I extended his life yes..and failed him when it really counted. Maybe I could have extended it some more. I can't imagine finding happiness and live again. He was it for me. He was my world. He was my happiness and he was my one and only. I dont want to face life alone ...life in a void. I believe God gives us all that one special person and now hes gone. I am glad you replied to me. It is nice to hear you say I extended his life. I just wish I followed my original thought and if I had...he may have been here. For weeks he mentioned indigestion and we passed it off. Why did I screw our lives up by not taking care of him. I feel terrible

I hate myself. Hate myself for letting him die. If only I had called 911 sooner and not waited . If only I had taken him weeks ago to a cardiologist. I failed him and us when it really mattered .

You aren't God, nor are you a cardiac specialist. We can't fix everything that happens, even when we want to. I went through the same "if only" stuff, beating myself up for it. The truth is you did everything within your power, just as I did. Calling 911 and CPR and the whole nightmare that followed. It's not your fault, anymore than Cliff's death was mine.

He may have been your one-and-only, but I am sure there are other people in your life who need you, and you taking yourself out of this world would be terribly unfair to them.

You need to be seeing a counselor or getting support through a therapy group. I saw a counselor, as did each of my sons as they witnessed their father's death and were equally traumatized by it. Counseling was crucial for me. Daily Strength was my group as I could not get to any groups in my area.

I had to do a lot of different things to survive being the survivor. Why did I bother? Because I didn't want Cliff's legacy to be that his death destroyed me - he was all about life, in fact he never really grew up! A childlike wonder for everything and a curiousity about it all. How could I have my death on his hands? How could I put our sons through it again and not be there for them?

Fighting your way back from the darkness is not easy. You will need help to do that. Being here is one step towards that. I encourage you to seek out additional face-to-face support, too. Your local hospice can help. Call them, please.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I never thought about it that way. I never thought about his legacy being that it destroyed me. My only thoughts are , not wanting to be without him and wanting to be where he is. I go to grief counseling next week, but I can't stop hating myself for at least not giving him a fighting chance to live. I know the cardiologist may not have saved him but God damn if I had acted sooner, he may be here for a bit longer . I was his caretaker and lover and in the final moments , I didn't take care of him and that kills me. Its gut wrenching....the pain

You're still running the "if only's" through your head. If you had acted sooner, you would probably still have the same outcome. I ran the same "if only" through my head, too, despite the paramedics captain telling me that no one could have saved Cliff. The truth of it is that that if only love were all that was needed, none of us would need this group. It's not your fault. The probabilities were against any success of saving your husband - or mine.

What I do know to be true is that at the last, your husband knew you loved him. He died surrounded and held by that love and devotion. I know Cliff would not want me to blame myself for his death, and I have a feeling your husband would not want you to blame yourself either.

I am glad that you will see a counselor soon. I think it will help.

Are you getting any sleep? Have you been able to eat at all? Part of the hopelessness can be caused by sheer physical exhaustion and dehydration. Try to get some rest, and if you can, get something decent to eat in your system. I found I cried so much and became so dehydrated that I had muscle cramps. I learned I needed to drink extra water to balance out the ocean of tears. Try to do that, too, if you can.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Whitedoves: Your pain and grief is something I can almost touch and feel. My loss was not sudden. I lost Mary after a 2-3 year battle with a nasty disease. It's been almost 4 months. Still new and fresh in my mind, heart, and soul.
No one can get rid of your grief, sadness, and loneliness. Indeed, it is a journey you have been assigned. It really doesn't matter who gave you the assignment, God or otherwise, and I would argue that focusing on that is not going to make it go better.
Almost four months into my journey, I would tell you I now know the following: 1) I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone...it is so sad, so painful, so lonely, and 2) I have become aware of so very much that I was not aware of....my empathy, being in touch with my emotions, my wonderful friends, my need to talk it out, etc. None of this made the journey anything but awful. But as I travel further down the path, I now at least can start to handle the day-to-day, while appreciating some insight and learning that didn't matter at the beginning of the journey.
May God bless you as you travel down this road. May you reach out friends and family that can help you during your difficult journey. And may you find the strength to take the next step...and the step after that...

Cliffskat and exploring grief. Your words are very helpful. I know you are right . I know dwelling on it wont help. But it's so hard not to hate myself. I cared for him and he looked to me for guidance . He had weeks of chest pains that he and I blew off as indigestion. We went to one dr who also agreed. I should have known better , after the cancer battle that we needed ro keep fighting . I can't help but feel I let him down. I destroyed us . The weight is heavy and I want so badly to roll the hands of time back. Oh the things I would do differently. Now I'm trapped here without him. This immense pain, guilt...eats away at my soul. I dont feel I deserve to go on. I dont feel I have the strength to. We endured so much together and this loss is incredible. As you say, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It's an assignment that I dont know I'f I can handle. Its an assignment I can't face. It's too heavy. Too large and I'm too broken .

