I'm having terrible dreams at night. I dream we did things differently. Dream we went to the cardiologist and got in front of this. I dream hes laying next to me . I wake up and I can't get back to sleep for hours . It's terrible. I feel terrible when I wake up. I'm a sobbing mess at 3am.

I think you can relate to this post.
http://widowersgrief.blogspot.ca/2018/04/forgiveness.html

"And yet, if we HAD seen something, if we HAD thought of something, if we HAD known that something serious was going on, we WOULD have done what was needed. We know this, because we loved them that much."

This resonates with me. I'm in so much pain. My entire body and being hurts

I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time. It is very early in your grief but from what I’ve read, I really think that you need to find a grief counselor today and call them and make an appointment asap or if you’re comfortable with the one you're going to have, see them more often if possible. Even though reading all of these posts can be helpful, you need more active help than that alone. It seems that you have very complicated grief and I urge you to seek more intense counseling. We all care about you and want you to stay and read, write and vent all you want but please, you have to be an active participant in your healing by stepping outside of the box and your safety zone.
Rain’s idea of journaling is very helpful and I hope that you start that as well. It helps very much to get your thoughts out and on paper.
Again, I know that it’s very early on this journey for you and we all need to tuck ourselves away for a time and come to terms with what has happened. But, you worry me and I wish you to seek help or at the very least some companionship from your friends or family.
Martha said it best with her thought that guilt is the most pointless feeling there is. There is no way that you could’ve changed anything that has happened had you known the future. Believe me, we all feel this at some point and most come to realize that we did do the best that we could in loving our spouse and caring for them. Don’t beat yourself up. His body just wore out which was no fault of yours nor his.
I know you want to touch him and smell him and feel his presence next to you. This is all steps that we must go through in coming to terms with this new reality. Let those feelings flow but please not the guilt.
It’s time to take care of you now. I know you don’t see the need but I’m sure there are people who do and love you.
Warm thoughts to you in hopes that you find the strength and courage in seeking the answers, help and hope that you need.
Darcie

Today was the second day I left the house. I went to grief counseling yesterday. Today I went into the office for 2hrs. But cried for an hour. I'm clearly not ready to return to work. I agree .. maybe you're right , I should go to counseling a couple times a week. I may see if I can find a new counselor. I'm not sure how this counseling should work. She spent the time asking what happened and how I felt . I'm not sure what I am to gain from counseling. Maybe I need to direct the conversation. I dont know. I'm not sure what to expect and how this works . I am having a hard time with this. I am truly struggling . I truly feel as though I'm not sure I can make it. It is incredibly painful. I miss him so much and need him. He was my rock. My comfort. My protector. I dont know how to move on without him. I started journaling today . Although , I didn't get far .

Those are positive steps, and I know they were difficult for you. The first counseling session will usually cover the 'background' so to speak. The counselor needs some facts and needs to get a feel for where you are at with your grief to begin to determine what approach(es) will be most helpful. It generally takes about 3 sessions to get a good rapport going. That rapport is two-way -- you should ask her how the sessions will go, what she thinks will be most helpful, etc. If after the third session you don't feel like you're on the same page, then find another counselor.

The journaling should help as well. I kept two journals - a paper one I could carry around, and some things I journaled here at Daily Strength. (I removed my old electronic journals before the site was redone a couple years ago.)

Are you eating? Are you sleeping?

Thank you. Yes I guess it was more background related questions. I wasnt sure where she was going and how it was supposed to help me. I see her again Friday. I haven't eaten more than a piece of fruit or a cup of oatmeal a day. Haven't been able to hold anything down since this happened. I can't sleep. I get 3 to 4 hours a night and then I'm waking up because I'm dreaming of him and thinking he is next to me. I wake up heart racing and sweating

I am so sorry to read about your loss Whitedoves. I lost my wife of 43 years suddenly 3 months ago. The first few weeks I felt just like you do. Then the fog slowly began to lift and I try very hard to listen to God and his plan for me. I truly believe if we listen and be quiet he will present that plan. This is a long journey we all face and at first we see no way out. I for one am starting to see what God has in store. Thereare still the days where I am overcome with the loss and still feel totally lost but they seem to be a bit less often. My prayers are that you receive the same grace and peace for your soul. We are all here to help in any way we can.

Thank you pater53. It feels like an endless journey. I would love to hear how you found meaning and purpose and found a way to see gods plan. I've lost all faith in him

Keep the faith, I'll tell you why later.

wow babe, feel your loss, lost my woman last year because of a stroke. didnt even get to say good bye, then she was gone for ever. promised her years ago i wouldn't let her die alone. God i failed her, feel so bad. we were the same age. i loved her so much. was so desperate to find some one new i found a scammer that torn what was left of my heart to pieces and left me broke. talk about cold they don't come colder then that

Thanks NVcowboy2 and Annie. Its been a struggle. I am 8 weeks out and for some odd reason, it feels more real, I miss him more, I need him more, I want to be comforted by him and it hurts worse. I don't feel like things are getting better. I think they are becoming more real and painful. I miss him terribly. It is the worst pain I have felt. I am able to get a few things done a day but boy oh boy do I sit for hours replaying our final moments and wishing I had done things differently. It is simply the stage of grief I am in. I find that I need to rationalize and make sense of it and I need to understand my own actions. I am sorry for both of your losses. hugs. I know your pain . I feel it. Sorry Annie that you were scammed. I am sure that has to be a horrible painful feeling. especially after opening your heart up again. Hugs

Whitedove Our circumstances are so very similar and you are saying and experiencing everything I have been going through. I know what the pain feels like riveting through my body. I hear the frustration, the grief, the anger and the sadness over his lose.
Don't give up on hope and on God. If you have faith it will help you. When I go to church I look up and can visualize my husband and my mom. They are smiling down and that makes me feel good. I believe in God and that there is a reason why this has happened. I just don't know what the reason is yet.
Try and give yourself a break and some self care. Do something really nice that you will enjoy even if its for a little while. And, while your doing it stay in the present moment so you can enjoy everything those moments are giving you. :))