Wow,

You do have it all going on. Any event you mentioned is enough on its own. I understand sucide, my father shot himself, my mother died quickly from cancer, and I found my husband dead in the bathroon on June 1 if this year. Not everything all at once though.

I have been exploring my faith, don't know if that is something you are into. But being so all alone, it is the only thing I can count on. My new montra is " Sorrow is looking back, Worry is looking around and Faith is looking up." Just have to have something to hold on too.

I too drink too much and smoke to much, someday going to try to get a hold on that. I am sorry things are so bad for you, I am here to listen if you need to talk, guess that is all I can offer.

Peace to you
Dually

I am so sorry to hear about your husband and mom. These are terrible losses to bear. The suffering you had from cancer treatment takes so much from you - body, mind and spirit. These are not the memories you deserve right now. You deserve so much better.
I lost my wife about 6 1/2 months ago, so I do not know what the first year anniversary will be like. Everything I have read here and elsewhere says that it is really bad, but gets better.
You may not want to hear this, but you are the rock in your life now. It is so scary to lose your backup, the ones you counted on for so long. Somehow you have made it this far and the love of your granddaughters will get you through to a better phase.
You heart has been shattered and stomped on but you still give it to others through your volunteer work and taking care of the girls. You are a great person. Never forget that.
Others in your life may not want to hear about your grief but everyone here does. It seems there is someone here all the time. Bring your troubles here, lay them down and take care of yourself.
I wish you peace,
tom

I could not read your post without feeling heartache and crying for you, and I prayed for you and your granddaughters.
I believe it is only in His power to remove all the pain and lift all your troubles.
My Faith helped me to heal, and hope you will find in your heart that connection. If not for my faith and my reliance on Him, my family would have dealt with another tragedy, because I was very close to stop my pain myself, and leave this world. But I realized that escaping is not an option, and got busy living to the best I can I decided that I cannot inflict more pain to those who I care about deeply, and instead I worked on becoming a strong and faithful woman.
Please do not judge yourself for trying to numb your pain, but keep looking for other, safer ways to bring some relief from it.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Warm hug.

First of all, I want to offer you my deepest condolences in your having so many losses recently. Second, please do not feel guilty about how you are handling your grief. OF COURSE! you have been knocked off your feet and are coping the only way you know how. The good thing is that you realize that your current state of mind will not last forever. Little by little you will heal, and when you do, your choices for yourself will be a little healthier. No one should criticize you for how you are handling your life. No one has walked in your shoes. I wish I could give you a warm, comforting hug. May your heart heal and may you find joys ahead in this life. I'm pulling for you!!!! Hang in there!! You have friends here!!

Oh my gosh! You are truly being tested and you know what? Regardless of how you're coping, you're still here! I doubt that I would be that strong.

At various times in my life, when faced with a major adversity - usually the death of someone close to me - I have been sorely tempted to end the pain of my loss permanently. Something has always stopped me and, in hindsight, I am so grateful for that something.

You, My Dear, are an inspiration to us all. In the face of your dragons - all at once, too! - you have found some inner courage to continue through all the pain and get up every morning to face another day. That makes you such a strong woman - even though you don't really want to be, I'm sure. And, your granddaughters are seeing this, which gives them a fabulous role model for their future selves. You are one wonderful lady! Thank you for helping me realize just how paltry my woes are in comparison and for being my role model, as well.

Hugs,
Terry

I am so very sorry you have had so many loses so close together. Your pain much be tremendous. How you are choosing to deal with it is understandable to me. It has been almost 10 mos. since I lost my husband and I have done some things I am not proud of to numb myself from the pain also. I have fortunately gotten past that and am better and you will get there too. I think we all do different things, whatever they are to numb the pain sometimes. We just don't admit it. You will be in my thoughts and my hopes for you.
Gentle hugs,
Gwen

I am so sorry for your losses and the pain and fear you are enduring. I am glad you have been getting some counseling, that should help a bit. This process is never easy, and yours is a complicated situation for sure.