Keep coming back....you need all the support you can get...Everyone here understands because we are all going through the same thing...Only a person who has lost a spouse can really get it.....Let us be your sounding board....Very sorry you have lost the love of your life....Hugs.Penny

A heart attack is not "weeks and weeks of chest pains." They don't happen that way. Your doctor diagnosed it as indigestion, and my guess would be acid reflux (GERD) which is a common after-effect of cancer treatments. There are a lot of things that can mimic heart attack pain, and quite often heart attacks don't have the standard symptoms, too. Rather than beating yourself up about this, why don't you speak to the doctor? He/she had a good reason for diagnosing it as indigestion - have them explain it to you - you have a right to get the facts. That might put your mind at ease.

As far as calling 911, even for people who get the emergency services there very quickly and have all the latest equipment available, 4 out of 5 will die. Of the 1 in 5 that can be brought back to life, 4 out of 5 have life-limiting after effects. That's why Cliff actually told me once that if that happened to NOT try to save him but let him go. When it happened, I completely forgot all that and just wanted to save him at all costs. At 55, with no prior heart problems, I completely expected to do just that. But that wasn't the case for us, and it wasn't case for you either.

We don't have that kind of power. Talk with your doctor and go over what happened to put your mind at rest over this. Guilt is the single worst and most useless emotion for us. It is pointless and only serves to create and agony in us that our loved ones would be horrified at. Don't give into it. Truly do not give into it.

Love and Hugs...

He was having small heart attacks for weeks...leading up to the big one which ended his life. I spoke with the dr and that is how it was explained. I know you're right...its pointless to blame myself as I can't bring him back. It's so hard not to feel guilty in this situation. It's so hard to ignore the logical steps that we should have taken and ...its extremely difficult to ignore that those steps more than likely would have saved his life. This void feels so deep and endless. I don't know how to move past the feeling of failing us

I too lost my husband a week ago. I cannot even begin to think about him its way to painful.

Its unbearable isn't it ? I dont know if I can make it through to the other side . I dont know if I want to. Nothing awaits me

at this point you can only handle thinking of one day at a time. sometimes even less: maybe just This hour. The next 15 minutes. Envisioning your whole future without him is too much. We do not the ability to cope with anything beyond "Now". You are right, you can't handle living without him for the rest of your life. You CAN handle 15 minutes or maybe ONE hour, or one day. I literally had to break up my days into small portions at first. Especially while in shock of early loss. You are still reeling from shock. and it is shock which needs to protect us from being thrown into our full-blown, entire future too quickly. Stay in the moment for now. Do not propel yourself forward into the future. When one day at a time arrives, you will handle it Then.
Also, you are also not equipped to handle all your yesterdays and distorted regrets right now. You will work through those over some time. Not today.
We do not have the perspective for yesterdays and tomorrows Today. We only have the grace to survive This day. Yesterdays contain regrets which are past. Tomorrows have fears which have not yet arrived. Stay out of them.
I lost my husband without warning just as you did. Heck, I even battled regrets about HIS actions. AS IF I ever had any control over that! These things are an automatic part of grief, but they are a very UNfair part of it. Guilt and regrets are cruel taskmasters, because they are all about things which are beyond our control TODAY. You must command yourself to stay in THIS day. Every step you take out of today will overwhelm you into the realms beyond your capacity to not be drowned.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step". Not 10 steps, nor any steps which take us beyond today.. No tomorrows or yesterdays allowed right now..
I know I sound very rough on you, but it is because I have been where you are at. and I know you have to discipline yourself in order to survive this.
I had to almost set timers to force myself to prevent fears about handling my future.
All my best to you,
Barb.

I remember those first days without Rick very well. It was a nightmare and only got worse before I was able to begin to cope. Go ahead and tell God how you feel. He will not get angry with you.

You're right. I can't think about tomorrow. I break down in tears, I shake and I'm terrified to face tomorrow without him. I never thought about setting an actual timer. Maybe I can try that. I'm just not ready to let him go. I'm not strong enough to get through this. I'm often not strong enough to face the next minute or hour. I dont know how to get there. Maybe setting a timer will help me. I will try that. I'm just incredibly lost and in an enormous amount of pain.