.

Why on earth do people believe we need to be fixed up? My God. Next time they say that to you, tell them about having safe sex, STD's and the use of condoms. That will shut their traps in a heartbeat.

I also understand the issue here. I am just fine on my own. I run my business, pay my bills on time and raise my children. About being fixed up with someone; I think I will pass on this. What would I end up with; some jerk that will be mean to my kids, not work and expect me to support him. The men in my generation are mostly divorced and looking for someone to help out with their kids every other weekend. They have no income because theirs goes to child support. Older men? No. I have a father. When I used to go out with girlfriends back when Mike was alive, I used to tell guys that I was a lesbian.

Maggie

Debbie - to me, it's like this. Joe had no idea what I'd be going through, because...well. he wouldn't know, would he? I found out, later, when he was in the hospital, he called the local police to check on me when I went in early to bake. If the roles were reversed, I would have been worried sick about him. Only after I told him, it's ok, I'll be ok (not believing it, but wanting him to know it), he died - he heard me. I can't pack it in, either. I'm doing it on my own terms - I know what Joe wanted, and what he felt, but still - it's my life, now. I'm honoring him, and myself, but carrying on. Honestly? I'm gettin' the last word, Joe. Sorry, babe....

Deb,
Like others, I do understand your feelings.Feelings are never wrong or right and sometimes they even change over time. However, and please don't take this the wrong way, we don't need to be so preoccupied with these thoughts. Do whatever makes you happy! Allow life to happen and see where it leads you.

Many of us will remain alone, some by choice and some not so much. Others will find new loves and be very happy with that decision. Life is full of surprises and one thing for sure, we never know what's ahead. I suggest you focus on all your accomplishments and how far you've come on this journey. If down the road you change your mind about this, fine. If you don't, that's OK too. While we feel that our spouses were the only one for us, there still are a lot of good men out there, even some that are experiencing the same thing we are. We all have to do what makes us happy.

No offense when I say this, but I fall in line with Maggie and Marjoe. And Marjoe, you have such a way with words. Just say it like it is. I love it. I tell Dick the same thing. I know how he would have suffered if I had passed first, and he too, would feel exactly like I do. We talked about it on occasion, and Dick flat out told me there would be no other, for he was set in his ways and didn't want anyone to try to change him, and he knew he could never find anyone that came close to me.

I only want to know that my husband is proud of me, and yes, I also look for his approval at times.

I, like you, have done it on my own. I've always been a very independent woman and I am very proud of that. I hate to ask anyone for anything. At this point in my life, I see myself remaining alone. I still feel very connected(married) to my husband too. Hugs! Barbara

While I'm not "looking", I every once in a while see or chat with a stranger briefly, and sense a humor and vitality that I sorely miss since Keith passed away. That part of our life that was laughing, joking, sharing common interests and beliefs about how to live life...people who are in relationships may not know how rich that makes their lives, but I do hope they appreciate it. It SO outshines any little annoyances.

Good for you! I'm glad you are able to carry on as YOU wish; I'm still asking myself, now how would Keith approach this? He was the cool, calm and collected one, knew how to do anything, and I struggle with technology, home maintenance, etc. But little by little, I'm finding the confidence to get things done. It's just taking a while. It weighs very heavy sometimes, this home and property.