There are a couple of things I would suggest for you. First, if you are not doing so, try keeping a journal - either an electronic one here at DS or a paper one for yourself. One thing that I did was to write down everything I remembered about how Cliff died, every last horrible detail, in a notebook. Then I closed the notebook and told myself if for any reason I needed to remember all that horror and pain, it was all safely written down - I no longer needed to run it through my brain 24/7. That helped me a lot, and I was able to let go of some of the pain that way.

Because your loss involved suicide, I think you may benefit from also joining the Families & Friends Affected by Suicide Group here at DS. You can belong to several groups - you are not limited to just this one or that one. I belong to other groups to help me with other issues, too. Here is a link to the Families & Friends Group:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families-and-Friends-Affected-By-Suicide/support-group

I think that a lot of us have done things that we knew were not good for us to try and numb some of the pain. I relapsed and started smoking after Cliff died, and I also took the first drink I'd had in 20 years. I understand it - sometimes the pain is so great you just want it to stop, but when you have people relying on you - like your grandaughters and my sons - what should you do?? I think it would be a good idea to ask your doctor for medication to help you quit smoking - approach it that way - and most likely you will be given an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication which should help.

What happens with your granddaughters may be affected by how well you try to take care of yourself. I would not be so quick to automatically assume that you can't have permanent custody of them. I don't know your life situation and how you wound up raising them, so I can't really tell you much, but I do know that generally the authorities would rather kids stayed where they were loved and wanted instead of going into foster homes or state homes. It is easier on the State if they stay with you instead of the State having to figure out how to care for them and pay for them. Your lawyer may not have all the facts, and if they are not a specialist in the adoption laws, they simply won't know what is really possible. I wouldn't give up just yet.

I am sorry you have so much grief weighing you down and the weight of your own health struggles, too. I am glad you shared the burden with us here. I hope it helps, and I hope you know you are not alone.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Don't put yourself down for giving yourself "pity parties", you've had two devastating losses and under the circumstances it sounds like you're trying your best with taking care of your granddaughters and volunteering. It's so very hard to carry on with our lives when we don't have our spouses to lean on any more, it's a huge adjustment that takes a lot of time. I lost my Mom suddenly 2 years ago and my husband 9 mos. ago, my support system is gone and there's a huge void in my life. DS is a comforting place to come to since we all have a common thread and are here to help one another.
Hoping for comfort and peace to you,
Christine

I am so sorry you are having to endure so so much all at once. I'm glad that you have your grandchildren, but I understand how when life's tragedies pancake it is especially hard. I wish I had words of advice or wisdom, but I only know that you should know that people care here..
Sending you big big (((((hugs))))).
-Diana

Wow, you definitely have a lot going on in your life and deserve to have the pity party. or vent away all that you need. I have not endured all that you have and still last week had a pity party for myself.
It is coming up to 1 1/2 years since I lost my husband suddenly to an abdominal aneurysm, then 8 months later I lost my mother to cancer. When I was coming up to the one year mark I relived everything all over again, many times.....I had just retired, we took a vacation to celebrate our 25th anniversary and within 2 weeks of coming home, I lost my husband......
You have come a long way so don't be so hard on yourself, your life has been blasted into a million pieces. You do what you need to in order to survive and be there for your 2 grandchildren.....
Know that there is always someone here for you so you do not have to walk this journey alone.........hugs

My heart goes out ot you. I, too, have had some major losses since my husband passed away and can certainly relate with your feelings and emotions. It really is a true statement that "life is not fair." Do whatever you need to do to get through this really difficult time. I am at 2 1/2 years now, and life is, at least, bearable. I never thought I would get to this point; and you need to believe that you will get here, too. I am on this site all the time because I feel everyone here understands. Just know that you have friends here and can share at any time. I will keep you in my prayers.
Roxanne